Quick update from mid-visit: my college roommate is here. And things are a lot tougher than I thought. She's the sweetest, most compassionate, best friend I've ever had, but for some reason I find myself wanting to strangle her. Well, actually two reasons:
1) FOOD. Food food food. Don't really want to post specifics on here, but suffice it to say that she is triggering the shit out of me. I'm agonizing about food and weight in calories in ways that I haven't in months.
2) Exercise. Ditto above.
She knows these are hard issues for me. She's helped me through some of the hardest parts. So why would she greet me when I get home from work with a summary of her day as follows: 3-hour bike ride, no lunch because she didn't "feel like it," and feeling like she sweat off "ten pounds of body weight"? WHY? She knows what this does to me. She knows how hard it is for me to maintain my weight where it is. I expect triggers from other people—I regularly ran into girls from school at Eating Disorder Clinic in College City—but Roomie had seen me through the worst of it. And I know she isn't a vindictive, selfish, tactless person. But the sensitivity factor just isn't there this week.
Maybe after living apart, she forgot some of the things she needs to "censor" around you. Or maybe she is having a hard time herself with food/body stuff.
ReplyDeleteEither way, I'm sorry it was difficult.
you are totally right langley, and I know that I'm incredibly lucky to have a friend who has been so good about the "censoring" all along. It isn't at all fair of me to put this on her. The ED stuff is very clearly MY issue and it isn't anyone else's responsibility. I think her visit just really highlighted how comparatively little I am able to do, and it was really hard to stomach. thanks for your support as always!
DeleteFirst off, I didn't mean anything negative by "censor." I can completely relate to your experience.
DeleteAnd I don't think you are putting anything on her. She is your friend and cares about you. It's reasonable to think a good friend would be aware of your sensitivity to food, weight, exercise, etc given your struggle. I
I gotcha langley! I didn't take it as negative at all—my friend has always been incredibly good about not commenting on food/weight stuff. I think this post and my earlier comment are coming from a place of guilt and shame at resenting her for living this full, beautiful, healthy life. I feel like a bad friend because I should be HAPPY for her instead of feeling sorry for myself, you know? Anyway, you're a sweetheart, thanks for reading!
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