Yesterday randomly was a terrible day. I think it started with therapy in the morning. Although my sessions with R have actually been going really well lately, this one didn't and I left feeling really dissatisfied and frustrated with myself. I'm not really sure what went badly, just that I wasn't feeling very talkative and did a lot of shrugging and "I-don't-knowing"-ing. At one point, R asked me if there was anything on my mind that I specifically wanted to talk about, and I couldn't think of a single thing. What kind of lame person can't even keep her therapist interested? It's strange because there's actually a ton of stuff on my mind all the time and I usually feel this intense need to get it off my chest, but for some reason yesterday I couldn't articulate anything to R.
So it just felt like a wasted session and that really put a damper on the rest of my day. My classes were boring, my food schedule was messed up (long story), and I was unprepared for the weather (which was unseasonably warm, so I'm not really complaining about that one). I just felt kind of off all day and randomly had to start fighting tears in my last class. Thankfully it's a big class and I was hidden in the back, so I got myself under control pretty quickly and didn't have to leave the room, but still. Yuck.
Everyone has crappy days sometimes, I know. I guess I'm just still really scared of getting depressed and not being able to pull myself out of it. I also got some bad news about a side effect of the medication I'm on, meaning I might not be able to take it anymore. That's still up in the air until I see my doctor again, but it's making me feel really uncertain and vulnerable again.
Even so, my mood is still a million times more stable than it was a few months ago, and I am unbelievably grateful for that. I'm doing better with the meal plan, for which apparently my body is grateful too. Hopefully yesterday was just a blip and things will continue to look up. My mom had a suggestion to get more out of my next appointment with R: she said to write down any ideas or questions I might think of during the week and bring them up at my next session, both to get more comfortable introducing topics and also to keep track of the stuff that was bothering me throughout the week. Has anyone else had trouble talking to a therapist and found strategies that helped?
Anyway, I'm already feeling a little better (blogging always does that for me!) so I'm going to peace out for now. Take care, everyone!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Blog Therapy
The New York Times ran an article today about the therapeutic potential of blogging for teenagers. I'm not a teenager anymore, but I completely related to this. While I've kept private journals in the past and found that to be a helpful outlet, I really believe the communal aspect of blogging makes it uniquely valuable. Eating disorders are so isolating, and blogging reminds me over and over again that I am not alone. I think this probably works for any mental illness or distress by providing a source of support and understanding. Go blogs!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Weekly Highlights
I'm not feeling creative enough to write a coherent post, so here are some miscellaneous updates:
- I met with my ED doctor yesterday to go over the results of some blood tests I had a couple of weeks ago, which were all mostly normal. One of my liver enzymes is ALWAYS elevated and no one has any idea why. It was like that a year ago, six months ago, and again now. I wasn't on any medication when the blood was drawn, I'm not a heavy drinker, and I don't purge, so no doctor has ever been able to explain it. Apparently it's not really any cause for concern, so whatever.
- I have a LOT of work to do. Between my classes and my internship, I'm already feeling kind of swamped. The first few weeks of the semester are always nerve-wracking as I try to figure out my new schedule and establish routines, so I've just got to ride it out.
- My cousin was in town on a business trip yesterday afternoon, so we spent a few hours at Starbucks catching up. I hadn't seen him in a long time, since before I got sick last year, and we had to dodge some iffy territory (e.g. why I wasn't at a family gathering last spring) but for the most part, it was nice to see him and reconnect.
- I'm wondering why my body trusts me enough to give me a period, but I still don't trust my body enough to eat when I'm hungry. If my stomach starts growling before Meal Time, I will ignore it and wait. Obviously my hunger/fullness cues are beyond screwy, but I wish that I were confident enough to respond to this most basic bodily signal without my brain getting in the way.
- Tonight, my friend is having a birthday celebration downtown. I wish I could be more excited to go out than worried about food/drink calories, but really, who would I be without some calorie-related panic? I'm used to the pre-food-outing anxiety, even expect it, but that doesn't make it any less real or intense. Still, I know that I will go tonight, I will have fun, and I will wonder afterwards what I was even worried about in the first place.
Okay, this post was a shameless exercise in procrastination. I'm off to get some work done, run errands, and clean the bathroom. Have a great weekend, everyone!
