Hmm okay maybe I jinxed myself, or spoke too soon, or got cocky with how relatively well things seemed to be going... but my body image has started heading south in the past few days. Probably because that nasty habit of daily weigh-ins has come back to bite me, as it always does. As soon as the number on the scale edged upwards a few days in a row, I suddenly found myself feeling all jiggly and blobby and gross.
The only thing to do really is to stick it out, and trust that my body will end up where it needs to be. I think I'm about at my set point, although the daily fluctuations definitely still get to me a lot. And I'm still not totally used to being this size, which is objectively much bigger than I've been for at least five years. On the plus side, whereas these feelings once would have completely derailed any good intentions of maintaining my intake, I am now pretty much able to shrug it off and keep going. So at least there's that.
I suppose this is all part of recovery—occasional icky periods in an otherwise upward trend. I am seeing a lot of parallels with my nerve pain; I am dramatically better than I was a year ago, but that has included lots of good days and bad days along the way. Nothing's ever a straight line, is it? That would be way too simple.
Another ED issue: I can't tell if my eating habits are becoming more rigid and distorted with living alone, or just lazy. For example: I have only cooked dinner for myself twice since moving out here, whereas my roommate and I cooked together almost every night in our college apartment. I don't know—it just seems like a whole lot of mess and hassle for a solo meal. That's not to say that I haven't been eating dinner, of course, it's just been more non-real dinner food like sandwiches, eggs, oatmeal, etc. or other snacky-type combinations. Stuff that doesn't necessarily qualify as "dinner," and stuff that I wouldn't try to pass off as "dinner" if anyone else were around to watch. My calories have stayed about the same so it's not like I'm restricting per se; it's just the types of foods that have changed. I suppose you could say I'm restricting variety-wise, if we wanted to split hairs. So, is that a problem? I can't decide. I assume that "normal" eaters eat the same way whether or not they're being watched (What's that saying..."Character is what you do or say when no one else is looking"), but my habits definitely depend on whether or not I have an audience. Something to think about, I guess.
Anyway, that's my Saturday update for now. Take care, everyone.
I doubt there is anyone who is travelling the sticky road of recovery who doesn't find body image and weights hard to handle. The defining point is that you DO continue to recovery and not restrict even in the tough times. You seem to be doing an excellent job ;)
ReplyDeleteAs for the worries of food types and variety etc I think you're completely normal. I bet most people who are cooking only for themselves don't branch out much. I think it's pretty average to just get something easy and nourishing and not dirty a pan! The only way it would be impeding you is if you were suddenly faced with a situation where you did HAVE to cook or eat a proper dinner out and you struggled- that would show that your meal choices had been ED fuelled.
Keep on going :) xxxxxxx
that's a really interesting way to think about it—I generally have no problem eating out and I have no aversion to "real" food or anything like that, it's more just that I get stuck in these comfortable, safe ruts. When I'm eating alone and there's no peer pressure or comparison factor, I don't seem to have much motivation to break out of them.
DeleteI wouldn't worry too much about the non-dinner-dinners. When I'm on my own, I feel very lazy, or I end up cooking something large I can have again later. Like, tonight I tried to make black bean soup, but it turned out to just be beans, but it worked for me, might be weird to other people. Try some new recipes, you have freedom to make whatever the hell you want.
ReplyDeleteAnother recover-er that is also feeling blobby and gross: take care hon.
Oh, I totally relate to eating stuff that would seem weird to others, but is safe and easy for me. In the future, variety is probably something I'll try to work on more, but just maintaining my calories is already a huge improvement from where I used to be, so I'll take it! (for now.) Thanks for giving me some perspective!
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