Back to Baseline

Hi guys—so glad it's Saturday. I needed a weekend sooo bad. I have so much work to do, it's crazy! And it's all my advisor's fault! He gave me this giant-but-super-duper interesting project on Thursday, which means that it's all I want to work on and have totally neglected everything else. So....now I have all this other boring stuff to do! Lame! It didn't help that I had planned to come home from clinic last night and work work work but obviously that didn't happen because apparently this kid needs her Friday night naps. I watched The Wire for like three hours, meaning I turned on The Wire and promptly conked out for three hours, got up, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. I've been working all day today but then I have plans later, so it will be another unproductive evening. Oh well! There's always Sunday.

I am feeling wayyyy better. I spent about three days full-on panicking about the nerve pain coming back, but then it kind of eased off and now I seem to back to baseline. Thank goodness. I am still in this kind of PTSD-y, shaky, anxious, ohmygodwhatifwhatifwhatif kind of place, but that little spike in pain seems to have been short-lived. I'm still really nervous about the exercise piece, and have backed way off this past week. I haven't run since last Saturday and I've only been doing really light biking and walking. I also did a Pilates For Beginners video that my friend recommended, but my abs were sore for six full days after. SOME FRIEND SHE IS.

Therapy this week was kind of hard. I had gone in feeling really crummy and sorry for myself, and just wanted to sit around and moan and wail about how unfair my life was. I did NOT want to talk about food or weight or exercise or eating; I just wanted to cry and be heard and get some sympathy. Well, Dr. P was sweet and lovely as always, and she let me cry and complain for a bit, but then she kept steering me back to what she calls the "underlying problem"—namely, the anorexia. Basically she would not let me talk about the nerve pain without making me talk about the ED. And it was like pulling teeth, let me tell you, because I was NOT interested. But in the end she made her point, and I have since been pretty faithful to limiting my exercise and upping my calories. And to be honest, it has been kind of freeing. I guess I forgot how horrible it is to be in pain, and how comparably UN-horrible it is to feel kind of chunky and full.

I did leave another message for Dr. A., my miracle pain doctor, who was out of the country at the time but hopefully will be calling me back sometime next week. I was supposed to call him six weeks after my last appointment, which I never got around to because I had been feeling SO good and it just didn't seem important. But Dr. P convinced me to get back in touch (even if it has been more like six months) and have a chat about this most recent scare, the changes in my period, and his thoughts on exercise and weight. So, stay tuned for that.

Happy Saturday, everyone.