Saturday, August 6, 2011

More of the Story

To elaborate a bit on my most recent rant...

My dietician B was not pleased when I saw her on Thursday morning.  She wanted me to go see M (main doctor who runs the treatment center) that day, so B called over (their offices are a few blocks apart) and was able to get me an appointment in the next half hour.  I agreed to it mostly because I was so caught off guard and didn't exactly think fast enough to say no, even though it would make me extra late for work.  Stress.

I went over to see M, who immediately took the gloves off and told me I am being uncooperative and sending red flags and that I need a plan A, B, and C because I am relapsing.

THEN in the middle of all this, if you can believe it, my therapist happened to call M's office (I'm not being sarcastic - this actually was a totally random coincidence.  W was calling about a totally unrelated issue regarding another patient) and M said, "Hi W.  Tell me about Kaylee."  I sat there awkwardly while M listened and then she hung up and said, "W says that lately, you haven't looked well and you've been much more guarded in therapy."

Basically, M's theory is that I am super anxious about school and have begun sabotaging my own recovery in some subconscious last-minute cry for help.  Is she right on some level?  Probably.  She has more years of experience with anorexia than I do.  On the other hand, I really resented the fact that she seemed to be implying that I was being deliberately uncooperative and purposely rejecting any help.

M's reasoning:
1. My weight is down - thus, I must be restricting and lying about it
2. I refuse to take anti-depressants
3. I have been "guarded" in therapy

My reasoning:
1. I have never once lied to B about my intake and I have never once gamed the scale (i.e. waterloading, bulking up with clothes/jewelry/heavy belts etc)
2. I was on an anti-depressant earlier this year and hated it
3. My weight is not that low

But M just wouldn't listen to me.  All she said was: "You sound so anorexic you can't even hear yourself."

M is pushing for me to do some type of day program in the time I have left before the end of summer (which won't happen for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is financial) because she feels like something drastic needs to happen now or I won't be able to go back to school. 

I said, "I haven't slipped that badly and so I don't think that not going back to school should even be an option."

She said: "Kaylee, going back to school is most definitely in jeopardy."

And honestly, that just made me mad.  Because I have been nothing but compliant throughout this entire process and I have done every single thing that was asked of me.  So why can't I be spoken to like an adult who is willing and able to participate in her own recovery?

Of course, I didn't say any of this out loud.  Instead, I started to cry.

At the risk of sounding like a snot, I was most frustrated by the fact that she just wouldn't listen.  M insisted over and over again that I am "sending strong messages" and "waving red flags" and why would I be doing that if I "really wanted to go back to school?" When I tried to explain that I am totally motivated and am actually doing much better, all she said was: "That's the anorexia talking."

By the end, it seemed like we weren't really getting anywhere because I was too busy being angry and upset and trying to hide it.  M wants me to come back on Monday with my mom for another discussion.  Honestly, I am just so fed up that I feel like nothing will be accomplished and I'm absolutely dreading another confrontation.


  1. Hmmm, well all of that sounds pretty damn stressful. I can see why your team is concerned, but it's frustrating to feel like you're being ganged up on and then not listened to. I hope the session with your mom today is more productive and less upsetting.

    If you are backsliding, it's important to address that, of course. But I can see how it's infuriating when people tell you what your own motivations are. I can tell you *really* want to be back in school, although the stress of transition can make it more important to stay conscientious about recovery, even if heading back is something you really want for yourself. Hang in there and keep your head high through this. Your team may be making things hard on you right now, but they ultimately do have your best interests in mind. Not to say that even professionals always handle everything perfectly. What was the plan for when you go off to school, do you have treatment options in the new city picked out, plans to continue with old team via phone/email, etc?

    Sorry to hear it's such a stressful period, keep swimming, you're worth it.

  2. I actually think that you should print off some portions of this and show it to them! They say you aren't showing how you feel--well, you are--it's just not in the therapy session, but here instead! Your voice deserves to be listened to, and it may be really helpful for you to not have to VERBALIZE the feelings but to write them out and either read them out loud to, email them, or share them in person with your therapist/dietician. Maybe a conference call since they are so into talking on the phone, haha.

    I personally hope you can go back to school but as I've shared with you before, I think YOU need to know that you're ready and believe it and be willing to act like it's true. Part of that, honestly, is showing that you can advocate for yourself and saying how you really feel. They may be testing you right now to see if you're ready to do that, because if you're not, you really shouldn't be going back to school. I mean that with love and hope it doesn't come across harshly--it's just that I want you to be ready, too. If you can advocate for yourself, it means you can successfully communicate what you need from others so you can do well when you're on your own--and that is a really important skill to have before you go out there. I know you will be ready to do this at some point and may be ready now, but I wouldn't feel comfortable sending you to school either until I was convinced (if I was your treatment team.) Do you think you can start taking some steps to show them that you're ready?

  3. not harsh at all Sarah - you are completely right and I know that I need to take a hard look at how things are going before I throw myself into another stressful semester. I should probably do a whole post on this, but something I definitely need to work on is being more vocal when I'm pissed, because my tendency is to internalize and stew angrily and let it come out in a passive, self-destructive (ahem starving) way.

    thanks as always for your support! you guys are too nice