In the midst of all this, I've come across some really random shit that helps. Music, for one. I used to be a very serious musician—violin was my life for many years and I almost went to conservatory for college. But that was all classical (Brahms, Bach, Beethoven, etc.) and I always enjoyed but kind of turned up my nose at most pop music.* Music to me was never just throwing a catchy tune together and shooting a flashy video, you know? It was so much more intricate and serious. It was hours alone in a practice room running through scales and arpeggios again and again, wiggling my finger until it hit that sweet spot, where the note was so perfectly in tune you could feel it in your bones.
But man, there is something to be said for a catchy tune. On repeat for me right now is a mix of Whitney Houston dance music (think "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" and "How Will I Know"—a CLASSIC), Taylor Swift (obvi), "Uptown Funk" (listen and try not dancing, I dare ya), and some other random happy songs. This morning I started off in tears, then managed to turn the whole thing around by blasting music in my apartment and reorganizing my school binders.
CALL THE PO-LICE AND THE FIREMAN
Obviously I still do the real kind of therapy too—my session with Dr. P last week was really hard and uncomfortable but ultimately helpful, I think. I had been feeling like I wanted to be pushed in therapy and not just coast when things are good, then crash-n-burn when things are bad, and she definitely gave me that on Thursday. Unfortunately I'm traveling the next two weeks and won't see her until the 26th, but I definitely have some food for thought. And in the spirit of eating disorder recovery, many of those thoughts actually are about food. See what I did there?
So, I guess my point is that I'm trying really really hard to make my mental health a priority, using sort of a hodgepodge of skills and tools and tricks. Some of them suck but some of them stick, and that in itself is pretty empowering. How terrible can it be if a little 80's dance music perks me right up?
*I still turn my nose up at country music.