Thanks for everyone's comments about my therapy dilemma. I mean it's not really a dilemma—just more that I don't particularly feel like going to therapy much anymore, since it feels like I'm doing well most of the time. In fact, it almost feels kind of nice to be stressing about school and friends and errands and money—normal stuff instead of horrible freak medical stuff or sick twisted anorexic stuff. And I feel dumb going to therapy to talk about normal stuff, or trying to rack my brain for problems that feel worth talking about.
Speaking of this aforementioned normal stuff: ugh I am totally drowning in school work. Is it bad to be already counting down the weeks until winter break? A week of no responsibilities sounds like a little glimpse of heaven right about now. There's just no such thing as down-time anymore, you know? I'm either in class, at work, running from class to work or vice versa, in meetings, in therapy, in my car, or tutoring. And when I'm at home, I'm working. I had a really fun time going out with friends Thursday and Friday, but gosh the constant going is just exhausting. I can't even describe how nice it was to come home after a long day yesterday, curl up in my pajamas, make a pb&j, and watch the baseball game. (Anyone but Boston!!!)
I've been trying really really hard to keep it all in perspective and not let the little stuff get me down. It seems kind of pointless to get worked up about papers and exams when I'm just grateful to be alive and functioning and okay. But unfortunately I will probably always be one of those people who lives in a constant state of slight anxiety. I'm getting better about it, and I'm not entirely convinced that living with a sense of urgency is necessarily always a bad thing, but it would be nice to give my brain a break once in a while.
Um, what was my point? Oh yeah, that I'm stressed but not TOO stressed, and that I'm working on the Big Picture thing. I've started (meaning, I've done it once in the past two weeks but am planning to improve upon that) writing down things I am grateful for or happy about or whatever positive thing I feel like each night, just to keep my head in a good place. And the truth is, there are A LOT of things for me to be grateful for and happy about right now, and I think it's important to acknowledge them.
Okay, some other random updates:
— Even with all the school stress, I had a really nice weekend. For several hours yesterday, I volunteered with a research group in College City that was administering surveys in a low-income neighborhood. Kind of amazing how gracious and resilient people can be. It was nice to get off campus and meet people, plus hang out with a couple guys from my program outside the classroom. The beautiful weather didn't hurt either!!
— Still working on eating more regularly, not cutting snacks, etc. I gave myself a stern talking-to the other day about how not eating is not okay and not worth it. My goal of the week is to hit a certain calorie minimum every day, even if that means chowing on poptarts at midnight to get the numbers in. You guys can hold me to that.
— I've only used the capsaicin once so far and it wasn't nearly as painful as I had expected. We'll see how it goes from here...
Take care everyone, hope you all had a great weekend.
UPDATE: Okay I spoke too soon because the capsaicin cream was majorly painful on Night #2. Hopefully this means it's working....