Trusting My Gut

Sorry to go MIA for the past week, things have been insanely busy. I have four papers due next week, and am getting juuuust a smidge overwhelmed. At the same time, I've been dealing with the therapy situation. There's no way I can cover all the thoughts/conflicts I've had about this but here's the condensed version:

As you know, I first saw Candidate #1 last week, and she seemed great. Competent, intelligent, and ready to work with me. I was about ready to just commit to sticking with her, but decided that I should probably keep my consult with Candidate #2 anyway, just to be safe. So I saw #2 this past Tuesday, and she seemed great also. Very different from #1, but no less competent or intelligent. She was much cheerier, warmer, and very very sweet. AND she's had tons of ED experience in both inpatient and outpatient settings, which was a major plus to me. Still, I'd kind of already set my mind on sticking with #1, but decided to wait until after the next appointment to confirm.

So yesterday, I had my second appointment with #1. And let me tell you—my opinion totally changed. She was cold, challenging, and critical. I found myself on the verge of tears for the first time in a long time, ruminating about old fears that haven't been a problem in a long time.

Issue #1: She kept saying "Eating disorders are all about control. Eating disorders are all about control. What are you trying to control?" I'm not a psychologist, but I know this: my eating disorder is not all about control. It's about environmental pressures, sure, but it's also about my genetics, my personality, my brain chemistry, and a whole host of other factors that are way too intricate and nuanced to be contained in a lil old blog post by yours truly. Eating disorders are not "all about" anything, and anyone who claims they are has zero understanding of anorexia's complexity.

Issue #2: She wanted to hear about my childhood. Okay, fine. I'm not really into the psychoanalysis childhood-trama thing, but maybe there was stuff in my childhood that contributed to me developing the predisposition to anorexia. I started telling her about my parents, and how they rock and I have a great relationship with both of them. She asked what they do, so I told her about how my dad has always worked super hard and had long hours.

And her response: "Well, it doesn't sound like it's a very good relationship if he was never home."
Me: "Um...he had a family to support? And his work is very important to him."
Her: "Clearly his work was more important to him than his family."

I was speechless. How dare you talk about my dad like that? How dare you? I almost got up and walked out right then, but of course I'm a people-pleaser and figured I'd misinterpreted her message, so decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Issue #3: "Tell me about your mom."
Me: "She's great. We have a great relationship."
Her: "Then how has she let things get so bad for you?"
Me: "But I'm doing really well. And my mom has always been there for me—last semester, I would call her crying multiple times a day when I couldn't cope on my own."
Her: "If you were crying so much, it doesn't sound like she did much good."

So, suffice it to say that I'm done with Candidate #1. I'm too angry, too offended, and too disgusted with her assumptions about me, my illness, and family to even consider going back. I agonized about it for a little, since she does seem so confident and professional, but it's just not going to work. I need someone who makes me feel safe, not attacked. Gut instincts matter, I'm learning. Even if I need a therapist, I certainly don't need to settle.

Sunday Update and Drug Questions

Happy Sunday! Hope everyone stayed safe from that blizzard in the northeast, I saw some crazy photos  of massive snow drifts and buried cars and stuff. I probably shouldn't complain about getting rain instead, but gosh darn it I hate rain.

I've had a lovely weekend. Friday was somehow insanely busy, even with no class. Gym in the morning (and now I'm so sore I can't move), laundry, work meeting, thesis meeting, tutoring, and then out with friends. Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and then a coffee shop with Roomie to work for a while in the afternoon, then trekked over to campus for a meeting that lasted THREE HOURS. Then I sprinted home to drop off my school stuff, change, and head out to dinner/drinks with some friends.

Oh, I decided to keep that consultation with New Therapist Candidate #2 after all, so I'm seeing her on Tuesday and will definitely keep you all posted on how it goes. While I did really like Candidate #1, I still want to take advantage of this opportunity to shop around a bit, as I've never had that before. I'm pretty interested to compare the two candidates, and hopefully make a decision sooner rather than later. For the first time in my life, I'm actually eager to start therapy and get moving on the crap that needs to be addressed.

On that note, Operation Maybe Increase Calories is...sort of happening. A little. Not in the neat, calculated way I had planned on, but in a sort of haphazard-but-well-intentioned way.

Random info request: Anyone have experience with Cymbalta? New Candidate #1 mentioned it as a possible alternative to gabapentin for nerve pain, with the added benefit of treating depression at the same time. Apparently it is used quite commonly for fibromyalgia, neuropathy, etc. Depression isn't a major issue at the moment (can't believe I just typed that sentence...) but my emotional state still seems pretty fragile—mostly because of pain. I'm also on Celexa, which has done wonders for my anxiety but nothing for depression. Just curious about anti-D options, especially one that—as Candidate #1 put it—could "kill two birds with one stone." Feel free to send me an e-mail if you prefer: kem0913@gmail.com.