- I met with my ED doctor yesterday to go over the results of some blood tests I had a couple of weeks ago, which were all mostly normal. One of my liver enzymes is ALWAYS elevated and no one has any idea why. It was like that a year ago, six months ago, and again now. I wasn't on any medication when the blood was drawn, I'm not a heavy drinker, and I don't purge, so no doctor has ever been able to explain it. Apparently it's not really any cause for concern, so whatever.
- I have a LOT of work to do. Between my classes and my internship, I'm already feeling kind of swamped. The first few weeks of the semester are always nerve-wracking as I try to figure out my new schedule and establish routines, so I've just got to ride it out.
- My cousin was in town on a business trip yesterday afternoon, so we spent a few hours at Starbucks catching up. I hadn't seen him in a long time, since before I got sick last year, and we had to dodge some iffy territory (e.g. why I wasn't at a family gathering last spring) but for the most part, it was nice to see him and reconnect.
- I'm wondering why my body trusts me enough to give me a period, but I still don't trust my body enough to eat when I'm hungry. If my stomach starts growling before Meal Time, I will ignore it and wait. Obviously my hunger/fullness cues are beyond screwy, but I wish that I were confident enough to respond to this most basic bodily signal without my brain getting in the way.
- Tonight, my friend is having a birthday celebration downtown. I wish I could be more excited to go out than worried about food/drink calories, but really, who would I be without some calorie-related panic? I'm used to the pre-food-outing anxiety, even expect it, but that doesn't make it any less real or intense. Still, I know that I will go tonight, I will have fun, and I will wonder afterwards what I was even worried about in the first place.
Okay, this post was a shameless exercise in procrastination. I'm off to get some work done, run errands, and clean the bathroom. Have a great weekend, everyone!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Rainy Day Thoughts
(It has just occurred to me that I recently wrote another post about a snowy day...I guess my thought processes are largely influenced by the weather.)
Anyway, it is raining today. Pouring, actually, which I am not pleased about. I do not like rain one bit. I hate feeling like my clothes and shoes and hair are damp all day long. In high school, there were some girls on my cross country team who loved running in the rain, which I never understood. It's slow and messy.
Medication update: It's been a couple weeks now, and most of the side effects are subsiding. I've gotten past the overwhelming nausea, meaning I don't feel like puking all the time. My sleep is also better - at first, I was having some problems with insomnia (waking up at about 3 a.m. and not being able to go back to sleep), but that seems to be resolving itself. Over the weekend, I slept ten hours straight both nights, which is unheard of for me; I usually get by on about five or six. So now I'm mostly caught up and don't feel like a zombie anymore.
On the weight front, I haven't gained or lost any. About a week ago, I was super bloated and the scale went up a couple pounds, but I realize now that that was probably PMS. My appetite is virtually nonexistent lately, but my appetite has been completely unpredictable for months anyway so this most recent variation may not be related to the drug at all.
Most importantly, my mood is so much better. Like, worlds better than it was two or three weeks ago. R said the medication probably wouldn't start to work until I'd been taking it for 4-6 weeks, but that it was possible for me to be feeling the effects already. Granted, my life and schedule have changed dramatically for the better over the past couple of weeks (back in school, friends around, no longer alone in my apartment, got my period) so that could be contributing to the change, but I'm not complaining either way. My anxiety levels are much lower too, but that could be a result of me having more activities and distractions.
Bottom line: I'm doing well. I don't really know how to describe it, other than that my moods feel steadier, like I'm not at risk of falling apart at any given second. My mind is calmer - I feel more capable or getting through the day and whatever comes with it. Even the rain isn't sending me into a tailspin, which it might have at one point.
I hope everyone's having a great week!
Anyway, it is raining today. Pouring, actually, which I am not pleased about. I do not like rain one bit. I hate feeling like my clothes and shoes and hair are damp all day long. In high school, there were some girls on my cross country team who loved running in the rain, which I never understood. It's slow and messy.
Medication update: It's been a couple weeks now, and most of the side effects are subsiding. I've gotten past the overwhelming nausea, meaning I don't feel like puking all the time. My sleep is also better - at first, I was having some problems with insomnia (waking up at about 3 a.m. and not being able to go back to sleep), but that seems to be resolving itself. Over the weekend, I slept ten hours straight both nights, which is unheard of for me; I usually get by on about five or six. So now I'm mostly caught up and don't feel like a zombie anymore.
