Hmm okay maybe I jinxed myself, or spoke too soon, or got cocky with how relatively well things seemed to be going... but my body image has started heading south in the past few days. Probably because that nasty habit of daily weigh-ins has come back to bite me, as it always does. As soon as the number on the scale edged upwards a few days in a row, I suddenly found myself feeling all jiggly and blobby and gross.
The only thing to do really is to stick it out, and trust that my body will end up where it needs to be. I think I'm about at my set point, although the daily fluctuations definitely still get to me a lot. And I'm still not totally used to being this size, which is objectively much bigger than I've been for at least five years. On the plus side, whereas these feelings once would have completely derailed any good intentions of maintaining my intake, I am now pretty much able to shrug it off and keep going. So at least there's that.
I suppose this is all part of recovery—occasional icky periods in an otherwise upward trend. I am seeing a lot of parallels with my nerve pain; I am dramatically better than I was a year ago, but that has included lots of good days and bad days along the way. Nothing's ever a straight line, is it? That would be way too simple.
Another ED issue: I can't tell if my eating habits are becoming more rigid and distorted with living alone, or just lazy. For example: I have only cooked dinner for myself twice since moving out here, whereas my roommate and I cooked together almost every night in our college apartment. I don't know—it just seems like a whole lot of mess and hassle for a solo meal. That's not to say that I haven't been eating dinner, of course, it's just been more non-real dinner food like sandwiches, eggs, oatmeal, etc. or other snacky-type combinations. Stuff that doesn't necessarily qualify as "dinner," and stuff that I wouldn't try to pass off as "dinner" if anyone else were around to watch. My calories have stayed about the same so it's not like I'm restricting per se; it's just the types of foods that have changed. I suppose you could say I'm restricting variety-wise, if we wanted to split hairs. So, is that a problem? I can't decide. I assume that "normal" eaters eat the same way whether or not they're being watched (What's that saying..."Character is what you do or say when no one else is looking"), but my habits definitely depend on whether or not I have an audience. Something to think about, I guess.
Anyway, that's my Saturday update for now. Take care, everyone.