Something I've been noticing lately is that I'm not as obsessed with my weight as much as usual. By that, I mean I'm not as OCD about the number on the scale. I still weigh myself ritualistically twice a day (not good, I KNOW), but it feels different. Less single-minded, or something. I used to obsess about the number to the tenth of a pound, and spend the rest of the day mulling over why it was up or down however much, why why why. It wasn't even about feeling "fat," really, because even Deranged Anorexic Kaylee knew that a tenth of a pound wasn't visible. It was more a numbers game. This sounds super cliche, but the number on the scale would literally define my day. Down a little? Praise Jesus. (And I ain't religious.) Up a little? Kill me now.
I still roll out of bed each morning and step on the scale without thinking twice. But when I see the number, I just sort of shrug it off and go on with my day. Seems like a good thing, right? I don't know. It doesn't really feel like recovery progress; more like apathy. I'm not any less rigid or obsessive about my eating habits and my body image still sucks, but I don't seem to get caught up in thoughts of but it was X yesterday, why is it X + 0.2 today???? as much as I used to. Not that I don't care about the number at all anymore - I definitely do. But the minor fluctuations aren't devastating anymore. I can't decide if this is just a random phase, an effect of the medication, or something else.