I had my last session with W today, which was kind of sad but not tragic. I really do like her and I think we were just starting to make some progress (considering it took me about six months to fully warm up to her). It's frustrating to have to start all over with someone new in College City, but I really prefer the idea of seeing someone in person rather than staying with W via phone sessions. Actually, W was the one who said that was probably a better plan, since she thinks I "give away more with body language" than I do with words. Huh. Not sure how to take that. Maybe she just needed an excuse to get rid of me.
I wish I could report having an earth-shattering therapeutic breakthrough in honor of our last session, but no such luck - just some rehashing and wrapping up old stuff. W asked me what some of my longterm recovery goals are, and I came up with: A) less rigidity with food/exercise/timing and B) less obsessing about my weight, e.g. not letting an upward fluctuation derail my entire day or a downward dip put me on cloud nine.
Then W added C) be more open with people about my feelings because according to her, I don't like looking vulnerable. To which I say, who does? But okay, she has a Ph.D. so, I'll try.
Looking forward, I am sort of interested to see how a new therapist operates, and to compare her approach with W's (oh, and also to recover from anorexia). But honestly, I'm feeling a bit ambivalent about therapy in general. It has been over eight months and I'm starting to wonder what, if anything, has changed. My weight went up, then went back down a bit. I started taking a drug, then stopped. I've been seeing W every week and opening up even when it's hard and uncomfortable - but not many of my thought processes have changed at all and this does not make sense to me. Shouldn't I be cured me by now? Why do I still count calories obsessively and work out X minutes a day, every day?
It's just so frustrating to find my head in the exact same place it was six months ago, eight months ago, a year ago. Thousands of my parents' dollars have been sunk into this treatment thing and I'm still clinging to my same old rituals and anxieties. Tell me, W, why am I still like this?
Hopefully this lapse in motivation is just end-of-summer introspection gone wrong. I am not under any illusions that I can or should get by without therapy, and I'm completely committed to starting with someone in College City as soon as I can set it up. It just would be nice to have something to show for my past eight months, aside from a few extra pounds and frustration through the roof.