Feeling Grateful

Can't say much right now, too busy and overwhelmed and tired. Just wanted to give a big THANK YOU for the kind and beautiful comments on my last post, when I was in a not-so-good place. The scale is not in the garbage, but is at least now tucked away in the back of my closet as opposed to sitting out in the bathroom. I am not really feeling any better about my weight, but I am at least not obsessing about it to the point of not functioning, which was the case this weekend. The freak-out may have been partly PMS, because I finally got my period today (late). So, I am okay.

You all are wonderful. Truly. Thank you.

More Weight Woes, Sorry

Having another of those can't-stop-crying days. I HATE THIS. I hate that I have so much exciting stuff going on, that I'm learning and accomplishing so much, that I'm taking a lot of very exciting steps toward my future, and one peep at the number on my bathroom scale has me totally destroyed.

I'm tired of freaking out about my weight, but I'm also tired of feeling like people think I'm crazy. I am not making this up: I am gaining weight. This makes over 2 years of continuous weight gain on essentially the same amount of calories. That has included spells of moderate exercise, heavy exercise, and no exercise. That has included spells on medication and off. Spells of having regular periods and irregular periods. A one-month spell of eating gluten-free because we thought that might be causing my tummy issues (no change). WHY.

I just spent about an hour on the phone with my mom, which only made me feel worse. She wants me to go back to a dietitian, which I am basically not interested in at all. I do not think there is much a dietitian could tell me that I don't already know. I cannot realistically eat any less than I am and pretend to be remotely healthy. Exercise doesn't seem to make a difference, since I was running 35-40 miles per week last winter and still gained weight. My therapist wants me to see an endocrinologist, but that would involve me going through the campus health center (which I hate) and probably waiting six months for an appointment with a specialist. Who will probably find nothing.

I am trying to tell myself this is an adjustment period. That my body needs to stabilize after so many years of abuse. But I am also dying inside right now.

I hate obsessing about this. I hate it I hate it I hate it. But I can't stop, and this feels real, and I don't want to gain weight forever. I literally feel like my worst nightmare is coming true.

Sorry this is not interesting or productive, and is probably more than a little triggering for some. Any wisdom or musings or hugs would be wonderful.

Ugh

Having a rough, rough day. Not sure what brought it on.

Actually, that is a lie. I weighed myself this morning, and now I can't stop crying.

Trying to build myself up for a birthday party tonight. Not mine, thank goodness. I'm just really not in the mood for barhopping right now.

Hippie Herbs, Mama Bear, Back Pain, and Weighty Worrying

I don't want to jinx it but this hippie sleep aid might actually be working! I've slept great the past few nights. Well, relatively great - more like back to my baseline, which is about 5-6 hours a night. I still can't sleep past 7am to save my life, but at least then I don't feel so guilty about going to bed earlier. Anyway, it's amazing what some sleep can do. I'm feeling like a brand-new woman.

My mom was in town last Tuesday through Sunday, which means I ate like a queen for five days. Basically I would tell her what I was craving and she made it - swordfish, salmon, steak...you guys think I might need to up my protein intake? Oh and also she did all the dishes and bought me a new pair of shoes. Why is my life so hard?? I don't know! I had a rough upbringing, let me tell you.

Lots to do this week. My classes are winding up and I've got assignments due, books to read, papers to write, etc. etc. etc. My poor computer is getting such a workout, as are my eyes and typing fingers. As is my butt, which spends ALL DAY EVERY DAY planted in a chair. Seriously, my back has actually been killing me. I think it's a combination of the sitting, the not-exercising, and the walking around in flats and other unsupportive shoes. It's not so much pain, as my back feels really weak and tired, and it bothers me a lot after I've been sitting for a while. A secret part of me also blames my weight, and uses this as an excuse to believe that my poor skeleton was not meant to carry this much weight so SOMETHING MUST BE VERY WRONG AND I NEED TO GO ON A DIET IMMEDIATELY. I haven't been weighing myself regularly, but I am at a lifetime high. No, I'm not overweight but yes, it still kills me. I am trying very very very hard not to care.

Um, not sure how that paragraph started off talking about schoolwork and ended up with me freaking out about my weight. Same ole same ole. I keep wishing and praying that this weight is somehow "temporary" and "not real" and will "settle down" once my metabolism "regulates" or some shiz like that, but none of those prayers are actually based in any fact or past experience. I hate that I still care about this SO much. I do not have time for this nonsense.

And I think the title of this post might be longer than the post itself, but I am tired and want to watch Revenge instead of blogging. Sorry peeps, happy Friday!

Sleepy Sleepy

My b, sorry for the long delay. If I hadn't mentioned, I'm a tad overscheduled these days. Plus, Mama Bear has been in town this week! Since I am never home and have no free time, I didn't actually get to spend much time with her. BUT she did a lot of cooking and I've been eating like a queen. Not looking forward to fending for myself again tomorrow night....

