Anxiety Assessment

I had my follow-up appointment with the new psychiatrist last week. My first appointment with her was about a month ago, when she put me on Celexa again and added Klonopin for sleep. Anxiety has been MUCH improved since starting the medication, thank goodness. Haven't had any of those horrible panicky episodes (I wouldn't really call them full-blown panic attacks, but close) in weeks—and in October/November they were happening at least once or twice a day. I no longer have that constant nervous feeling in my gut, I'm no longer perpetually nauseated with dread, and I no longer burst into tears ten times a day because I'm so freaking AFRAID of...what? I don't even remember.

So that's all good. Dr. C, the new psychiatrist, had a resident working with her on the day of my appointment....and while I like Dr. C, I did not particularly appreciate being blindsided by that. Ugh I understand that new doctors need training and experience etc., and I understand there is a shortage of psychiatrists, and I'm very grateful that this person was going into the field....but I really dislike having to talk about things that are already hard to talk about TWICE within the space of twenty minutes. Dr. C came and got me from the waiting room, then as we were heading back to the office she asked if I minded meeting with the resident first. Given that we were basically standing outside the resident's office, it didn't feel like I could say no. So I said yes, spoke with the resident for ten minutes, resident went to report back to Dr. C, then I got called into Dr. C's office where I repeated everything I just said (and, presumably, that the resident had just repeated). As I said, UGH. Anyway, it wasn't the end of the world; just irritating. I told them how I was definitely doing better anxiety-wise than I had been, which was probably partly Celexa and partly just circumstance (end of semester, holidays, getting to spend stress-free time at home with Mama and Papa Bear). And I told her about how I had only used the Klonopin once or twice for sleep, and it seemed to work but I was nervous about taking it more often.

Upon some probing Dr. C got me to admit that yes, I do still get somewhat anxious and am anticipating an uptick with the start of the semester (the spring will be far crazier than the fall was). So she urged me to up the dose from 20 to 40mg, at which I of course balked because...I don't know why, just because. Weight gain. Other vague unknowable potential side effects. Not liking drugs. Weight gain. I DON'T KNOW. She assured me over and over again that Celexa does NOT cause weight gain, that there are plenty of psych meds that do cause weight gain but Celexa isn't one of them. Trying hard to trust her on that. (And maybe I really should because this morning, I worked up the courage to step on the scale and check my weight for the first time in a few months.... and whaddya know, I'm down about five pounds. Body, you are a never ending source of mystery and intrigue.)

ANYWAY, after some back and forth, Dr. C and I compromised on the dose—I'll go up to 30mg for a few weeks, then check back in once the semester has gotten going and we'll reassess from there. I feel okay with that for now, mostly because I feel much more okay about life in general, and am yet again blown away by the magical powers of medication. Argh yes fine you can all point and yell I TOLDJA SO. FINE.

I leave town for a conference tomorrow and am pretty impressed with how not stressed I am about it. This will be the first real conference for which I've had to actually travel, present a paper, schmooze with important people, etc. and so far I'm taking it in stride. But never fear: Klonopin has already been packed.

Seeking Advice on Dating As A Crazy Person

In case it wasn't obvious from my last few updates, I am totally smitten with this new guy. He is smart and interesting and sweet, he plays the piano, he can solve a Rubix Cube in sixty seconds flat, he's a great kisser, and he seems to think I'm not repulsive.

But sooner or later he's gotta learn that I'm insane, and I don't know when is the right time to fill him in. Or to what extent he needs to be filled in, you know? There's the anorexia, of course, but I'm not really anorexic anymore. I could probably "pass" as a normal picky-ish eater at this point. There's the anxiety, but that's relatively under control at the moment. So, do I need to tell him I take medication? That less than a month ago I would curl up on my bedroom floor every night sobbing uncontrollably because I was so afraid of...something? That every few months I am swallowed up by the most horrible waves of depression? That two-and-a-half years ago I overdosed on painkillers? That sometimes I hate myself so much I can't imagine letting anyone touch me or even come near me?