Okay, thanks! Much love to you all.

The Little Things

Sleeping in until 9 (that's late for me!) after a glorious night's sleep.

Putting on a sweatshirt still warm from the dryer.

Discovering half-price chicken breasts on sale at the grocery store.

Getting a positive e-mail from my adviser: "You've done some GREAT work here, Kaylee."

Allowing myself to eat full-fat yogurt because it tastes better and is good for me.

Finally accepting that my weight will fluctuate day-to-day, and being relatively okay with it.

Coming home from a night out to find my roommate curled up on our couch, and spending the next two hours hanging out and laughing our heads off. Quoting Pristiq commercials.

Having new episodes of Suits AND The Bachelor to watch. (Sean! Tierra is totally playing you! Open your eyes!) Has anyone watched that new show The Americans? I haven't yet, but I'm intrigued.

Being excited to work on my anthropology paper because the material is fascinating and I'm a nerd.

Looking in the mirror and not feeling like a whale. A petite hog, perhaps, but definitely not a whale.

Happily scarfing down a peanut butter sandwich, wondering how the hell I used to only eat that crappy low-calorie cardboard bread.

Drinking coffee. Preferable Starbucks or Panera. No Kaldi's please!

New Therapist Recap

Well, I had my appointment with New Therapist Candidate #1 yesterday and the verdict: I liked her! We spent most of the session rehashing my history of the past few years, starting with the ED, then moving into the other health- and emotional-related issues. She had a pretty straightforward, down-to-business demeanor, which I liked; it didn't feel like she was psychoanalyzing me or head-shrinking me or anything, but more that she was taking me very seriously and was ready to help tackle my issues.

Even with her no-nonsense approach, though, she seemed quite sweet, which is probably good for me. I don't have the world's thickest skin. At the same time, she could probably kick my butt if I needed it. But most of all, I just got good vibes and felt like I could talk to her. I was pretty proud of myself for being as open as I was about everything that's been going on, and about all my thoughts/feelings/fears.

Something we agreed on was that while I'm still not cured of the ED or depression or anything, I am in the right headspace to address them—and that's important. With R, it never quite seemed relevant whether or not I was on board with the treatment plan; he just kind of mandated what needed to happen (e.g. weight gain, cutting exercise, drinking Boost, etc.) and then when it didn't, I got saddled with guilt and consequences. Of course some of those conflicts were my fault and I don't want to make R out to be a total villain here, but it was simply not a productive relationship, and things were only deteriorating.

One funny difference: R is a big guy and I always felt totally dwarfed in his office, but New Therapist is teeny. Not in a triggering omg-my-therapist-is-skinnier-than-me kind of way; she's just petite. I was noticing when we walked back to her office that she was making me feel really tall, and then I realized she was even wearing high-heeled boots. Another, way more important difference: R's office just had lame chairs, but New Therapist's office has a super comfy couch. So, I think I could work with that.

source

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. New Therapist asked what kinds of therapy had worked for me in the past, and I was totally stumped. To be honest, it's never felt like I've ever gotten much out of therapy, which must have had more to do with my mindset and lack of compliance than anything else. My parents have always mandated treatment for me, so I've never had a choice about it, never gotten to pick my own therapist, and never felt totally included in my own recovery plan. So it feels good to be doing this of my own accord for once, and I really want to make the most of it.

I have a consult scheduled with another candidate next week, and I'm debating whether or not to even go. I suppose it couldn't hurt, except that rehashing everything again sounds exhausting. I'll decide later.

Next time I see New Therapist, I want to talk more about how she plans to proceed in terms of my ED recovery. Things are mostly under control with my weight and intake, but the struggle in my head is by no means resolved. Regarding the rest of my team, New Therapist wanted to know if I'd still see my dietician—I'd be open to it, although I haven't seen J in a few months anyway and don't really feel any need/desire to go back anytime soon. New Therapist also asked permission to get in touch with my psychiatrist Dr. L, whom I ADORE and will definitely keep seeing. I think that will be a great alliance to have in my corner, assuming I stay with New Therapist and things work out.

Pre-Therapy Jitters

I went through the same thing before my first appointment with R, but I'm SUPER nervous about seeing New Therapist Candidate tomorrow. Partly, it's going to be hard to go through my history with her. Most of all that crap still makes me upset to talk about, and I'm not good at articulating/condensing it. Plus, I've never chosen a therapist before, so I'm not really sure how to go about deciding whether or not she'll be a good fit for me. I really really really don't want to cry in front of her. I am also unsure of whether or not she might turn me down—I obviously have a complicated situation, and will be the first to admit that I am not the easiest patient to work with. As far as other options, I have a tentative consult set up with a second new candidate, but will probably cancel if tomorrow ends up going well.

