I don't know why it is SO hard for me to take my medication these days. I've just gotten out of the habit of popping my morning pill. No real aversion to it, I either just forget or kind of shrug it off like, oh well, no big deal! One day won't make a difference. Except that it's been a lot more than just one day; I'm still probably only actually taking my full dose maybe three or four times a week. THIS IS NOT OKAY. My mood is not stable enough for this. I am not robustly happy or okay enough to get away with that.
Dr. P has been trying to do CBT-type stuff with me relating to the pelvic pain—like getting me to think about whether the actual physical pain as all-consuming as I think it is, or if my mind is making things worse by automatically reverting to old awful patterns. Probably the latter, but try telling me that when I am in pain, and I will literally knock you out flat and spit in your face. So.....therapy has been fun the past few weeks.
I wish I were better at the cognitive stuff. I buy it, I really do. I have a whole list of prescribed rational thoughts to repeat to myself when I start panicking, like: I have gotten better before and I can get better again or The pain is only a 4/10 when it used to be an 8/10, or There are logical explanations for why the pain has been flaring. But it is so hard to feed myself that stuff when it feels like the world is falling apart around me.
I just want to be normal. I know that everyone has their shit, but why does this have to be mine?