My craving for exercise has hit fast and hard this week. I don't know what changed, but it's killing me. I feel like I can't be a full person without pushing myself that way, breaking a sweat, getting stronger. I hate that I'm still having pain, this seemingly never-ending flare that started in late April after almost 6 pain-free months. I hate that I can't push my body to be what it could be; I don't mean in a sick, anorexic way, but in a healthy and strong way. I hate that I have the energy and the desire to push myself in a way that is healthy for 90% of the world, but not for me. I hate this.
I want to run and jump and pedal as hard as I can. Not to lose weight, just to feel. Don't know why it's hitting me so bad right now. Maybe I just need an outlet for all these powerful emotions I've been having off my meds. I'm sick of seeing other people run. I'm sick of sitting. I'm sick of pretending that walking or lifting or Pilates are enough. I'm sick of feeling sick and broken.
UGH. Hope this wasn't triggering. But it's truly killing me.