Hey guys—thank you all SO MUCH for the love and support I got on my last post. I know that everyone has been subjected to my bitching and moaning about this issue for a long time, and I am so happy to be able to share improvement with you. I am trying to really see this as a huge opportunity to take inventory of what is important, what needs to be shrugged off, and what problems are really worth my attention and emotion.
Which brings me to my current dilemma. The first semester of my graduate program is known for its emphasis on group work. At the moment, I am part of four different groups at various stages of progress for different classes. None of those groups have had arguments or tension or anything, except for one.
One girl in one group seems to have targeted me...why? I am not really sure. She sent me a nasty e-mail a couple of weeks ago, cursed at me in class yesterday, and then sent an e-mail of epically horrible proportions: it was about five paragraphs long basically about how I am disrespectful, aggressive, mean, and that she has disliked me since the first day of class.
I immediately went to talk with the three other members of my group, who assured me that she is off her rocker and that I have not in any way been rude or disrespectful to her. I was too upset to handle it, so a guy in my group stepped up and went to the professor, who now wants to meet with Evil Girl and me in her office next week before class.
Logically, I know that I have not really done anything wrong. I've agonized over every interaction I've had with this girl, and still can't figure out what she's so angry about. I'm a nice person, I swear!! She claims that I have interrupted her, ignored her, excluded her, and insulted her—and I genuinely don't know what she is talking about.
I spent most of yesterday afternoon in tears. I talked about it with my other group members, my mom, and members of another group that I met with yesterday evening. A couple of my friends even took me out for drinks later to get my mind off of it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I have this sick, twisting feeling in my stomach—butterflies times 1,000. I have tried talking myself down, reminding myself that I have been through so much worse and that this is small potatoes compared to all my health problems, that this girl isn't worth getting upset over, that my professor will help me sort it out...but I'm still freaking out!
Unfortunately I am just an incredibly sensitive person who feels everything deeply and cannot stand the thought of people being mad at me. Even if it is someone about whom I couldn't care less. The only good part of all this is that I have gotten an overwhelming amount of support from my other friends; everyone else in the group backs me up, everyone in my other group (who unfortunately had to witness me crying) responded with nothing but love and kindness. One of my friends brought me chocolate, another bought me a drink, and my mom was justifiably outraged on my behalf at this girl. So overall I am feeling very loved and supported, and I am trying to focus on the positive rather than getting swept up in the anxiety and negativity. But goddamn it, that stupid girl totally ruined my week.
People suck sometimes. That's all the advice I have. Except maybe something from either of these sites will be helpful? http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/, http://behavioraltech.org/resources/tools_consumers.cfm
ReplyDeleteNot at all suggesting this is your problem, but some of those interpersonal skills have come in handy for me when dealing with absurd classmates/profs/etc.
People do indeed suck. Thanks for those sites, I will definitely check them out.
DeleteIf her emails were truly awful, you might think about whether it would be appropriate to share copies with your professor. I can totally understand why that might feel like a hard thing to do, but if she is really responding so negatively, you've got to consider your own mental health and your academic career. I've had situations like this professionally, and sometimes people just pick on you for some reason. I'm sorry you've got to deal with this!
ReplyDeleteThanks Teresa - I've been thinking about doing that. The professor of that class is actually a dean, so hopefully working with her will be effective.
DeleteI'm so sorry she's doing this to you. I'm shocked that adults (or humans in general) do this kind of thing. Her behavior toward you is beyond disrespectful, aggressive, and just plain mean. I'm really glad you're discussing it with your professor and standing up for yourself. I want to tell you that you are none of the things she said you are. You are: sweet, kind, compassionate, considerate, respectful, and very lovely. She's flat out wrong, and clearly has some weird thing against you. I'm really sorry she targeted you. I'm glad that your friends and mom have been so supportive and caring. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteyou are gonna make me cry Alie, thank you!! At lunch yesterday, one of my friends was telling me about a problem she's been having with someone in HER group, and we concluded that yes, even highly educated adults can say some pretty awful, immature things. I would have expected this behavior in middle school - not GRADUATE school. anyways, you are the best, thank you!
DeleteThis is a totally rude and unprofessional thing to say.... but, given the topic of your research and given your degree... let's just say it's possible that it's attracted some people who may have some issues. I say this out of personal experience in my own program (even though I know we're in different programs). Sounds like this girl needs help. She sounds like she may either have an aggressive coping style with insecurity or maybe even has some kind of personality disorder. Seriously.
ReplyDeletethat's actually a really good point and is something I've noticed in others - we had a discussion in one of my classes about psychotropic drugs and you could just TELL the people who'd been on them by the way they talked, you know? And it was a not-insignificant minority of the class.. So yes, there seems to be something about certain degree programs that attracts certain types of people, kind of like how eating disorders are disproportionately represented among dieticians. Just something to remember when I start taking things too personally, I suppose! thanks Laura
Deleteyeah for sure! There definitely are "types" that different degrees attract.... And I've experienced the same thing you have in conversations about psychotropic drugs.
Deleteone thing is sure - you are clearly the victim of her own interpersonal struggles and her own interpersonal deficits and ineffectiveness and nothing to do with you.
ReplyDeleteIt's the worst. When something like this happens to me for some reason the negative that one person says still sticks with me even after all the positive from other people. It will fade with time though, everything will be ok. We know none of those things she said to you are true.
ReplyDelete