At my appointment with Dr. P last earlier this week, we were talking about food and weight and eating, and apparently I am still only eating a "borderline weight loss" intake. Huh? But I've gained weight on this amount. My weight is in a healthy range and I've been getting regularly periods for a year (exactly a year now, actually! Go me!). But how, if it's supposed to be a "weight loss" amount? I hope I'm not sounding paranoid and anorexic, but the numbers just don't add up.
Anyway, I don't know if that was bouncing around in the back of my head today or what, but for some reason I delayed eating breakfast until really late this morning—partly because I was juggling phone calls and had to run out on an unexpected errand (print, photocopy, fax—shout out to Mr. Librarian who walked this tech-un-savvy girl through it!), partly because I hadn't been grocery shopping yet this week and my refrigerator was basically empty, but also partly because once I realized how late it was, I found myself musing: It's almost lunch time...why bother with breakfast now? I've made it this far, why not push it back a little farther?
I ended up eating my normal breakfast about three or four hours past normal, which meant that lunch also got pushed back three or four hours. I had intended to add my afternoon snack onto lunch, but in the end I just....didn't. So here I am, almost dinner time, down XXX calories from the missed snack, half-disappointed in myself and half-bursting with pride. Look at that, I CAN still restrict when I want to.
Ugh. I've tried so hard to be recovery-oriented and positive, and I really thought I was past a lot of these stupid temptations, but at the end of the day I am still very much drawn to cutting my intake—which, apparently, is too low to begin with.
Which brings me back to what Dr. P and I discussed. It would be in no way healthy for me to cut calories any further, so the only way to go is up. BUT of course I'm terrified to do that, since I've already gained weighed on my current amount. Gosh, I haven't agonized about this stuff in a long while, but now it's really on my mind. Maybe there is some caloric threshold where my metabolism will kick into gear and start working normally again? Maybe bumping up my intake would bolster my defenses against all the other health problems I've been having? Maybe this stupid headache I've been fighting all day is a result of having been dumb and cut calories that I, even weight-restored, still desperately need? Maybe I just need a NAP.