Something I've been noticing lately is that I'm not as obsessed with my weight as much as usual. By that, I mean I'm not as OCD about the number on the scale. I still weigh myself ritualistically twice a day (not good, I KNOW), but it feels different. Less single-minded, or something. I used to obsess about the number to the tenth of a pound, and spend the rest of the day mulling over why it was up or down however much, why why why. It wasn't even about feeling "fat," really, because even Deranged Anorexic Kaylee knew that a tenth of a pound wasn't visible. It was more a numbers game. This sounds super cliche, but the number on the scale would literally define my day. Down a little? Praise Jesus. (And I ain't religious.) Up a little? Kill me now.
I still roll out of bed each morning and step on the scale without thinking twice. But when I see the number, I just sort of shrug it off and go on with my day. Seems like a good thing, right? I don't know. It doesn't really feel like recovery progress; more like apathy. I'm not any less rigid or obsessive about my eating habits and my body image still sucks, but I don't seem to get caught up in thoughts of but it was X yesterday, why is it X + 0.2 today???? as much as I used to. Not that I don't care about the number at all anymore - I definitely do. But the minor fluctuations aren't devastating anymore. I can't decide if this is just a random phase, an effect of the medication, or something else.
I actually noticed the same thing after a while, especially once I got above a certain weight. I think that restoring health really does help to ease a lot of those super anxious and rigid brain patterns. Not to say, of course, that it fixes everything or means that the ED thoughts aren't still very significant in some other aspects of daily life.
ReplyDeleteWhatever the cause, really glad that this is one less thing that you have to stress over. I hope that you're having a good week so far, take care.
<3
In theory, I'm a total believer about the whole "nutrition heals the brain" concept, even if it's hard to apply to real life. This does seem to be a positive reinforcer though, hopefully it sticks!
DeleteI remember feeling a little like this when I started my anti-anxiety medicine and it really kicked in. I just didn't care as much about the food or the weight. I still cared, but just not as much, it wouldn't drive me crazy. It was like I was on mute. I didn't like being on medication (I still am actually, and I still don't like it) but I'm grateful for it because it allows my mind to cool down :)
ReplyDeleteHave you started any medication recently? Could this be the cause?
So glad it's not stressing you out in a crazy way, whatever the reason :)
I actually did recently start an anti-anxiety medication, so I'm wondering if that could be contributing. I'm definitely WAY less anxious about non-food stuff, which is good, but I don't seem to be any less obsessive about food stuff. For example, I still compulsively count calories. Strange, right??
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