Counting My Blessings

Because my mind is starting to go down those dark pathways again, I really need to do this right now:

— I teach ESL to an adorable Chinese engineering student. When I told him that I'd be getting my wisdom teeth out, he said "Oh that's okay! You will still be very wise!" Then this afternoon he texted offering to drive me to the hospital and stay with me during the surgery. My goodness, there are wonderful people in the world.

— Last summer, I got a card from the city library, which is actually closer to my apartment than the school library. Since finishing my finals last Thursday, I've read four books and have another stack waiting.

— Dr. P gave me a book called Just Fine about invisible chronic pain, and has been doing some of her own research to help me cope. I'm really lucky to have her—to know that there's a safe, supportive space for me one hour every week. I always leave her office feeling better.

— At the departmental awards ceremony last week, my advisor told me he was giving me an A+ for my thesis credit hours and recommending me for the highest level of Latin honors. YEAH I'M BRAGGING, SUE ME.

I know that depression is an illness, and that it's not entirely within my abilities to control how I feel, but  it feels like I might be sitting at a crossroads—pull myself out of this new, emerging dark space, or let myself be sucked in. My mind has a tendency to let the bad totally overwhelm the good, and I am positively determined NOT to let that happen. I am so so so scared of getting caught up in the same cycle as last summer and fall: of feeling sorry for myself, crying constantly, and berating God or the universe or whatever for doling me out such a shitty hand. In most of the meaningful areas of life, I pretty much hit the jackpot—family, friends, school, etc. I gotta let that stuff carry me through until the rest gets better.

EDIT: Almost forgot to add this to my list of blessings, but my eyes!!! They have been essentially pain- and problem-free for almost five months now. Can't even express how much this has improved my daily quality of life. There ARE miracles, just gotta hang in there long enough to find them.