Happy Monday, everyone. Hope it's been a fantastic weekend for all. Mine was fairly good, although a smidge chilly for my liking. There was also a lot of time spent starting at my computer without actually accomplishing much. Then I hung out with some friends the other night, and made plans to get dinner with two others this week. I daresay, sometimes I think I might just be almost normal.
I just realized that I haven't seen my dietician in over a month now. The food piece is really weird for me right now. I'm eating fine, or more fine than I was for most of last year, although I am still incredibly rigid and ritualistic about it. No casual snacking, no spontaneous treats, not breaks in routine, etc. My weight is deceptively creeping up thanks to this damn DRUG, because even I know that I'm not eating enough to be gaining weight. I feel like R always wants to harp on the food issue, and I just kind of want to shrug it off because I feel like food isn't a huge issue at all right now.
I am seeing the doctor who prescribed the evil Chub Drug this week, so I'm planning to ask her about possible alternatives. Maybe with starting PT, I will be able to taper off the medication without too much trouble. Although maybe that's being overly optimistic, since I seem to have developed some new back and hip stiffness/pain/weirdness over the past couple of days. Does anyone know whether ice or heat is better for that? I've tried both, and I can't tell which one felt better.
Honestly, I don't really know what I want to happen. Correction: I do know: I want to come off the drug and have my weight drop back down to where it was a couple months ago. But then the rational part of me knows that that will put me back into the underweight category, and therefore right back where I started, and right back to where all these issues started in the first place. I keep telling myself that I am okay with gaining weight as long as it is on my own terms and not because evil Chub Drug is messing with my innards. But then I realize that I'd probably be incredibly uncomfortable at this weight (first minimum goal set my R and J) regardless of how I got there - a.k.a. via increased calories or drug-induced gain. It's unfortunate that a fear of weight gain is causing me SO much distress and unhappiness, but I don't know how to view it positively, especially when I'm still not eating very well in terms of quantity, variety, flexibility, etc. etc. etc.
ARGH. Maybe it is time to go back to therapy. Have a great week, everyone!
I was put on meds to help stimulate my appetite a few years ago and I am still on it, it's called olanzapine. Is that what you are on?
ReplyDeleteI don't like being on it and to be honest don't always take it properly but it also helps with anxiety so I take it for that too.
It's great to read that things are going well for you x
Hi—no, it's not olanzapine and it doesn't really affect my appetite. My eating has actually stayed exactly the same, which is the weird/frustrating part. I'm glad that medication has helped you though.
DeleteI hope you know how much I care about you so I'm going to make a blunt point. This sentence:
ReplyDelete"I feel like R always wants to harp on the food issue, and I just kind of want to shrug it off because I feel like food isn't a huge issue at all right now."
is totally inconsistent with this:
"I am still incredibly rigid and ritualistic about it. No casual snacking, no spontaneous treats, not breaks in routine, etc"
You don't have to be clinically underweight to still have a serious eating disorder, babe, and I think I think R probably sees how much the disease is still totally steering many of your decisions. I don't mean to undercut the accomplishments you've made or the fact that you've been doing well with your intake--that is AWESOME and you have tons to be proud of. But I just hope you know that you deserve so much more than to do all that incredibly hard work only to stick at a place where you're still not the boss in your own life. I know that you are an incredibly intelligent and insightful person and am confident that you were already aware of all of that, but I know sometimes there is a gap in *knowing* something and applying it to oneself.
I can't imagine how hard it is to be dealing with this in light of all the other medical issues, a drug that is fucking with your metabolism, etc. I have a ton of respect for you in many ways, and really just wish a wand could be waved that would make you happy and healthy. Hang in there Kaylee, you WILL beat this.
haha wow good point, I didn't even realize I wrote two such blatantly contradicting sentences. I guess I should have said that food doesn't *seem* like a huge issue compared to everything else, but it obviously still is. I am definitely going to work on making that more of a priority. Thanks, you're the best.
DeleteI know that the weight gain from the meds is super scary, and I know it's really hard that it feels out of your control. I definitely get the feeling of "If I'm going to gain, it's gotta be on my terms," and with mealplan stuff, rather than as some side affect. That being said, I know you want your body to return to a healthy state, and that there's hope in that a healthier state will mean less medical problems/pain/eye problems. In that way, even though I know it's super scary and frustrating, the gain from the med is still getting you to a healthier body. With the healthier body will also come a less rigid mindset, hopefully to where you can enjoy some spontaneity and fun treats "just because." You've done a few posts about the things you want from recovery and I find those so inspirational because they seem like such freeing things. I want you to have those things, you deserve them! I know it's hard, frustrating, and tiring, but I know you can fight through it. And I'm always here if you need to vent!
ReplyDeleteYou're totally right - I think that regardless of how I got there, my body definitely does have a better chance of repairing itself at a higher weight with a little cushion if anything goes wrong. Thanks, always love hearing from you!
DeleteI think you said you were on Seroquel, is that right? Depending what you're on it for, there should be other alternatives--I was on it for a while and had the same weight side effect so tried something different that actualy worked better.
ReplyDeleteAs for the pain--I've had chronic back pain for the past 15 years, so I can really relate to this struggle. For me, heat is always better. If you haven't already done so, go online and order yourself a large heating pad that has temperature settings, not just a standard heating pad with a high, medium and low.
I went for about 10 years without a diagnosis so can also understand just how infuriating that part can be--getting passed from doctor to doctor.
Hang in there!
Hi Teresa - I am actually on low-dose amitriptyline for neuropathic pain and migraines. I think there are alternatives, but one of my doctors is being difficult about it, grrr. Hopefully I can get things switched around at my next appointment. Sorry to hear about the back pain - my friend has a herniated disc and I've seen how awful that can be. Hope things are going a lot better for you now!
DeleteHow'd the appt go with the doc who rx'd it? I hope you're able to find some drug that works well for the pain and doesn't stress you out. Be careful going off it though-- if that's what the doctor wants you to do. As much of a mind-f as it is to gain weight from medication, it's pretty tough/confusing when you lose weight because of a change in medication too. And it seems like the drug might be masking some of the effects of your undereating, so if you go off of it, well. Yeah. You might have to step it up you know?
ReplyDeleteGood luck. Chronic pain + being a student is hard work!!
thanks a lot JS - appt. was okay, I'm not totally happy with this doctor for a lot of reasons. Long story short, she is switching me to a different drug. I haven't started it yet bc I HATE the withdrawal/tapering up process and am not yet convinced I want to be taking this new drug. There just aren't really a whole lot of good options, you know?
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