Sorry for the inconsistent posting lately. I am totally swamped as per usual and sometimes feel like there isn't a whole lot to say beyond 1) school 2) work. I've also had a lot of unexpected outings/social things over the past couple of weeks, plus traveling last week, so I am pretty much going all the time. As mentioned, I skipped therapy this week...I still don't have a good reason for why, other than that I just didn't really feel like going. I am doing pretty well mentally/emotionally lately, and part of me feels like therapy forces me to dredge up problems that aren't really there. Anyway. I should talk about this with Dr. P.
I've been thinking a lot about my "mental health" lately - specifically, is anything even wrong with me anymore? What should I be "fixing" in therapy? I eat pretty well (not perfectly, but pretty well); my body image is fine (not great, but fine), and I am no longer depressed/angry/frustrated/miserable. I'm not sunshine and rainbows all the time, but I'm fine. I go to work and school and hang out with my friends and eat in restaurants and all that. It doesn't really feel like the eating disorder, anxiety, or depression interfere with my overall health or daily lifestyle in any significant way. Eating out still makes me anxious and I probably still worry about food and exercise more than the average person, but overall I think I'm going well. So. I don't know - do I continue to identify myself as a sick person and go to therapy indefinitely? Or do I take a break and go back when I need it? Is therapy something that confers cumulative benefits over time, or something that I should only use on an as-needed basis?
I've got a good-enough handle on my everyday life that hashing out the same old hard parts week after week in therapy just seems to bring me down. Can anyone relate? I still adore my therapist and would like to maintain a relationship with her, but I'm not sure how to proceed.
In related news, I've been doing way better with spontaneous eating lately. I've been out to eat with a friend of mine twice in the past two weeks. Last night, he found this crazy Brazilian restaurant (I did NOT know where we were going ahead of time) that served samples of about 10 different cuts of meat: lamb, pork, filet mignon, sirloin, chicken, turkey, etc. Impossible to know how many calories I ate (of course I still tried to estimate) but I was absolutely fine with tasting everything. Then again, I had cut way down on my snack earlier in the day, soo... Yeah. I guess I'm still in a weird limbo-place regarding food. I am going out with another friend tonight, and the plan is to NOT restrict my snack beforehand. Will see how that goes.
Okay, this was all over the place. More coherence coming soon.