I am really struggling with my weight right now. I mentioned kind of briefly in my last post that I had gained another couple pounds, but it's bothering me way more than I expected. Like, how does this even make sense? I know I'm not eating too much; I still count calories and I am so, so careful about my diet. I can't reasonably eat any less without 1) being starving 2) being exhausted and 3) using old anorexic tricks.
I started gaining weight (intentionally) about two years ago when my old therapist started giving me ultimatums ("no more losses or you will be hospitalized"), which was also around the time I started taking Celexa. Part of me is freaked out that the drug is making me gain, so I'm considering tapering off again. Even though I just decided to go back up to my old dose. So now I don't know what to do about that. But anyway, starting two years ago, I gained weight pretty steadily for about 12-18 months, and then my weight seemed to stabilize last summer. I maintained pretty consistently for about six months or so, and then in the last 2-3 months I've started gaining again. I'm now well over my previous lifetime high, my jeans are all getting tight, I feel fat and bloated, and I'm TERRIFIED that this is going to go on forever.
I've scoured the internet and there are a million stories of freaked out girls claiming to have gained massive amounts of weight on little-to-no food after anorexia from shot metabolisms, which most of me is skeptical of but part of me believes. Yesterday on the phone with my mom, she kept telling me to chill out, that my body has been through a trauma, that things will eventually stabilize. But part of me worries that I spent those developmentally crucial adolescent years starving, and now my body and metabolism are permanently fucked. And the thought of gaining more weight just devastates me.
I hate this. I hate that my body doesn't seem to play by the rules. Then again, I suppose I haven't always played by the rules either.