At my appointment yesterday, Dr. P and I spent most of the time talking about food, the unconscious-but-not-totally-unconscious restricting that has been happening, and some of the eating disordered tendencies I've still been having DESPITE doing pretty amazingly re food for the past 6 months to a year or so. While I was talking to her, I realized that I still have so many weird quirks about food—always eating at the same time, always eating the same things, only eating certain things at certain times, (usually) only eating things for which I know the nutritional content, eating a larger portion of my calories later in the day even though I'm usually starving between breakfast and lunch, and saving up calories in anticipation of....what? I don't even know. So yeah, still got some things to work on.
Something that kept coming up over and over again in therapy was that I HATE talking about food and calories and meal plans. HATE. IT. I am so freaking sick of food and eating disorders and all that, and I hate that it's taking up space in my head. Eating disorders are boring and exhausting and I just want to be done. Though of course, I can't be done with all these weird food rules and obsessions; I have to deal with them. You know? But I'm SICK OF IT. It doesn't help that I also despise cooking, baking, grocery shopping, preparing food, packing food, choosing food...you name it. A housewife, I am not. (Hear that, future husband? You best brush up on your cooking skills, honey!)
This has been on my mind because a friend and I were moaning and commiserating about schoolwork, and she said something like: "If I could drop out of school tomorrow and be married with kids, I'd do it." And part of me was all like YES I LOVE BABIES ME TOO! But then I realized, wait, no. There is so much I want to accomplish, and yes it is exhausting and overwhelming, but there is something so exciting and satisfying and fulfilling about working towards something that has nothing to do with food or weight or calories—or even about myself, really. It's all about the work, and it doesn't really matter what I look like or came from, and no one knows about my history, and I'm not responsible for anything except doing the work. And I feel like I need the chance to shed all this ED crap and experience that for a while before I pour myself into Wife and Mommy mode—but of course I can't do any of it unless I'm healthy and sane and reasonably happy.
Well sheesh, that was a word-puke for you! Hope everyone's having a great week.
Really interesting post! I was nodding along all through the beginning: I can relate to a lot of it, especially the "saving up calories" thing (wtf, right?) and the "wanting to be done" thing. It gives me a lot of hope to hear that you can envision yourself actually being free of this stuff, and I'm so glad you're feeling excited about your work. I, too, am in that stage where I want to move on, I look like I've moved on, I probably "should" be able to move on . . . but a frustratingly large proportion of my head-space is wasted on obsessing about food, hating my body, and denigrating myself in numerous and creative ways. Blargh.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I missed your last few posts, but I just wanted to say that I'm glad you've got something new to try for your pain. Fingers crossed for the chile-pepper cure...
yes I have SO many weird things about food in terms of timing and calories (e.g. what can be eaten when) that make zero sense in terms of practicality or health or basic human reason, but for some reason are set in stone in my mind. This illness is a huge waste of brain space, although the frustrating thing now is that it doesn't necessarily feel like I really have an illness anymore; it just feels like there are a lot of rigid and inconvenient habits that have bored holes in the logic center of my brain. For me right now, the risks and downsides of having an eating disorder so far outweigh the benefits that it's just aggravating and frustrating to find myself dealing with these same old maladaptive behaviors for no good reason.
DeleteAnyways, best of luck to you. ANd thanks, I've got my fingers crossed too :)
I loved this post and what you said about the work. I have a hard time sometimes with all the little goals in my life but it does get so much easier when I go to work and feel like I'm putting in my best there.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it sucks how much MORE work there is to do, and different stages are different/challenging in different ways for different people, but in my experience, going from eating enough (but weirdly) to eating more spontaneously has been a much less painful (dare I say enjoyable?) process (as compared to going from full out crazy brain kicking and screaming to eating sufficiently/being weight restored).
ReplyDeleteAlso, yaaaaaaaaaay for you for realizing how much you want outta life re: academics etc! That's been the biggest motivator for me in sooo many ways. Just realizing how clouded and cognitively blunted I am when I'm restricting vs. not. There's some work out there (that I'm not well versed in) about eating disorders being an oppressive force, and that visual has sometimes been helpful for me-- being cognizant of the fact that not eating actively limits my abilities to do the kickass things I want to do. (Though I've never been quite sure who the oppressors were in that equation-- biology/environment??)
Anyhow now prattling on excessively here, per usual-- but keep fighting the good fight. And if you ever find a way to not hate grocery shopping and cooking, be a dear and let me know. Not sure if that's an ED'd thing, personal inherent preference or the mere fact that when most people are learning to be semi-independent I was terrified of food or what, but ugh I suck at that stuff!
Yes! This sounds super cheesy and cliche and ugh, but school and my research have given me such a sense of purpose and optimism. I like that idea of the "oppressive force" - I am going to look that up! something that has really clicked for me is the idea that brain structure can change with nutrition, therapy, behavior, thoughts, etc. So that the more I obsess about food, the more I'll obsess about it. ANd the more I restrict and count calories and generally abuse myself, the worse things will get over time. And on the flip side, the more I keep my eye on the big picture and think positive, the better things will start looking in the long run.
DeleteI think I'm somewhere on the cusp of getting stuck in longterm subclinical restrictive habits vs finally letting go a bit more and moving in a more spontaneous, flexible direction. Good to know how that looks from the other side! Thanks JS
I think it's awesome that you have this insight not only into all the little ED behaviors/thoughts, but also about how much more you want from your life than you can have while still hanging onto disordered thinking or patterns. I'm so proud of you for really naming what you need to tackle so you can 100% break free from the ED prison. Good for you! That's a lot of difficult self-honesty. And I'm so glad you've got things you're looking forward to and want to pursue! Such a great motivation to keep moving forward! I know it's more work, but you've done so many amazing things within and alongside of recovery. I know you can do this! You deserve to!
ReplyDelete