To elaborate a bit on my most recent rant...
My dietician B was not pleased when I saw her on Thursday morning. She wanted me to go see M (main doctor who runs the treatment center) that day, so B called over (their offices are a few blocks apart) and was able to get me an appointment in the next half hour. I agreed to it mostly because I was so caught off guard and didn't exactly think fast enough to say no, even though it would make me extra late for work. Stress.
I went over to see M, who immediately took the gloves off and told me I am being uncooperative and sending red flags and that I need a plan A, B, and C because I am relapsing.
THEN in the middle of all this, if you can believe it, my therapist happened to call M's office (I'm not being sarcastic - this actually was a totally random coincidence. W was calling about a totally unrelated issue regarding another patient) and M said, "Hi W. Tell me about Kaylee." I sat there awkwardly while M listened and then she hung up and said, "W says that lately, you haven't looked well and you've been much more guarded in therapy."
Basically, M's theory is that I am super anxious about school and have begun sabotaging my own recovery in some subconscious last-minute cry for help. Is she right on some level? Probably. She has more years of experience with anorexia than I do. On the other hand, I really resented the fact that she seemed to be implying that I was being deliberately uncooperative and purposely rejecting any help.
1. My weight is down - thus, I must be restricting and lying about it
2. I refuse to take anti-depressants
3. I have been "guarded" in therapy
1. I have never once lied to B about my intake and I have never once gamed the scale (i.e. waterloading, bulking up with clothes/jewelry/heavy belts etc)
2. I was on an anti-depressant earlier this year and hated it
3. My weight is not that low
But M just wouldn't listen to me. All she said was: "You sound so anorexic you can't even hear yourself."
M is pushing for me to do some type of day program in the time I have left before the end of summer (which won't happen for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is financial) because she feels like something drastic needs to happen now or I won't be able to go back to school.
I said, "I haven't slipped that badly and so I don't think that not going back to school should even be an option."
She said: "Kaylee, going back to school is most definitely in jeopardy."
And honestly, that just made me mad. Because I have been nothing but compliant throughout this entire process and I have done every single thing that was asked of me. So why can't I be spoken to like an adult who is willing and able to participate in her own recovery?
Of course, I didn't say any of this out loud. Instead, I started to cry.
At the risk of sounding like a snot, I was most frustrated by the fact that she just wouldn't listen. M insisted over and over again that I am "sending strong messages" and "waving red flags" and why would I be doing that if I "really wanted to go back to school?" When I tried to explain that I am totally motivated and am actually doing much better, all she said was: "That's the anorexia talking."
By the end, it seemed like we weren't really getting anywhere because I was too busy being angry and upset and trying to hide it. M wants me to come back on Monday with my mom for another discussion. Honestly, I am just so fed up that I feel like nothing will be accomplished and I'm absolutely dreading another confrontation.