On the weight front, I haven't gained or lost any. About a week ago, I was super bloated and the scale went up a couple pounds, but I realize now that that was probably PMS. My appetite is virtually nonexistent lately, but my appetite has been completely unpredictable for months anyway so this most recent variation may not be related to the drug at all.
Most importantly, my mood is so much better. Like, worlds better than it was two or three weeks ago. R said the medication probably wouldn't start to work until I'd been taking it for 4-6 weeks, but that it was possible for me to be feeling the effects already. Granted, my life and schedule have changed dramatically for the better over the past couple of weeks (back in school, friends around, no longer alone in my apartment, got my period) so that could be contributing to the change, but I'm not complaining either way. My anxiety levels are much lower too, but that could be a result of me having more activities and distractions.
Bottom line: I'm doing well. I don't really know how to describe it, other than that my moods feel steadier, like I'm not at risk of falling apart at any given second. My mind is calmer - I feel more capable or getting through the day and whatever comes with it. Even the rain isn't sending me into a tailspin, which it might have at one point.
I hope everyone's having a great week!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Wondering About Weights
At least for now, I'm still seeing my therapist R twice a week. It seems like a lot, but it also seems to be helping. We cover a lot more ground with only a few days between sessions instead of a whole week. I still hate spending that much time in treatment, but I'm also wanting more and more to get better.
Anyway, this means that I saw R again yesterday morning after just seeing him last Friday. I really like starting off the week with him, it puts my mind in a good place. Plus, I got to tell him my exciting news, about which he was appropriately ecstatic. I think only people with ED experience can appreciate how monumental periods can be.
Although he was happy for me, I think R was also concerned about one thing: my weight. The last two times I had periods (April 2011 and August 2009), I was exactly the same weight - XXX. Since then, I've considered that weight to be some magic threshold above which my body works fine and below which it doesn't. It is now the absolute bottom of my goal range, which was negotiated down by yours truly based on the very logic that if I get my period at XXX, then it should be considered healthy "enough."
Anyway, I am currently Y pounds below XXX, with Y being a significant but not huge number. So although I am eating better and have gained a little weight over the past month, neither I nor R was expecting me to get a period anytime soon. R mentioned that he was concerned I might take it as a sign to quit gaining and settle for my current weight, which he believes is absolutely too low.
Mostly, I'm just thrilled to feel like a functional female again. My bones are happy. But I will also admit that part of me is secretly thrilled to be a functional female at a lower weight than I expected to be. Part of me is also secretly wondering, is this good enough? The lack of a period was the one persistent glaring reminder that my weight was suboptimal - now that's gone, and I anticipate it will get harder to stay motivated. The real test of course will be if I continue to get periods regularly, or if this one was just a random fluke.
At the same time, I feel awesome and healthy and almost normal. Even if my body seems to be doing better, my mind is definitely still rigid, compulsive, and anxious. I'm starting to believe that my brain might do better at a higher weight, and wondering how much better I could feel then. Plus, I don't want to discover that this month was an anomaly and my body is still as messed up as ever. So I'm sticking to the meal plan, hopefully putting on some more weight, and hopefully getting another period in February.
Anyway, this means that I saw R again yesterday morning after just seeing him last Friday. I really like starting off the week with him, it puts my mind in a good place. Plus, I got to tell him my exciting news, about which he was appropriately ecstatic. I think only people with ED experience can appreciate how monumental periods can be.
Although he was happy for me, I think R was also concerned about one thing: my weight. The last two times I had periods (April 2011 and August 2009), I was exactly the same weight - XXX. Since then, I've considered that weight to be some magic threshold above which my body works fine and below which it doesn't. It is now the absolute bottom of my goal range, which was negotiated down by yours truly based on the very logic that if I get my period at XXX, then it should be considered healthy "enough."
Anyway, I am currently Y pounds below XXX, with Y being a significant but not huge number. So although I am eating better and have gained a little weight over the past month, neither I nor R was expecting me to get a period anytime soon. R mentioned that he was concerned I might take it as a sign to quit gaining and settle for my current weight, which he believes is absolutely too low.
Mostly, I'm just thrilled to feel like a functional female again. My bones are happy. But I will also admit that part of me is secretly thrilled to be a functional female at a lower weight than I expected to be. Part of me is also secretly wondering, is this good enough? The lack of a period was the one persistent glaring reminder that my weight was suboptimal - now that's gone, and I anticipate it will get harder to stay motivated. The real test of course will be if I continue to get periods regularly, or if this one was just a random fluke.
