On Being a Man in the 21st Century

Oh hi Rob Lowe, I'm sorry you're feeling objectified. That must be really rough. So sorry. SO SO SORRY. Man, it's tough being a man in the world. #waronmen #quitwhininggirls

Rob Lowe on the objectification of men in Hollywood

I hate people.

Feeling grumpy tonight, can ya tell?

Strange Clickbait

I was just a-scrolling innocently through my Facebook feed today only to encounter this bit of gold/garbage (you decide):

Um. What the.....?

(Sorry for the awkward gray square in the corner—I was trying to cover up a potentially triggering inset photo.)

Who publishes this stuff??

Early Semester Check-In

Yikes it's been a while. This is partly because I'm super busy with school and partly because I am not feeling very articulate about non-school stuff. In short... it's been a rough, rough couple of weeks. I was just crying crying crying all the time. No particular/rational reason, just feeling really darn miserable. It's hard to explain how that feels, and really terrifying to feel unsafe in your own head. There are random things I'm frustrated or upset about, and obviously the start of school brought a whole new set of stressors, but really there was nothing external that should have made me so persistently sad. I know that's the nature of depression, but still. Anyway, it probably didn't help that, for various scheduling conflicts, I didn't see Dr. P for over a month. We had an appointment yesterday afternoon, by which point I was already inexplicably starting to feel a little better. There was a noticeable shift in my mood/mindset on Sunday or Monday, and now I feel pretty much back to baseline, knock on wood. Fingers and toes crossed things stay this way. Dr. P brought up, as she does every time something like this happens, the possibility of going back on an SSRI. I have this instinctive, knee-jerk aversion to it, even when it feels like maybe I should be on something. When I really stop and ask myself why I don't want to take a medication, honestly, it's because of a vague fear of weight gain. Seems irrational now that I type it out, but that's the truth.

Anyway, life stuff: I am totally snowed under with coursework and research, but the nice thing is how much more TIME I have this year. With my masters program, I was always running from one thing to the next - classes, labs, internships, job(s), meetings, etc. Now, I basically just have class and occasional meetings with my advisor J. The workload is definitely tough, but I've gotten into the swing of things and feel pretty solid in that regard. I adore my cohort - everyone is great and supportive and smart and I am just in nerd heaven. Maybe things will change once the goin' gets rough and people start getting super stressed and competitive and cranky, but for now we are a tight little group.

I am still having injury problems. The stress fracture is basically healed (or at least it feels 99% better) but it seems like I've picked up compensatory issues, or my ankles and feet have just gotten stiff/weak/out of whack or something. A few weeks ago I had severe pain my joint of my right big toe where I could barely walk; that slooooowly eased up, but now I've got a major issue with my left heel. Plantar fasciitis is about the only thing that comes up when I hit up Dr. Google but I don't know if it's that. It's been a few days (heel pain started Sunday) and is maybe feeling a teensy bit better so, stay tuned I guess. Ugh I am FRUSTRATED and I miss running. Heck, I miss walking.

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment, class, then a meeting with J. Friday is meeting, class, drinks with a couple of dudes from school, and hopefully catching up on some Z's.

Inexplicable Internal Strife

Sorry to be MIA, things are weird. And crazy. I feel generally better and more solid and okay than I did a week or so ago, and things are going well, but I just still feel like crying all the time. Sometimes there's a reason, like I feel lonely or fat or stressed, but more often than not it feels disconnected from any real external thing. Just random, inexplicable weepiness. Is this even depression? I don't really know.

Because really, things are okay. My social life has opened up in a lot of ways over the past couple of weeks; I went out with some new people on Thursday and had a really fun time. (Aside from the fact that I picked a fight with this fratty douche-bag with an ego problem. He started it by being obnoxious, and then I could not keep my mouth shut. Sue me.) Then last night a couple guys from my PhD cohort and I stopped for a beer at this neat little pub near my apartment. I used to go there all the time as an undergrad, but hadn't been in a while. It's nice to "rediscover" the city with newcomers, ya know? The plan was just a quick drink to unwind from a stressful week of classes, but we ended up having such a great conversation that we stayed for like three hours.

Today I've been working working working on stuff for my advisor, for which I am not getting payment or class credit but which I am doing anyway out of the goodness of my heart/I'll get my name on a publication eventually, but ugh. It is cramping my style because I have so much other stuff to do for my classes. My good friend L and I are meeting up either tonight or tomorrow for a "study sesh" which, inevitably, will turn into a gab fest, so I really need to get the bulk of my work done today.

So yeah, it's been this weird blend of being totally psyched about all the stuff I'm learning in school, then exhilarated by all the new peeps I'm meeting and fun stuff going on, then stressed by all the work and responsibilities, then overwhelmed by all the possibilities for my research and my career, then freaking exhausted, and the whole time I'm about three millimeters from bursting into tears.

Randoms:
- I'm going to a "watch party" for the GOP debate on Wednesday. Should be amazing. #Trump2016*
- There are two undergrads sitting across Starbucks from me right now taking selfies together. I feel old.
- Two weeks after getting my first stipend payment, I had to send the IRS a big fat check. It hurt.
- How much does Invisalign cost? My two front teeth are crooked and I am getting increasingly self-conscious about it. Anyone know?

Happy Saturday everyone, have an awesome weekend.

*Obviously I'm kidding....

On Feeling Alone

Life is just hard sometimes, man. I'm really missing my friends. It seems like every year more and more of them move away, and it gets harder and harder to make new ones. My friends have generally always come from classes, or just the general day-to-day of being in school. But now since the program is much smaller and I'm the youngest of my cohort by a few years, it just seems like no one is really in the same life stage as me; everyone goes home to their spouse/kids. I've never really done any clubs or student groups or anything, but I'm trying to get out there and meet some new peeps. I went to a graduate student event in a different part of the university the other night, and there's a happy hour one night next week. It was refreshing to meet people outside my department and I even met a guy but it's hard to say yet if any real friendships will materialize. It is not in my nature to be super forward about initiating relationships, but what have I got to lose, right? This TED talk makes me cry every time and I am trying so hard to live by this.

Isolation is death for me. Yes I am introverted and yes I need alone time and yes big crowds/wild parties/sloppy bars stress me out, but loneliness is worse. I can't handle it. I'm worried that the more I let myself isolate and bathe my brain in all the sad chemicals, the harder it'll be to pull myself out of an entrenched depression.

Mind Games

I am having a really rough few days. Usually the start of the school year gets me totally motivated and ready to go. But for some reason I just feel weepy and sad. Despite basically having made ten new friends in the past month, I feel desperately alone.

I don't know what's going on.