I have a lot running through my head lately. I'm going to try to be coherent and articulate but, well, you know.
First, I'm getting a ton of pressure from R. I hadn't seen him in two weeks, during which I somehow managed to lose a couple of pounds. This was completely unintentional, since I thought I ate pretty well - or at least hit my baseline - during Thanksgiving. According to R, this is my lowest weight in the twelve-ish weeks that I've been seeing him. (I guess that explains why I've been feeling weak, exhausted, and constantly starving all week, but apparently my deductive reasoning skills are wanting.) So I've been given another week to hit the meal plan and gain it back, or else we need to talk about Next Steps.
He's really pushing the IP thing, to which I am incredibly resistant because I don't think it's necessary. And also because it sounds horrendous. An alternative suggestion was for me to do a few weeks of IOP before the start of the spring semester, which seems slightly less awful but not by much. He isn't telling me to make a definitive decision just yet, but to start thinking about it. I'm also not sure how to talk to my mom about this, since we only discuss the ED very briefly. She seems to be under the impression that things are going fairly swimmingly. I think it's hard for her to understand that just because I'm under the care of a highly experienced therapist, eating three meals a day, and not a straight up skeleton doesn't mean that I'm not struggling.
Second, I think I want to break up with S. He's done nothing wrong - in fact, he's done everything right. The flowers, the chocolates, the dinners, the constant texting, the nightly phone calls, the chauffeuring me around town, the offers to "listen if you ever need to talk about stuff that's bothering you." Because he's not an idiot and he can tell that stuff is bothering me.
I've spent a lot of time and brainpower trying to decide this: Do I want to end things because I truly don't like him enough to stay in a relationship? OR is it because I'm just generally numbed out to everything right now? He is a wonderful guy and I don't want to push him away if it's a matter of ED sucking out all my emotional energy. I've been making a huge effort to accept all food-related invitations, just to reassure myself that I can, and that my reservations aren't motivated by anorexic fears. But the bottom line is that I'm not excited to see S anymore, hanging out with him feels like a chore, and it's not fair for me to string him along when I'm nowhere near as committed as he is.
Anyone still reading? Sorry for the epic posts lately. I'm feeling wordy, apparently, and my mind has been ready to explode. I also just realized that all of my aforementioned drama involved the men in my life, so I'll end with a list of happy girlie things:
- I had a great conversation after class yesterday with my favorite female professor, who made me feel smart and worthwhile.
- Tomorrow night, my roommate and I are going to a concert and I'm SO excited for it.
- My boss asked me to continue interning with her for another semester, which means that I get to finish the projects I've started this fall.
- My foot is finally starting to feel better. (Knock on wood!) A girl from class asked me to try a new gym downtown with her, so we're checking it out this weekend.