I don't know if this is an official "talk" that needs to happen, and whether it needs to happen before we have the talk about "us." Or is it something that's okay to keep to myself until we know each other better and get more comfortable sharing the deep, dark, icky stuff?

Now that I'm in it with this guy, I feel more—not less—insecure. I keep waiting for him to text me saying he changed his mind. I keep remembering how I broke up with the last guy I dated (with a phone call two days after we'd last hung out) and I can't imagine how horrible that must've made him feel, and almost can't believe I would be so hurtful. And suddenly I'm terrified of that happening to me.

Partial Recap

Wowza I didn't realize it had been almost a month since my last post. I never intended to drop off the map; blogging was just starting to feel like a chore, never felt like I had much to say, and once I got out of the habit... you know. So anyway, definitely can't recap every detail of the last month but I'll try to hit some of the main points.

I've been back on Celexa (20mg) for about 8ish weeks now and my oh my does this stuff work. One day I was a shivery, manic, irrational BASKET CASE and within two weeks of starting the med, I was basically back to my old (slightly less irrational) self. Ugh, it actually frustrates me how much it works, because I was half-hoping to have an excuse to stop taking it. I'm still nervous about the med causing weight gain, but for the time being I'm not willing to go back to being an anxious wreck. My new psychiatrist had also prescribed Klonopin at night to help regulate my sleep, but I was nervous about getting dependent on it so I rarely take it. My sleep was horrible for most of the fall, except for a week my mom came to stay with me in October, the week I went home for Thanksgiving, and the two weeks I went home for Christmas. So apparently I need my mother in the house to be able to sleep. Am I three? I told my mom this as further evidence that I need a dog to keep me company and she was like "Or you need a significant other and move in together." Uh....when your mother would prefer you shack up with a dude than get a pet.... #weird

Anyway. When I had finished up my semester, I flew to East Coast City (a few hours from where my parents live) to spend a couple days with a friend from high school, then we drove back to our parents' hometown where I spent the next two weeks hanging out with my parents, cooking with Mama Bear, annoying my brother, reading 5,234,945,765,789 books (seriously between my Kindle  and Barnes & Noble I probably spent $100 on books #priorities). Got back to College City just before New Years and have since been spending lots of time with The Boy...

So yeah, things are getting a little more serious, you could say :). For a few months we were just talking, getting to know each other, going out for coffees and drinks and dinners, both being kind of shy about how to move forward, and THEN we both got our brave on and...yeah. I've spent more nights with him than alone over the past week, and have been walking around in this weird floaty happy haze. I alternate between being ridiculously happy and horribly panicked that he will discover I am actually a fucking NUT, and I am torn between wanting to jump in headfirst and hold back to protect myself. Just in case.

All this has got my head in a weird place, obviously. Plus I'm stressed about all the work I need to get done before the semester starts. I'm going out of town next week for a conference, then classes start the day after I get back. Already missing winter break.

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, and that 2016 is off to a great start! Love to you all.

Hopeful Homestretch

Heading into my last week of the semester—who survived her first semester of PhD school? OH, JUST ME. It's been a rough, wacky, up-and-down few months but knockonwood things are looking up, I think. After waffling forever about whether or not to go back on meds, I finally cut the crap and got myself up to the full dose of Celexa (20mg, for me) and whaddya know within less than two weeks I feel almost like myself again. Haven't had one of those scary near-panic-attack anxiety episodes in a while, and generally feeling more even-keeled all around. If you guys recall, I got the Celexa prescription from a GP about six weeks ago to tide me over until I could get in to see the psychiatrist, but I was totally indecisive about whether or not to actually take it. She also gave me Ativan, which I've taken only two or three times and never noticed any difference. The psychiatrist today recommended I keep at it with the Celexa, and add Klonopin at night to deal with the epic insomnia. I liked the new psychiatrist a lot, and am feeling generally hopeful about this regimen for now. It's so weird to see a new mental health person now and have to explain, very genuinely, that I'm not here for the eating disorder. You know? They always want to harp on that, and I'm like calm down, I got this. Let's talk anxiety.