At the same time, I feel awesome and healthy and almost normal. Even if my body seems to be doing better, my mind is definitely still rigid, compulsive, and anxious. I'm starting to believe that my brain might do better at a higher weight, and wondering how much better I could feel then. Plus, I don't want to discover that this month was an anomaly and my body is still as messed up as ever. So I'm sticking to the meal plan, hopefully putting on some more weight, and hopefully getting another period in February.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
A Healthy Sign
This may be TMI but too bad because I'm so excited: I got my period! It started yesterday morning after I left R's office. The cramps suck, but I don't even care because I'm just thrilled to feel my body working again. I was positively giddy when I paid for my tampons and Midol at Walgreens this morning. In high school, I used to find buying that stuff mortifying, but today I wanted to tell everyone in line.
I guess I didn't realize how much it bothered me to go so long without a period, but now I'm acknowledging how shitty it is to have that constant reminder of being sick and broken. Suddenly, I'm feeling extremely protective of my body and grateful that it seems to have forgiven me a little bit for all my abuse.
You guys, it's gonna be a good year, I can already tell! Here's to many more periods.
I guess I didn't realize how much it bothered me to go so long without a period, but now I'm acknowledging how shitty it is to have that constant reminder of being sick and broken. Suddenly, I'm feeling extremely protective of my body and grateful that it seems to have forgiven me a little bit for all my abuse.
You guys, it's gonna be a good year, I can already tell! Here's to many more periods.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Team Dynamics
Lately, I've been noticing that my therapy sessions with R are getting better, but those with my dietician J are getting worse. On Monday of this week, I saw R and thought we had one of the most productive sessions ever. We covered so much more than usual, far beyond the food/weight/behavior stuff. We talked a lot about S, my friends, school - stuff that he doesn't normally ask about, or that I'm too reserved to bring up. Maybe I'm just getting comfortable with R, but I find myself so much more willing to open up. With being more compliant on the food piece, I am definitely getting much more out of therapy than I did last fall, when I would nod along and agree to "try harder" but not really commit to anything. It's nice to have R tell me "Good job!" at the end of each appointment rather than give me an ultimatum.
On the other hand, I've been getting increasingly frustrated with my dietician. Well, to be fair, I guess I'm not frustrated with J so much as I am with the dietary process in general. I'm still not fantastic about following the meal plan to the letter, but I come a lot closer than I ever did last semester. I'm also a bit more flexible with food choices, although I definitely still operate within a very narrow range of options. Every time I see her, though, J keeps telling me to be "more aggressive" or I will have to "go to treatment." I know she's not a therapist, but I do feel that she underestimates how hard it is for me to eat as much as she wants. Maybe this is my fault, since I'm really careful about not unloading my fears and anxieties about food and eating on her, and I'm self-conscious about seeming too anxious and needy.
Something that bugged me at my last appointment: I asked J if she had any suggestions for not counting calories, since that definitely prevents me from eating more freely. She kind of laughed and said, "Just don't do it!" Then she went on to say that I shouldn't worry about calories because she was keeping track, and having me count would only increase my anxiety.
I'm sure she didn't mean to sound so flippant, but that's the way it came across. Plus, I know that counting calories isn't conducive to reducing my anxiety about weight gain, and I know that it's an obsessive, unhealthy habit. That doesn't stop me from doing it. I was really looking for strategies like mixing up foods and eating more variety that might break the compulsion and help me take a more holistic approach to food and nutrition. In my appointment, it felt like J dismissed my question and made me feel stupid for asking it.
So for the past few weeks, I leave appointments with R feeling better, and I leave appointments with J feeling worse. This is sort of a strange situation, since R and J communicate regularly and are very much on the same page in terms of my meal plan and weight goals. Plus, the dynamic is much different than my old team, since I always got along much better with my old dietician than my old therapist. I remember finding it way easier to discuss food, weight, calories, etc. with B than to discuss thoughts and feelings with W. It was reassuring to talk out the food stuff with a professional, but therapy made me feel super uncomfortable and vulnerable. I'm not sure if the shift is just a matter of different personalities or a broader indication of where I am in recovery.
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