Monday, June 23, 2014

Gaining and Scared

I am really struggling with my weight right now. I mentioned kind of briefly in my last post that I had gained another couple pounds, but it's bothering me way more than I expected. Like, how does this even make sense? I know I'm not eating too much; I still count calories and I am so, so careful about my diet. I can't reasonably eat any less without 1) being starving 2) being exhausted and 3) using old anorexic tricks.

I started gaining weight (intentionally) about two years ago when my old therapist started giving me ultimatums ("no more losses or you will be hospitalized"), which was also around the time I started taking Celexa. Part of me is freaked out that the drug is making me gain, so I'm considering tapering off again. Even though I just decided to go back up to my old dose. So now I don't know what to do about that. But anyway, starting two years ago, I gained weight pretty steadily for about 12-18 months, and then my weight seemed to stabilize last summer. I maintained pretty consistently for about six months or so, and then in the last 2-3 months I've started gaining again. I'm now well over my previous lifetime high, my jeans are all getting tight, I feel fat and bloated, and I'm TERRIFIED that this is going to go on forever.

I've scoured the internet and there are a million stories of freaked out girls claiming to have gained massive amounts of weight on little-to-no food after anorexia from shot metabolisms, which most of me is skeptical of but part of me believes. Yesterday on the phone with my mom, she kept telling me to chill out, that my body has been through a trauma, that things will eventually stabilize. But part of me worries that I spent those developmentally crucial adolescent years starving, and now my body and metabolism are permanently fucked. And the thought of gaining more weight just devastates me.

I hate this. I hate that my body doesn't seem to play by the rules. Then again, I suppose I haven't always played by the rules either.


  1. Kaylee I can relate so much
    I know that fear only too well
    That you will keep gaining and gaining
    I know what it feels like to feel that you are not on control of your own body
    What I would say is breath
    Take a breathe
    Our weight can take a while to settle down
    I know mine is all over the place at the moment
    Try not to react by cutting calories
    Try not to weigh yourself too much
    I know it seems like it is spiralling out of control
    But it won't
    It will settle
    I have also looked up weight gain on the internet
    And it just feeds the fear
    Try and trust that your body will find it's own set point
    I know it's scary and annoying and frustrating
    I know you feel out of control
    But hang in there
    It will settle

    Take care x

  2. I was going to write a long post about my experience, but then this showed up in my RSS feed and is better than anything I could have written:

    Hang in there! You are doing wonderfully. You're in one of the toughest stages of recovery ...but it's also the most important phase to push through if you want a full recovery.


  3. Ugh, I can understand how this is very scary. However, it seems like weight is tied in with the pain/hormone stuff. It might be that your body is working to settle at a place where it can function the best (re: no pain). It might be a good idea to also just go for a check-up and get bloodwork done just to be sure everything is cool there. I know it's hard to keep eating properly, but I also wonder about the fact that the calories and weight are still really embedded for you. I've heard that after stabilizing at a healthy weight, those obsessions really drop off, and I know you still really struggle with calorie-counting. Just a thought. Hang in there!

  4. Oh man, I SO SO SO relate to this! I feel like my metabolism and body is permanently fucked and it's so distressing. I wish I could offer some advice, but I'm in the midst of all this too. :(

    I will say that I don't think it's wise to stop the Celexa, unless you're going to switch to another med. Go back and read your posts from the period of time that you were tapering as a reminder as to why less medicine = not a good idea.