Sunday, September 21, 2014

More Weight Woes, Sorry

Having another of those can't-stop-crying days. I HATE THIS. I hate that I have so much exciting stuff going on, that I'm learning and accomplishing so much, that I'm taking a lot of very exciting steps toward my future, and one peep at the number on my bathroom scale has me totally destroyed.

I'm tired of freaking out about my weight, but I'm also tired of feeling like people think I'm crazy. I am not making this up: I am gaining weight. This makes over 2 years of continuous weight gain on essentially the same amount of calories. That has included spells of moderate exercise, heavy exercise, and no exercise. That has included spells on medication and off. Spells of having regular periods and irregular periods. A one-month spell of eating gluten-free because we thought that might be causing my tummy issues (no change). WHY.

I just spent about an hour on the phone with my mom, which only made me feel worse. She wants me to go back to a dietitian, which I am basically not interested in at all. I do not think there is much a dietitian could tell me that I don't already know. I cannot realistically eat any less than I am and pretend to be remotely healthy. Exercise doesn't seem to make a difference, since I was running 35-40 miles per week last winter and still gained weight. My therapist wants me to see an endocrinologist, but that would involve me going through the campus health center (which I hate) and probably waiting six months for an appointment with a specialist. Who will probably find nothing.

I am trying to tell myself this is an adjustment period. That my body needs to stabilize after so many years of abuse. But I am also dying inside right now.

I hate obsessing about this. I hate it I hate it I hate it. But I can't stop, and this feels real, and I don't want to gain weight forever. I literally feel like my worst nightmare is coming true.

Sorry this is not interesting or productive, and is probably more than a little triggering for some. Any wisdom or musings or hugs would be wonderful.


  1. I hear you, and it sucks mightily.

    There are lots of reasons why your body might be doing this, and if you had signs of something like thyroid problems or whatnot it'd be worth running it by one of the medical professionals you already see (a psych or GI doc could throw in a tsh blood test, for example).

    One thing that (sometimes) helps me is this-- think of all the people that I respect, the people who do things that I hope/dream future-me could do. Do I care if they are fat/thin? Would I be able to do those things if I really did continue to gain at a rate of lbs/time?

    And would I really be able to do those things if I relapsed again and again?

    I recently had to get a physical to work in a clinical site I was assigned to, and I couldn't muster up the NO REALLY DON'T WEIGH ME in any sort of reasonable, non-crying fashion, so I guzzled as much water as I could stomach before and wore super heavy shoes so I could skew the # as much as possible/self soothe because it's not that high etc. But that #. It reduced me to tears on a daily/hourly basis. And I was crazy hypertensive.

    Throw out your scale, if you can. It still sucks to feel clothes fitting 'differently' but it's worse with that # staring back at you. I have been alternately convinced i have an insulinoma and that I'm just fine/getting older=getting heavier. I literally have no idea what's accurate.

    But I do know that I cannot do what I want with my life, that I cannot even begin to access enough brainpower to do all the super awesome things I've fought so damn hard to get to be able to do if I don't eat. And I know that if I'm fat, I'll just buy bigger clothes and still do my job.

    So I don't know, I want to lose a little weight like a normal person, but the fact is I can't. So I'm trying to focus on being healthy, but honestly most days it's just a matter of eating enough, there isn't time for healthy foods per se. And that's okay too, I think.

    Your worst nightmare isn't being fat-- at least mine isn't. God, it feels like it, in skin crawlingly awful fashion, in stuck zippers and crying meltdowns on my bathroom floor, it SO feels like it.

    But it's not. My worst nightmare is being stuck and sick and scared and not able to do what I want, not able to be present and love and be loved by all the people in my life, not able to use all that schooling I've fought to get through. That's the real nightmare.

    Keep fighting.

  2. Kaylee I can relate to this so much
    I actually had to stop weighing because it was causing me so much trouble
    I have had to start going by what I feel like on the inside
    Rather than what the scale says
    Get rid of the scale Kaylee
    Nothing good can come from it
    That's the only advice I can give you
    You were ok until you weighed right?
    So avoid it
    Listen to your body
    And go by how you feel

    I know this sucks
    It's so freakin' hard trying to get well and yet feel so yuck
    Just hang in there girl
    That's what I am doing
    It will come right
    It may take a while
    But it well

    So much love and hugs to you

    I threw my scale in to the lake, maybe you could do something similar? x

  3. I don't have any practical words of wisdom or advice, except what has been stated above--get rid of the scale. It was so freeing for me. Other than that, I agree that this has to be incredibly frustrating and scary. You are an intelligent, caring, witty person, and it sucks that the ED can grab on like this. That's the very nature of the disease and it just plain sucks. Sending hugs and good vibes to you! Hang in there!

  4. This is a really hard place to be in. It's like your body is in revolt.

    When I first started gaining weight post ED I had to throw out all of my clothing. It wasn't just the stuff that was getting too small, it was the memories attached to them. I invested in all elastic waistbands - it felt immature but necessary. I never went near a scale and asked not to have my weight read to me about five times every time I went to the doctor's office so there wouldn't be any "oops" moments.

    I don't know what to say other than it WILL, WILL, WILL get better. Try to be kind to yourself. During a time like this I am not opposed to self-distraction. You will get through it!