Ugh. Is it time for my period again already? I think the weird PMS weepy mood swings may be hitting, because for some reason last night I started to get really down on myself. It was pretty random because I was having a nice, relaxing-albeit-a-tad-lonely kind of day. A good friend and I were supposed to meet up for coffee and a stroll outside in the gorgeous weather, but then he had to back out because something came up (he's a law student and stress is a way of life). So I was feeling sort of antsy, like I really wanted to hang out and talk with somebody, but most people are out of town this week. Then I got an e-mail from one of my best friends from high school telling me about how she has a new boyfriend, and then I saw Facebook pictures from another former classmate's wedding, and suddenly I just started to cry because, I don't know, I was just lonely. I haven't dated anyone in about two years and generally feel like I'm too busy and wrapped up in myself to worry about it, but now and then I get hit with this sense that everyone in the world has someone except for me.
I hate when I start comparing myself to others, because everyone else always comes out on top. I keep trying to remind myself that I've been through a unique kind of hell the past two years, and that it's a huge deal just for me to be here and okay and feeling relatively good about myself. Usually, that's enough. But occasionally I start feel like I need something more. Maybe this a good sign? That I'm no longer so caught up in my own medical/emotional/ED crap that I'm hankering for connections and support and companionship? I have put my heart and soul into school and work and research, because I feel like at 23 years old, that's what the point of graduate school is. But how the heck am I supposed to get out there and expand my network and meet new people and try new things when I'm giving everything to my education? Anyone else feeling this way? Is there life after graduate school? And am I going to be over the hill at 24?
I'm really not boy-crazy, I promise. I just find myself wishing that (1) I felt more adept at meeting people and expanding my social circle beyond my (mostly female) classmates, and (2) I had enough confidence in myself to know that things will someday work themselves out, that the right person is worth waiting for, and that I am enough without him.
That is all. Sorry to be whiny and pensive. In the grand scheme of things, considering where I was for most of the past couple years, this is not a terrible problem to have.