I'm not pain-free, but often I come pretty close. Often, in fact, the pain is not at the forefront of my mind. Of course I am totally paranoid that this is a random fluke thing, but it feels different. I haven't felt this consistently good in almost two years. It hasn't been a flip switching - more of a gradual downgrade to the point where I now have more good days than bad. Hard to imagine I'm here. And I am so grateful.
At the same time, this all puts me in a bit of a conundrum because I pretty much want to be out running and skipping and jump roping and what-have-you every second of the day...but apparently, I still have major problems eating enough to fuel all that joyful movement. I have done a little better the past couple days with eating more as suggested/ordered by Dr. P., but still not exactly where she wanted me. Plus the fact that I recently upped my running volume, so I really should be going beyond the planned caloric increase...
I'm grateful, but I'm also scared. I've gotten used to feeling miserable all the time; to expecting the worse; to assuming that I won't ever get to enjoy things the way other people do. I'm happy, but it's a tentative, anxious happiness. I am trying to remember back to the first couple of times I saw Dr. A when he insisted over and over again that the anorexia is what screwed me; that losing my period for so many years was not harmless, but rather a sign that things beneath the surface were going horribly wrong. I keep trying to remind myself how good things are when I'm not hurting all the time, and how easily I could mess that up. I even bought a box of POP-TARTS, so there's really no excuse for me not hitting my calorie goals.