Having another of those can't-stop-crying days. I HATE THIS. I hate that I have so much exciting stuff going on, that I'm learning and accomplishing so much, that I'm taking a lot of very exciting steps toward my future, and one peep at the number on my bathroom scale has me totally destroyed.
I'm tired of freaking out about my weight, but I'm also tired of feeling like people think I'm crazy. I am not making this up: I am gaining weight. This makes over 2 years of continuous weight gain on essentially the same amount of calories. That has included spells of moderate exercise, heavy exercise, and no exercise. That has included spells on medication and off. Spells of having regular periods and irregular periods. A one-month spell of eating gluten-free because we thought that might be causing my tummy issues (no change). WHY.
I just spent about an hour on the phone with my mom, which only made me feel worse. She wants me to go back to a dietitian, which I am basically not interested in at all. I do not think there is much a dietitian could tell me that I don't already know. I cannot realistically eat any less than I am and pretend to be remotely healthy. Exercise doesn't seem to make a difference, since I was running 35-40 miles per week last winter and still gained weight. My therapist wants me to see an endocrinologist, but that would involve me going through the campus health center (which I hate) and probably waiting six months for an appointment with a specialist. Who will probably find nothing.
I am trying to tell myself this is an adjustment period. That my body needs to stabilize after so many years of abuse. But I am also dying inside right now.
I hate obsessing about this. I hate it I hate it I hate it. But I can't stop, and this feels real, and I don't want to gain weight forever. I literally feel like my worst nightmare is coming true.
Sorry this is not interesting or productive, and is probably more than a little triggering for some. Any wisdom or musings or hugs would be wonderful.