Yikes it's been a while. This is partly because I'm super busy with school and partly because I am not feeling very articulate about non-school stuff. In short... it's been a rough, rough couple of weeks. I was just crying crying crying all the time. No particular/rational reason, just feeling really darn miserable. It's hard to explain how that feels, and really terrifying to feel unsafe in your own head. There are random things I'm frustrated or upset about, and obviously the start of school brought a whole new set of stressors, but really there was nothing external that should have made me so persistently sad. I know that's the nature of depression, but still. Anyway, it probably didn't help that, for various scheduling conflicts, I didn't see Dr. P for over a month. We had an appointment yesterday afternoon, by which point I was already inexplicably starting to feel a little better. There was a noticeable shift in my mood/mindset on Sunday or Monday, and now I feel pretty much back to baseline, knock on wood. Fingers and toes crossed things stay this way. Dr. P brought up, as she does every time something like this happens, the possibility of going back on an SSRI. I have this instinctive, knee-jerk aversion to it, even when it feels like maybe I should be on something. When I really stop and ask myself why I don't want to take a medication, honestly, it's because of a vague fear of weight gain. Seems irrational now that I type it out, but that's the truth.
Anyway, life stuff: I am totally snowed under with coursework and research, but the nice thing is how much more TIME I have this year. With my masters program, I was always running from one thing to the next - classes, labs, internships, job(s), meetings, etc. Now, I basically just have class and occasional meetings with my advisor J. The workload is definitely tough, but I've gotten into the swing of things and feel pretty solid in that regard. I adore my cohort - everyone is great and supportive and smart and I am just in nerd heaven. Maybe things will change once the goin' gets rough and people start getting super stressed and competitive and cranky, but for now we are a tight little group.
I am still having injury problems. The stress fracture is basically healed (or at least it feels 99% better) but it seems like I've picked up compensatory issues, or my ankles and feet have just gotten stiff/weak/out of whack or something. A few weeks ago I had severe pain my joint of my right big toe where I could barely walk; that slooooowly eased up, but now I've got a major issue with my left heel. Plantar fasciitis is about the only thing that comes up when I hit up Dr. Google but I don't know if it's that. It's been a few days (heel pain started Sunday) and is maybe feeling a teensy bit better so, stay tuned I guess. Ugh I am FRUSTRATED and I miss running. Heck, I miss walking.
Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment, class, then a meeting with J. Friday is meeting, class, drinks with a couple of dudes from school, and hopefully catching up on some Z's.