Saturday, September 12, 2015

Inexplicable Internal Strife

Sorry to be MIA, things are weird. And crazy. I feel generally better and more solid and okay than I did a week or so ago, and things are going well, but I just still feel like crying all the time. Sometimes there's a reason, like I feel lonely or fat or stressed, but more often than not it feels disconnected from any real external thing. Just random, inexplicable weepiness. Is this even depression? I don't really know.

Because really, things are okay. My social life has opened up in a lot of ways over the past couple of weeks; I went out with some new people on Thursday and had a really fun time. (Aside from the fact that I picked a fight with this fratty douche-bag with an ego problem. He started it by being obnoxious, and then I could not keep my mouth shut. Sue me.) Then last night a couple guys from my PhD cohort and I stopped for a beer at this neat little pub near my apartment. I used to go there all the time as an undergrad, but hadn't been in a while. It's nice to "rediscover" the city with newcomers, ya know? The plan was just a quick drink to unwind from a stressful week of classes, but we ended up having such a great conversation that we stayed for like three hours.

Today I've been working working working on stuff for my advisor, for which I am not getting payment or class credit but which I am doing anyway out of the goodness of my heart/I'll get my name on a publication eventually, but ugh. It is cramping my style because I have so much other stuff to do for my classes. My good friend L and I are meeting up either tonight or tomorrow for a "study sesh" which, inevitably, will turn into a gab fest, so I really need to get the bulk of my work done today.

So yeah, it's been this weird blend of being totally psyched about all the stuff I'm learning in school, then exhilarated by all the new peeps I'm meeting and fun stuff going on, then stressed by all the work and responsibilities, then overwhelmed by all the possibilities for my research and my career, then freaking exhausted, and the whole time I'm about three millimeters from bursting into tears.

- I'm going to a "watch party" for the GOP debate on Wednesday. Should be amazing. #Trump2016*
- There are two undergrads sitting across Starbucks from me right now taking selfies together. I feel old.
- Two weeks after getting my first stipend payment, I had to send the IRS a big fat check. It hurt.
- How much does Invisalign cost? My two front teeth are crooked and I am getting increasingly self-conscious about it. Anyone know?

Happy Saturday everyone, have an awesome weekend.

*Obviously I'm kidding....


  1. It's really great that you're branching out socially and making connections like that. I love those "just have a chat but end up having great convo for three hours" sessions; awesome.

    At the same time, starting a new program, working on a new project, starting new classes, meeting tons of new people, etc is a TON of stimulation in a lot of different ways. It makes sense that you're feeling strung out and a bit "roller coastery "in terms of mood. Things will settle down as the semester progresses, but hang in there, you are doing a FANTASTIC job and are a rock star in general. I know it's exhausting, though. Make sure you're keeping up with self-care and such too. PhDs are so long that that self-care is even more important than in an MS program, from what I've seen/been told/experienced. It is super important to prevent burnout, and pacing yourself and making sure to have work-life balance are crucial. Anyway not trying to lecture, the social connections and events and such you're doing are great ways to build a support network of course.

    I'm so happy you called out obnoxious ego guy; good for you!

  2. I'm so glad you've been taking all of these social opportunities and trying to banish the loneliness! I agree with Cammy, that the PhD is a marathon, not a sprint. Make sure to keep breathing, and to take just one thing at a time. It's okay if you don't know today what you want to do for your career. It's good to still be figuring things out. Let me know if I can help in any way! Take care and I hope you start to feel better soon!