Sunday, March 16, 2014

Spring Break Concluding Notes

Made it home after a whirlwind trip too see my best friend K from college. I really wish we had planned the visit better so I could have stayed a little longer instead of having to rush back home to finish up some work for tomorrow, but it was still awesome to see her. We talk on the phone, text, and e-mail all the time, but there's something about staying on late talking on her bedroom floor. In fact, I think we talked for about 24 hours straight. And I don't think I even realized how much I missed her until I was getting ready to leave and started to cry. Also my period came five days early and I was feeling a tad emotional. Seriously, I cried for like an hour in the car after leaving her. I think I've just missed having such a best friend around all the time—I mean, I have friends at school now, but no one that close. Obviously that makes sense because K and I lived together for three years, but still. She is the best.

Ugh. Now my spring break is over and I have SCHOOL tomorrow. GROSS. I really tried to have a relaxing week and not spend every free second doing work, but maybe that was a mistake because now I feel behind! I have a huge paper due tomorrow, quiz Wednesday, paper Thursday, exam Friday. This is the most stressed I've gotten about schoolwork all semester, and I am doing my best to keep my head above water. Hopefully this next week will go smoothly!

For some reason, lately my body image has been...not good. I don't know why. I am trying to stop weighing myself so frequently because it's messing with my head more than usual. But those damn wall-to-wall mirrors at the gym are driving me nuts! I have been slowly upping my running mileage again after having cut way back for the last couple months (polar vortex + injuries). I may do another post about this sometime because it's been on my mind a lot, but running is such a tricky thing for me these days. I love it and want to do more and more of it and it makes eating much (mentally) easier, but I also recognize the risks of overdoing it (overuse injuries, hormone issues, aggravating the nerve pain, losing weight, igniting old anorexia thoughts, etc.) and that scares the crap out of me. So, lots of thoughts happening around that.

I am really looking forward to seeing my beautiful and amazing therapist Dr. P this week. Isn't that weird? How I actually look forward to therapy now? I used to DREAD IT for days ahead of time (with my old therapist), and then even with Dr. P I used to feel pretty ambivalent about the whole thing. But now, I go into each session with Things To Discuss, and I actually engage and, in the end, I get something out of it. We have been talking about the exercise stuff a lot lately, and how maybe I'm not as fantastically recovered from my eating disorder as I thought.

YOU GUYS. I AM FEELING REALLY EMOTIONAL. I think it's my period. It must be. Maybe I just miss K again. Also I am sleep deprived. Sorry this is so random! I'm having a lot of thoughts and feelings right now! Is this what a non-starved brain is like? Still getting used to that.

Anyways, I should put a stop to this nonsense. Take care everyone—I'm going to pop some ibuprofen for these icky cramps and go to bed early tonight.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you had such a great time! Sorry it was difficult and sad to leave :(

    Good luck with all the school stuff! Yikes! Make sure to treat yourself to something fun/nice when this is over!

    Great that you and Dr. P are having such good sessions! I hope you're able to really tackle the running--seems like it ebbs and flows as being problematic, and I can understand where that would be frustrating and scary. Good luck!