On a related note...R. I've never dumped a therapist before (is it like dumping boyfriends? I've done plenty of that!) and I'm absolutely dreading the awkwardness. Do I have to go back and see him and talk in person, or is it okay to just call? ...I kind of don't want to spend $180 on "good-bye." Should I wait until after seeing New Therapist Candidate to decide? Should I tell him about her? UGH. This feels like a divorce. At least there are no kids involved.

So, I'm going to try being brave with New Therapist Candidate tomorrow and fill her in on as much as possible. If it scares her off, well then, she wasn't the right person anyway. Will keep you all posted!

Random recovery positive: my hair isn't falling out anymore. The difference is actually quite dramatic—no more strands on my pillow when I wake up in the morning, and no more thick clumps tangled up in my fingers when I run them through my hair after showering. I've only noticed the change in the past couple of months, but hopefully this means I won't be bald by thirty.

Back to Basics

My consult with New Therapist Candidate is looming, and I've been trying to pin down which of my Issues need the most attention. There's no possible way I can fit my whole psychological/medical/personal history into fifty minutes, and I'm planning to pare everything down to the bare essentials for this first session. But that, of course, is way easier said than done.

The eye, pain, and depression have dominated my thoughts for the past six months or so, and I'm tempted to go into the consultation focusing on just those. But of course, the eating disorder was the whole reason I started therapy, and the eating disorder is what led to all the other problems in the first place.

I haven't been writing about ED stuff as much lately because things are pretty much status quo—eating a relatively reasonable amount, maintaining my weight, not obsessing too much. BUT now I wonder if maybe that's not good enough anymore. Maybe the only reason I'm feeling less rigid and more chill about food is because I'm not really challenging myself much. Although no one would look at my diet right now and say OMG GIRL'Z ANOREXIC, my intake is not exactly liberal, and I eat very nearly the exact same thing every day. And certainly no one would look at my body and say GIRL EAT A SANDWICH, but I am still hovering right around the bare minimum healthy weight as set by my last two treatment teams.

I think the Chub Drug may have lulled me into a semi-false sense of security, as I gained XX pounds on it without changing my intake AT ALL from what is was before, when I was maintaining that lower  (objectively underweight) number. So it seems like I should be super healthy right now, judging my weight alone, but the truth is that without the drug boost, my weight would probably still be too low.

The whole reason I committed myself to recovery this time around was to deal with the mounting health issues that seemed totally inexplicable except for the fact that I was under-eating and underweight. I'm certainly eating better now compared with last spring, when things were pretty much at their worst, but even I can see that my eating is not completely normal. I don't want to stall out just when I was starting to make real progress, you know?

So...I'm not going to officially commit just yet, but I am seriously contemplating another calorie increase, even knowing that it will probably mess with my head and kick the anorexic mindset back into full gear. I can't let myself forget that the eating disorder set this whole train wreck in motion, and I can't let up until the eating disorder is history.

Friday Miscellany

Happy Friday, all. I am COLD. But not gonna complain too much because things are otherwise going pretty okay and—dare I say—well, so I can deal with the cold.

I mentioned last time that I've started weight training, which has been a hugely positive step for me. A couple weeks ago, I tagged along with a friend who knows way more about lifting than I do, and she gave me some exercises that I was able to do with no pain. SO, I am a recent weight lifting convert, after years of avoiding it in favor of straight-up cardio. Now I feel super strong and awesome (even though I'm a huge weakling and basically can only lift the lightest free weights without keeling over and dying right there on the gym floor). Last time I was there, I was lifting next to this huge kid who probably outweighed me by about a hundred pounds. He was pressing these humungous barbells and I was whimpering and straining to get my lil twelve pounders over my head, which was pretty funny/mortifying/empowering all at the same time. Of course, I then pulled a muscle in my butt doing squats and will probably have to take a week or so off, but it's my own fault. Maybe that will teach me not to get overzealous. Moderation, K. Moderation.

You guys, my classes are awesome this semester. We are reading amazing material and having engaging discussions and I feel myself growing and learning, and why is it that I'm more excited about school than I ever have been in my life when I only have three months left?? Hmph. And yes, I am that kid whose hand shoots up for every question and laughs at all the professor's lame jokes and sends a million e-mails with questions and turns everything in early. SHUT UP. I am a total and unapologetic teacher's pet, always have been.

Anyone watch The Bachelor? When the heck is Sean gonna see through Tierra's evil scheming? Can't stand that girl. I'm rooting for Leslie and/or Desiree.

Just in case I haven't yet succeeded in making you completely lose all respect for me, yesterday I was super flustered before leaving for class and only remembered to put in one earring. Didn't realize it until I was in one of my aforementioned amazing classes, being my aforementioned vocal self, making some insightful, innovative point in front of forty people. Whoops!