I have a lot running through my head lately. I'm going to try to be coherent and articulate but, well, you know.
First, I'm getting a ton of pressure from R. I hadn't seen him in two weeks, during which I somehow managed to lose a couple of pounds. This was completely unintentional, since I thought I ate pretty well - or at least hit my baseline - during Thanksgiving. According to R, this is my lowest weight in the twelve-ish weeks that I've been seeing him. (I guess that explains why I've been feeling weak, exhausted, and constantly starving all week, but apparently my deductive reasoning skills are wanting.) So I've been given another week to hit the meal plan and gain it back, or else we need to talk about Next Steps.
He's really pushing the IP thing, to which I am incredibly resistant because I don't think it's necessary. And also because it sounds horrendous. An alternative suggestion was for me to do a few weeks of IOP before the start of the spring semester, which seems slightly less awful but not by much. He isn't telling me to make a definitive decision just yet, but to start thinking about it. I'm also not sure how to talk to my mom about this, since we only discuss the ED very briefly. She seems to be under the impression that things are going fairly swimmingly. I think it's hard for her to understand that just because I'm under the care of a highly experienced therapist, eating three meals a day, and not a straight up skeleton doesn't mean that I'm not struggling.
Second, I think I want to break up with S. He's done nothing wrong - in fact, he's done everything right. The flowers, the chocolates, the dinners, the constant texting, the nightly phone calls, the chauffeuring me around town, the offers to "listen if you ever need to talk about stuff that's bothering you." Because he's not an idiot and he can tell that stuff is bothering me.
I've spent a lot of time and brainpower trying to decide this: Do I want to end things because I truly don't like him enough to stay in a relationship? OR is it because I'm just generally numbed out to everything right now? He is a wonderful guy and I don't want to push him away if it's a matter of ED sucking out all my emotional energy. I've been making a huge effort to accept all food-related invitations, just to reassure myself that I can, and that my reservations aren't motivated by anorexic fears. But the bottom line is that I'm not excited to see S anymore, hanging out with him feels like a chore, and it's not fair for me to string him along when I'm nowhere near as committed as he is.
Anyone still reading? Sorry for the epic posts lately. I'm feeling wordy, apparently, and my mind has been ready to explode. I also just realized that all of my aforementioned drama involved the men in my life, so I'll end with a list of happy girlie things:
- I had a great conversation after class yesterday with my favorite female professor, who made me feel smart and worthwhile.
- Tomorrow night, my roommate and I are going to a concert and I'm SO excited for it.
- My boss asked me to continue interning with her for another semester, which means that I get to finish the projects I've started this fall.
- My foot is finally starting to feel better. (Knock on wood!) A girl from class asked me to try a new gym downtown with her, so we're checking it out this weekend.
Happy Friday!
First of all, yes people still read! Continue to post epically girl, some of us appreciate that. ;)
ReplyDeleteHmm interesting development with S. It seems highly possible that it is a form of keeping him at arms length because of the ED, consciously or not....OR it could be that he really just does belong on your Friendlist. No one outside the relationship can really know, and unfortunately sometimes it's hard to tell even from inside a relationship. :/ maybe the holiday break will give you some time to mull it over before you both come back in the spring?
Definitely understand your hesitance to do IP when you just fought so hard to get your college experience back. But the key is to keep it a healthy experience...where would you do the IOP option, at home over the break? Sounds like a good compromise, but I'm never about trying to give treatment recommendations. Just validating that it's a difficult and multifaceted decision, and I hope that you are able to work something out that is both helpful and not too disruptive for school--but your health of course always comes first.
Have you thought about having your mom in on a session with R, even if just through speakerphone? That might be a much easier way to update her than trying to come up with the words all by yourself? Just an idea.
Awesome that your boss wants you back--of course she does!
Do you think the weight loss was partly holiday stress? Have you kept your intake pretty consistent despite time off for your Achilles? None of my business and you don't even have to answer, just something to think about. Concerned and hope that you get on back on track.
I hope you had a great time at the concert!
Thanks Cammy - I think the plan would be to come back to College City early and do IOP in R's treatment center for two-ish weeks before next semester starts. It is definitely a cautious, reasonable, responsible option, although I foresee resentment brewing in me if I feel pressured into doing it - especially during my vacation!
ReplyDeleteOn my mom: actually one of my assignments this week was to call her about the status of things. It's just hard to bring her into it when her role so far has been extremely hands off, and I cringe at the awkwardness of a joint session. Sometimes I do think it would be helpful for her to talk to R though, just so he could fill her in on the things I can't bring myself to say.
The weight loss, in all honesty, was really surprising to me. My intake has not changed, even with the time off exercise, so I don't have any idea why my weight has gone down. So I'm slightly irritated that R doesn't seem to believe me.
I feel you on the Mom issue. Mine was/is also extremely hands-off, and even at this stage it is hard for me to talk to her about it...even if she's the one that brings up the issue. Sounds like having R. facilitate, at least to start with, might be a good option, and a necessary one if you're going to go through with an IOP option? Which sounds like a good route, btw, but I know it sucks to feel pressured into something. Remember that this whole recovery ordeal is something you're doing for yourself, not something that's being done to you...even though it doesn't always feel that way.
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a great week!
If your therapist truly isn't helping you to take steps toward confronting and conquering your ED and you're not making any progress physically or emotionally, I'd say take a little break from therapy, find a new therapist in a little while, and start fresh.
ReplyDeleteI just "broke up" with my therapist unintentionally. But now that I think about it, I wasn't making any progress with her. :-/ Just my personal advice!
Hope the situation with your meds is going well! I did receive your reply e-mail to my message and haven't been able to write back because 1) I'm awful at returning e-mails, texts, and phone calls and 2) I've been SWAMPED with school but it's finally dying down!
Hope things start looking up for the both of us!
xox alli