My insomnia is OFF THE CHAIN. I have slept maaaayybe 10 hours in the past three nights. But Kaylee! you might ask, Why don't you just pop some sleeping pills??? Well, normally I have zero qualms whatsoever about the OTC stuff (Tylenol or Advil PM, ZzzQuil, whatever happens to be cheapest) and they usually work like a charm - knock me right out. And then I'll use it for a few days, taper off, and that usually works to reset my sleep schedule pretty well. However, I've discovered that the drugs tend to seriously dry out my eyes. The active ingredient in most OTC sleep aids is diphenhydramine (a.k.a. the antihistamine in Benadryl), which is super drying. I was taking Tylenol PM last week, but discovered that my eyes got unbearably dry and I had to stop. Unfortunately I still can't sleep. I toss and turn and panic while my stomach turns somersaults, and then I walk around like a zombie all day long. My mom bought me this "all natural" sleep aid called Somnapure that doesn't have drugs or anything in it; it's like melatonin and valerian and other hippie nonsense, but I am willing to try anything. Send me your sleepy vibes tonight!

zzzzzzz

Other than that I'm doing pretty well. Obviously stressed, but overall my mood has been more positive than not. I do not understand my brain, or depression, or anxiety, or life. But I will take what I can get. My pain levels have been much reduced lately, for which I am UNBELIEVABLY GRATEFUL. Still not too pleased about the lack of exercise, but also able to shrug it off a bit more. Maybe I am too tired to worry. Again, I will take it.

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend, much love to you all.

Ball of Nerves

Quick update. I am so unbelievably busy and stressed. My new thing is staying up late doing work, then waking up at 4 or 5 with this sick, twisting knot in my stomach and not being able to get back to sleep. So I'm stressed and sleep-deprived and worn down, and only two weeks into the semester.

I'm not even exactly sure what I'm so stressed about. The workload is heavy, but I've had heavy workloads before. The schedule is insane, but I've had insane schedules before. I think the looming grad school applications are weighing on me, although a lot of my essays are done and I've already pinned down two of my three recommendation letters. (I did ask one of those bigwig celeb professors and she said yes! Now I have to ask the other one...) So basically everything is under control, it just feels like I have a million balls in the air and keep waiting for one to drop. And honestly, I feel more nervous than anything else, like I'm living a giant case of stage fright. I've felt this way before, and it did eventually ease off.

Sort of tangentially related: we were talking about anxiety very generally in one of my classes last week. Professor J mentioned something about it being really a really tricky condition because "people walk around and look very functional but in reality, they're doing terribly on the inside." It about made me cry to hear him say that. Because how long have I gone around being completely functional,  and excelling in pretty much every tangible, quantifiable area, all while doing pretty terribly on the inside?

I'm not doing terribly right now, but I'm certainly not doing great. I'm biting my fingernails like crazy. I can't sleep. I have constant butterflies in my stomach. Yesterday while running between meetings, I was trying to send an e-mail on my phone but my fingers wouldn't stop shaking. Most of the time I do okay at talking myself out of the irrational, anxious thoughts I tend to get, but I have no clue how to handle these relentless, visceral nerves.

Thoughts and Observations

Just randomness today:

Usually I love summer, but lately the heat and humidity are really getting to me. I hate getting all sweaty and gross on my trek to work or class. And I'm sick of wearing dresses.

Feeling fat sucks.

source

I've been meaning to do another Post-Medication Update, although there's not a whole lot to report; still feeling relatively okay and stable. School has me stressed out, but that's not a result of being unmedicated. However, one change I've noticed: after pretty much breaking the habit, I've started biting my nails again.

This has become one of my most-read posts. I guess you guys like birthdays and coffee and country music. And never in a million years did I think my blog would get hits from people searching Neymar hair. Although, he does have cool hair.

"The Executive Look"

I mentioned tummy issues a while ago. As predicted, my doctor told me I had IBS, prescribed glycopyrrolate, and told me to come back in three months. I picked up the prescription but haven't actually taken any of the medicine. Why? Not totally sure. Well I guess for one, I saw that it is anticholinergic (a.k.a. drying); I've had problems with this class of medications in the past because they tend to dry out my eyes. Plus, I just feel sort of apathetic about taking something to address symptoms when we have no clue about the underlying cause.

I think I need to go pick out a library book. I'm spending too much time on my computer.

I have NO MONEY.

I want new sunglasses and shoes. But see above.

Oh, I'd also like a new cell phone, jeans, a private pool, and a personal chef.

I have no Labor Day plans. WHY AM I SO LAME? Is anyone having a barbecue somewhere? Please invite me.