Tuesday, March 4, 2014

An Old Fear Resurfaces

It's been a while since this has been much of an issue and I really hate to admit it, but lately I've been scared of the scale. In that old, consuming, irrational-but-so-real way that sits like a bucketful of dread in the pit of my stomach. The number has inched up, like, literally an inch in the past couple of weeks and now all of a sudden I'm on high alert: am I eating too many pretzels? Too much peanut butter? Not enough carrots? Not enough water? Is it sodium-induced weight? Strength-training induced weight? ARRRRRRGHHH I hate that I am obsessing like this. I still weigh myself a lot, but usually it's just a routine check with not much anxiety involved, especially since my weight has been rock solid within the same 2ish-pound range for the past several months. Then about a week or two ago my weight crept up a tiny bit which freaked me out but not too because because I was also on my period...but now my period's over and my weight is still sort of higher than normal and now I'm REALLY freaked out and I DON'T LIKE FEELING LIKE THIS.

Eating disorders are stupid. I've got an hour left at work and will NOT spend it worrying about dinner. Peace, everyone.

1 comment:

  1. Ugh, those feelings are the WORST. I'm sorry they've returned. The obsession about weight and each molecule of food is so painful. I'm surprised your fluctuation range is so small--generally I think it's more than that, so I wonder if that could be the case. Another possibility is building muscle from strength training. Bodies know how to regulate themselves (or so I've been told). Have you talked to Dr. P about this? I know you've mentioned that the calorie-counting and weighing yourself can still be a problem for you, so maybe it's time to revisit how closely you track those numbers and try to get to a place where you're eating intuitively and not watching the numbers at all. Scary, I know. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, and I hope it passes soon! Text/call/email anytime! Good luck!