So, all in all feeling better. Unfortunately it seems that spending the past few months on in a state of near-constant panic seems to have taken a toll on my poor skin. My face is totally broken out and I feel straight-up horrible about myself. I'm embarrassed to see The Boy because I don't want him to think I'm a troll. C'mon God, acne should not be on my list of concerns at age 25. Cut a gal a break.

In other news, I am just about finished up with all my coursework. One presentation left tomorrow, but that's it. I am also starting to prep stuff for the class I'll be TAing in the spring....it involves running a lab for a stats class and not gonna lie, I feel vastly under-qualified.

On the plus side, I am no longer straight-up crazy, and I am excited to visit a friend of mine in Other Big City next week, then head home for Christmas. Sorry for the wildly inconsistent posting lately—it's been a weird few weeks. Hoping to be more on top of it in the future.

Much love to you all.

Surprises

Uh, does anyone else find this utterly unsurprising?

The surprising failure of calorie counts on menus

Back on the Map

Hi all—I really never intended to drop off the face of the earth. Just needed a break from blogging, then got out of the habit, and then more and more days passed....anyway, still here. My anxiety got really really bad a few weeks ago and my mom ended up coming out to College City to stay with me for a few days. That really stabilized my brain/moods/whatever's going on up there, and I've been relatively okay ever since. I did start back on my Celexa (still paranoid about side effects but willing to give it a go for now) and I have a bottle of Ativan, which I've taken only once or twice...to be honest, I haven't really noticed any effect, which probably means I need to up the dose (I have 0.5 mg pills). But like I said, things feel a bit more manageable and I haven't really needed it all that bad.

So, a rundown of some life updates:

My class schedule worked out such that I was able to take the whole week off for Thanksgiving, so I'm at my parents' house in Home City several states away from College City. I was set to fly out Saturday afternoon.... Two cancelled flights, two delays, one two-hour flight, one eight-minute layover and a nearly mile-long sprint through Big Southern International Airport (I made it to the gate JUST as they were closing the doors, whew), another two-hour flight, and an hour-long car ride later, I finally made it home at 2am. Yesterday was full of sleeping in and hanging out at home and reading and coffee and home-cooked food.

My first semester as a PhD student is almost over, believe it or not. I have two papers, one presentation, and a project but all except one of the papers are essentially done/almost done. I am hoping to get that last paper mostly wrapped up this week. My next big project will be prepping for my conference presentation in January—it's been so long since I ran the actual data that I need to do some serious refreshing.

So, the boy and I are not quite an official Thing just yet but I LIKE HIM A LOT and hope it moves in that direction. He's super shy/not a big texter, so cue the internal angst of is-he-just-not-into-texting-or-not-into-me and is-he-just-shy-or-is-he-ghosting-me. But every time we see each other in person, I am reassured that this is real and he likes spending time with me and things are good. He is actually in the process of making some Big Life Decisions (school- and career-wise) and it's nice to know that he wants to mull it over with me and get my input. Plus he is super sweet and cute and speaks two languages and likes How I Met Your Mother and Jimmy Fallon and he knows how to order beer and he's a bit of a science nerd and he likes to read and YOU GUYS HELP I'M TOTALLY SMITTEN.

I had two semi-serious relationships in college, and have dated only one guy (very casually/very briefly) since, but I don't know if I've ever felt this excited/apprehensive about a relationship...and I can't tell if that's a good sign, or just a byproduct of me being generally on edge about most things these days. But I like him and I get giddy to see him, and I want to tell everyone about him....but then I don't, because I don't want to talk about it and make it real if it's not going to last. Love is total trip, man.

So..I came to this coffee shop planning to work on my paper, and instead decided to spend an hour blogging. Gonna pretend to get something accomplished before heading home. Peace out everyone, very happy Thanksgiving if I don't check in again before Thursday.

Still Here

Sorry everyone for the radio silence. I'm still here, I'm alive, I have not driven myself off the insanity cliff just yet. I am doing much better than I was a couple of weeks ago, thanks to an endlessly patient and selfless Mama Bear, a few saintly friends, and some drugs. Just haven't been in much of a blogging mood, but I'll get there. Back to your regularly scheduled programming shortly. Much love to you all.