Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Failing at Therapy

R wants me to gain weight so that we can move forward and talk about things other than food.

I want R to fix my brain first so that I feel okay with gaining weight.

Obviously, he's right and I'm sick. But the bottom line is: I don't feel capable of adding calories and gaining to the weight he wants. I just don't. At this point, my mind won't let me. I'd hate myself too much.

To clarify: my weight is NOT in a danger zone. It is lower than optimal, but not deathly (I swear!). So yes, I should gain the weight that R wants - or at least regain the weight I've lost since May - but it isn't a matter of life of death at the moment.

So it's hard for me to agree with R when he goes all alarmist on me about it. It's not that I'm not taking it seriously, it just doesn't seem like something that needs to be fixed right this second or else you won't make it through the semester. 

Right now, I just feel stuck. I'm not trying to intentionally antagonize R by being a stubborn little snot, but my brain is caught in a rut and the idea of changing up my meal plan with the goal of actually gaining weight is absolutely unfathomable. It's not that I don't think gaining weight is necessary - I do think it's necessary, to a certain extent. I want my period back. I don't want to be ruled by food rituals. I want to be able to eat in restaurants without freaking out before, during, and after. I want all of these things, but I just cannot see myself actually giving up what I have now. Which is, essentially, a pathological obsession with meaningless numbers.  Yay.

There was a moment in my appointment this morning when I actually thought R was going to fire me. He didn't, but did start pushing "more intense treatment." The options he laid out: 1) stick with what I'm doing by seeing R and J each once a week but actually follow the meal plan, 2) see R and J each twice a week, and have my mom come out for "support," 3) start going to group therapy in addition to seeing R and J, 4) start attending IOP in the center where R and J work, or 5) go home.

Obviously, I picked the first option. I basically told him IOP was NOT an option. Not interested. Not necessary, in my opinion, and not exactly feasible with my schedule. I know that health is the priority over school, but still.

So. I guess that's where things stand. I'm really going to try following the meal plan.  But if it were that easy, I would have done it already.


  1. Sounds like a pretty stressful session. I would be frustrated also, if he's not letting you talk about much besides food. Hang in there, and remember that gaining weight is one of those things that is way scarier before the fact than after.

    How do R. and J. have it split up, as far as handling food stuff? For example, most of the time my therapists have said they don't want to talk about food/numbers much and leave that to the dietitian. Are you getting consistent messages from both sides, do they both weigh you?

    I wish you weren't feeling so pressured. Hang in there and remember that they really must think this is in your best interests, and that it's worth a shot. I'm sure that they're not recommending an overweight target to you, as scary as higher numbers can seem. And boosting food intake can be HUGELY nerve-wracking, but remember that your body doesn't take anything lying down: your metabolism will probably kick up as you give it more to work with.

    I bet a big concern is that so often ED backsliding happens innocuously, without even conscious intent or sudden changes in pattern, and so they're putting a lot of effort into keeping you upwardly focused while you're getting settled into school. Total speculation, of course, but that's my hypothesis.

    Hang in there, you can do this!

  2. sorry for the stressful times right now :( i know recovery might seem impossible right now, but it will get better! keep your head up <3

  3. Thanks Cammy, J and R do definitely communicate (as in, they literally pass my file and have a quick conversation together when I have back-to-back appointments. Their offices are 2 feet apart). I get weighed by whoever sees me first. In general, J deals with the actual meal plan and R does mostly feelings and thought processes, but he definitely still asks about my eating. They are on the same page about the ultimate goal, and even though I KNOW it's not "overweight," it's just scary and seems too high. So I'm not completely sold on it yet.

    teenonamission, thanks so much for the support! So glad you're reading :)