Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas Impossible

Something has shifted over the past week or so, sending me from general numbness to outright depression. I know that I just mentioned recently how my anxiety has been a much bigger problem lately, and it still is, but suddenly I'm crying all the time and I don't know why. My mom is at a loss, and now I mostly just hide it from her because I'm sick of upsetting her and trying to explain that no, I'm not crying because of this or that or anything you said, I just feel crappy.

I'm trying really hard to be a normal person around my family and friends. Christmas was lovely; we opened presents in the morning, then my mom and I went for a walk outside since the weather was beautiful. We spent the afternoon cooking (steaks and shitake mushrooms in a Cabernet sauce, YUM). After dinner, we decided on a whim to go see the new Mission Impossible movie, which was a totally unprecedented Christmas night activity, but still fun.

So I should've had a wonderful, cozy, happy day with my family but, for no real reason, I didn't. After dinner, I started falling apart and had to excuse myself to cry in the bathroom.

Being the logical control-freak that I am, I've tried to be rational and come up with possible explanations for my irrational emotions:

1) Hormones - it's that time of month when I get pseudo-PMS. My skin is usually pretty clear, but I've been breaking out lately. My tummy feels all crampy and yucky. My emotions change hourly without warning or reason, and I'm thinking that only wacky hormonal shifts could be responsible for such senseless moodiness.

2) Lack of exercise - I've been trying to turn this injury-turned-recovery-challenge into a positive, but the truth is that I'm really, really struggling. My original Achilles injury is getting better, but I somehow managed to aggravate the other foot, and even walking hurts. Plus, my old hip injury is acting up again, despite me doing zero physical activity in over six weeks. Seeing other people running outside makes my chest hurt because I miss it so much. It's giving me an identity crisis. My mom runs daily and comes home talking about how refreshed and exhilarated she feels after being in the sunshine. Meanwhile, I feel fat and lazy and gross.

3) Aside from the injuries, I've been having a lot of other health problems that I don't really wanna talk about on here, but they're stressing me out and making me scared of what my body will do next. I've seen three different doctors since being home, and I just want someone to prescribe me a pill that would cure everything all at once.

4) Being on vacation - This should make me happy and relieved, but I think that a lot of my emotions got suppressed when I was caught up in the stresses and busyness of school; since getting home, I've had a chance to sit with myself and feel some of the things I didn't have the time or energy to feel before. Like inadequacy. Ugliness. Fatness.

5) Starting therapy again - I alternate between feeling prepared for it and absolutely dreading it. Lots of the time, I feel like the ED is barely there; like the problem is just me. I'm ashamed of how terrible I feel, because my life is pretty perfect and there's no reason for me to be so unhappy. I'm ashamed of getting treatment for anorexia when I'm not thin, I'm not starving, and I'm not deprived of anything in this world that any person could ever reasonably want.

Ugh, I apologize for the rant that was this post. Blame the winter blahs. I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday and is looking forward to the new year.


  1. Hey there! Just wanted to extend a hug. Your blog brings back so many memories for me. I REALLY relate to what your describing. I don't know what exactly it is, but feeling like this seems to come with an eating disorder. I say this not just b/c I experienced this anxiety, depression, bouts of crying, feelings of ugliness and fatness, chest aches when you see other runners... but becasue I know so, so many women who I met in treatment who have also experienced those symptoms as well. If you were in a higher level of care and, therefore, go to know other girls with EDs, you would know a lot of people who are feeling the same way right now. It downright sucks and it feels so out of control, I know. My best advice is to keep on truckin' with recovery and eventually you'll feel less like an emotional time bomb. Promise. Keep feeling your feelings and eating your food and it'll suck but it'll be worth it. I PROMISE YOU.

  2. I wrote "your" but I meant "you're"

  3. I can relate, I suppose, that Christmas can be a bad time of year. As much as I love the 'spirit of Christmas' there's a lot of other stuff which builds up a lot of pressure. The only thing I can really say is just what Laura said above, to keep going, keep trying, keep existing, and things will get better. Remember that the holiday season doesn't last forever and most of the stresses will pass without any effort from you. Thinking of you hun xxx

  4. Laura - thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone in this. I can't tell you how much that helps! (It makes me even happier to see that you're a grammar snob like me! The worst are to/too/two mistakes, those drive me nuts!)

    Lucy - I think a big issue is that there's this unspoken pressure for everything to be happy and perfect over the holidays, so it seems even worse when it isn't. You're right, this will pass, just gotta hang in there.

    Thank you ladies for the support! Hope you are having nice holidays.