You guys are AMAZING. I don't know why I suddenly felt so alone and so desperate for some perspective, but this has helped tremendously. I have lots of thoughts about your many wonderful suggestions and inspiration and not a ton of time to get it all down, but I guess the main takeaways for me were:
1) Mixing it up - in food choices, exercise, routines, etc. to break out of those disordered "ruts"
2) Having a really strong support system, and actually using it
3) NO WEIGHING
4) Maybe I should get a dog
And ultimately, that this shit takes TIME. One of you (Hi E!) wrote: "I am still actively figuring all this out (despite having been weight-restored for >3 years!!!)" I know Laura worked with her dietitian for 8 years, and one reader e-mailed me that she started counting calories in elementary school (probably 20-ish years ago?), has been out of formal treatment for a few years now, and YET: "I am wholly un-disordered in my behaviors, but I have in the past weeks acutely missed being thin." It's scary how that statement can sound 100 percent nuts to me but somehow also make perfect sense.
I am feeling this weird combo of relief that I'm not alone/there is not something fundamentally fucked and un-recoverable about me, mixed with total deflation about the fact that there are so many of us smart, grown-up, insightful women fumbling through this.
Anyway. Still mulling it all over, but many many thanks to those who shared. Much love to you all.