Thursday, December 8, 2011

Progress and Reflections

Today was my last day of classes, and finals start next week! I'm still blown away by how fast the semester has gone by - but also a smidge overwhelmed by how much that needs to get done between now and when I actually go back home. But I'm not panicking yet and I felt like blogging instead of studying.

Stop the presses everyone: I had a really good session with R yesterday. Usually, I leave his office feeling like crap; this time, I left feeling empowered and motivated and wanting health. He was thrilled that I had done way better on the meal plan last week, and I think that rubbed off on me. See? I can be a good patient! 

I hope I haven't given the impression that I don't like R or that he isn't working for me. In fact, I think he's brilliant. I complain about him a lot on here, mostly because he is tough and he does challenge me. I've been a tough patient, I know, but he has never gotten frustrated or given up on me or treated me with anything but concern and respect.

Then last night, I had a long talk with my mom in which I was able to talk more openly about the ED than I probably ever have before. She still doesn't really get it, but she believes me. We are working on the plan for treatment over winter break and although I'm not thrilled about any of the options, I'm becoming okay with it. Again and again, I am absolutely freaking amazed at how supportive and loving and wonderful my mom is.

Okay. Now I want to address something that came up in the comments the other day: I sincerely regret having ever inadvertently given the impression that I'm treating my illness "lightly" or not taking it seriously. I am. It is on my mind every second of the day. I agonize over it - the dangers, the insanity, the futility. I am constantly terrified about the damage I could be doing to my heart, my bones, my brain, and pretty much every other organ in my body. I am wracked with guilt over the trouble I've caused my parents, the money my treatment is costing, and the worry they live with every day. How anyone could not take all of that seriously is beyond me.

BUT I understand that it is possible to recognize the seriousness of something without having the tools or the capacity to rectify it. Yes, I could probably solve most of my problems (health-wise, anyway) by simply "eating more." By shutting up, sucking it up, putting on my blinders, and soldiering through. I'm not denying that I need to eat more and that I need to restore weight. Actually implementing that, though, is a process fraught with anxiety and fear and incredible self-loathing.

I know that I'm living a half-life by wasting time and energy and emotions on food and weight, but I am taking steps forward in ways that are hugely significant for me, even if they don't seem that way to an outsider. Upping the meal plan was huge. Cutting the exercise was huge. Opening up to my mom was huge. So I'm trying and it's working - albeit slowly - and I would never treat this hell lightly.


  1. Hey! I didn't mean to accuse you of not taking anything lightly or anything at all. I also didn't mean to accuse you of not trying. And I certainly wasn't trying to say "just eat more, duh!" Full disclosure: I've been where you are, needing to gain weight, struggling with anorexia in college, it continued after college, yadi yadi, then i went residential for about 75% of the year, and now i'm grateful for it. (if that disclosure helps... I used to blog but don't anymore. I only read two blogs and just started reading yours - and I've read every post). I guess what I meant to say was this: the symptoms you were describing make me shudder b/c they bring me back to a time in my own eating disorder. At that time, I didn't think I was "thaaat bad," but I look back at that now and realize how in it i was. So part of my comment was just my own stuff. And what I said about "you need to eat more and if you can't, you need to consider IP" or whatever it was that I said.... I wasn't blaming you for not having the tools to rectify your situation. I was simply trying to point out that you need a lot of support and I hope you will take the support in whatever setting it may come in. I DO commend you for increasing the mp and decreasing the exercise; I DO commend you for talking to your mom. Those haven't been lost. I just had an ED for many years myself and have seen plenty of people around me have their ED linger for forever...seemingly, at least... and I just don't want that to be you. So I was making a case for "as much support as necessary to recover as quickly as possible" basically.... idk. i'm sorry for any offense I caused.

  2. Hi Laura, thanks for reading! I didn't mean for my post to sound like a direct response to your comment, I actually worry a lot anyway about coming across as indifferent and dismissive of my treatment team. I'm super self-conscious about my less-than-stellar track record of following recommendations from R and I never want to sound like I'm not trying. So I was definitely projecting some of that.

    Anyway, I'm so glad to have you as a reader and I really appreciate your advice and support. No offense taken whatsoever! Congrats on all your success in treatment - it's always great to hear from people who have come out on the other side!

  3. Thanks, Kaylee! Hope you have a nice day :)

  4. I think these are all huge steps. Keep trying to be a good patient. In fact, try to win Patient of the Year! It can only help! I continue to cheer you on from Florida :)