Classes start up again tomorrow. I'm wavering somewhere between full-on vacation-end doldrums and excitement about having new courses that should be better than last semester's. Normally I like being busy and having a set schedule everyday but, I gotta say, these past few weeks have been SO nice and SO relaxing. I think being in a better place emotionally helps; I no longer feel like I have to obsessively fill my time to avoid being alone with myself in my head. At the moment, I am perfectly content to just sit with my own thoughts and not freak out.
I feel a little better prepared to tackle the craziness that is graduate school this time around, especially since I've got all the little stuff (parking, scheduling, expectations, grades, general atmosphere) figured out. And the little stuff tends to stress me out most, which is dumb but inevitably the case.
By this point, I also have a great relationship with my advisor and am super happy to be working with him. I LOVE the research we're doing and really believe in it, which is a definite difference in the way I felt about most of my fall classes. Plus, I am learning so much. Like, every time I walk into his office, I learn something new. So even if some of my classes this semester turn out to be duds, I've still got this source of intellectual inspiration, which is really important to me.
Along with the coursework and research, this semester I am also starting my internship placement. I will be working at a health clinic in a really poor section of College City, which should be a mix of eye-opening and depressing and informative all at once. And hopefully I'll enjoy it! It should be a nice change of pace from sitting in front of a computer all day.
If you're wondering when exactly I'm going to fit all this in (and don't forget my job, which is how I pay for, like, rent and electric and groceries and all that), you would be onto something. Right now I'm scheduled for 12 hours of class, 10 hours of internship, 10 hours of research, and 20 hours of work per week. I had thought that by dropping down from 5 classes to 4 I was giving myself a break, but somehow the hours have filled up again. We shall see how this goes...
Which brings me to my next dilemma. I haven't seen Dr. P in about a month because I was totally swamped the last week of the semester, then I was out of town, and then I got over-scheduled at work last week so I had to cancel again. I feel really guilty that Dr. P is saving me a spot on her calendar when I am totally NOT making therapy a priority these days, but lately it seems like there's always a headache involved in finding time to carve out an hour for an appointment. And the other elephant in the room on this issue is that I just don't feel super compelled by therapy anymore. I mean, I'm doing well, you know? I'm not even sure what I would talk about with Dr. P at my next appointment (whenever that ends up being). Eating/food is same ole same ole—not perfect, but to be honest, I don't know that talking about it much more will make a huge difference. Like I've written about before, therapy has never made a huge dent in the ED for me. As far as the recovery mindset, I'm there, and now I just need to keep chipping away at all the old bad habits day by day.
I still have anxieties and insecurities, but I'm not depressed or suicidal or anything like that. For the most part I am pretty happy. So, what do people talk about in therapy at this point?? I don't want to waste either of our time.
Random sunny Sunday facts to close:
—It is sunny AND over 30 degrees for the first time since I've been back in College City. Incredible.
—No rain or snow in the forecast for a whole WEEK.
—Four days into my self-imposed weeklong running ban, and my hip is definitely feeling better.
—Coffee. That's all.