Yikes it's been a while. This is partly because I'm super busy with school and partly because I am not feeling very articulate about non-school stuff. In short... it's been a rough, rough couple of weeks. I was just crying crying crying all the time. No particular/rational reason, just feeling really darn miserable. It's hard to explain how that feels, and really terrifying to feel unsafe in your own head. There are random things I'm frustrated or upset about, and obviously the start of school brought a whole new set of stressors, but really there was nothing external that should have made me so persistently sad. I know that's the nature of depression, but still. Anyway, it probably didn't help that, for various scheduling conflicts, I didn't see Dr. P for over a month. We had an appointment yesterday afternoon, by which point I was already inexplicably starting to feel a little better. There was a noticeable shift in my mood/mindset on Sunday or Monday, and now I feel pretty much back to baseline, knock on wood. Fingers and toes crossed things stay this way. Dr. P brought up, as she does every time something like this happens, the possibility of going back on an SSRI. I have this instinctive, knee-jerk aversion to it, even when it feels like maybe I should be on something. When I really stop and ask myself why I don't want to take a medication, honestly, it's because of a vague fear of weight gain. Seems irrational now that I type it out, but that's the truth.
Anyway, life stuff: I am totally snowed under with coursework and research, but the nice thing is how much more TIME I have this year. With my masters program, I was always running from one thing to the next - classes, labs, internships, job(s), meetings, etc. Now, I basically just have class and occasional meetings with my advisor J. The workload is definitely tough, but I've gotten into the swing of things and feel pretty solid in that regard. I adore my cohort - everyone is great and supportive and smart and I am just in nerd heaven. Maybe things will change once the goin' gets rough and people start getting super stressed and competitive and cranky, but for now we are a tight little group.
I am still having injury problems. The stress fracture is basically healed (or at least it feels 99% better) but it seems like I've picked up compensatory issues, or my ankles and feet have just gotten stiff/weak/out of whack or something. A few weeks ago I had severe pain my joint of my right big toe where I could barely walk; that slooooowly eased up, but now I've got a major issue with my left heel. Plantar fasciitis is about the only thing that comes up when I hit up Dr. Google but I don't know if it's that. It's been a few days (heel pain started Sunday) and is maybe feeling a teensy bit better so, stay tuned I guess. Ugh I am FRUSTRATED and I miss running. Heck, I miss walking.
Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment, class, then a meeting with J. Friday is meeting, class, drinks with a couple of dudes from school, and hopefully catching up on some Z's.
I'm really glad that you like your PhD program even though the initial workload can be overwhelming. I found that the first year was the worst in terms of proposal writing etc, and once you have a template proposal for your project you can adapt that to requirements for future uses (grant proposals etc), which saves a ton of time. Anyway I hope that the work stays manageable but I'm really glad the peer situation is good; that is some important.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about the injuries. I've had major plantar fascitis problems in the past; once it was so severe that I developed a heel spur (little chip of bone that pulls forward). Also, usually when I'm having a flare up the soft tissue is really sore around the sides of the bottom of my heel (hope that makes sense) in addition to that tendon running along the bottom of the foot. And it's usually a lot more sore when I first get up in the morning. Anyway, that's my experience with it. I have found that pretty much nothing helps PF for me except time off running, and I also think one type of elliptical we have at the gym here was making it worse because of the way it made my foot flex.
Anyhow, I know that having injury after injury is super frustrating and I really hope you're on the mend soon. Do you go back to hot physical therapist any time soon?
Also, I really hate that you were having a low mood period. There definitely doesn't have to be a reason, sometimes it just happens. You mentioned before that you used SSRIs more for anxiety than depression (or maybe that they just helped more with that?), have you and P talked about that? I am also uber-resistant to starting any new medication, so I understand your hesitation. You also deserve not to be miserable, though. There are a lot of hard choices to make when you're already feeling down, and I really hope things are looking up soon. Always text me if you're feeling low and need to talk.