Hey guys—I am still processing my incredible gratitude towards you all. Reading the comments on my last post literally brings me to tears. I am so unbelievably overwhelmed by your compassion and insightfulness and general amazingness. I think my blog readers must be some of the most wonderful people in the world.
In case you hadn't picked up on this, I've been more than a little down lately. I cry every day. I have a hard time sleeping. I'm not eating super well. I spend a lot of time thinking seriously about what it would mean for me to be in this physical condition forever.
But, somehow, life goes on. It's funny like that, you know? I attend (mostly) all my classes, even if I cry on the walk there. I talk with the people around me. I go to all my meetings. A draft of the second chapter of my thesis is on target to be submitted on Monday. In a meeting with my four-year advisor, we discovered that I've pretty much caught up after taking a semester off two years ago. As long as I jam-pack my spring schedule, I'll be graduating with the rest of my class in May.
My roommate says it scares her how normal I can be. She knows what's going on, for the most part - I've broken down in front of her more than once, and end up spilling more and more each time. But 99% of the time, even with her, I act just fine.
It's nothing new, nothing you guys haven't heard me talk about before. It just feels like everything has been building up all year and is now finally tearing me down - and it feels like it's for real this time. I don't see myself getting back up from this. I suppose I will, somehow, but I don't see it yet. I don't feel capable of coping with everything that has gotten dumped on my plate. I try picturing myself in five years, or ten, or twenty, and still having the same issues with my eyes, with the pain, with medications - and of course, the eating disorder - and it just doesn't seem possible, or worth it. I can't see a life for myself like this.
I love you guys a lot, and hope you all know how much your support means to me. Sorry to be so inarticulate about everything; I just don't know how to put it all into words. More soon.