Today I had my first appointment with the new therapist. I didn't realize I was so anxious about it until yesterday/this morning when my stomach started doing these nervous rumblings and I couldn't sit still for more than two minutes at a time. Homework did not get done.
I think I was just uneasy about jumping back into treatment after being able to sort of pretend to forget about it for a couple of weeks. Like I got a little honeymoon period without all the therapy and weigh-ins and meal plans, which made recovery - and the ED - seem less real.
I was worried about the therapist being male, and that it would just be too weird to talk to him. Was I supposed to bring up my period? Would he bring it up? Ew. I was worried about getting weighed - I wasn't sure it would happed, but figured it was a distinct possibility. So I worried that my weight would be too low and the therapist would think I was restricting. And I worried that my weight would be too high and he would think I didn't need treatment. I also worried about having to explain my ED history - how the hell do you condense something like that? And how do you phrase it without sounding stupid and dramatic? Worryworryworry.
Long story short, I survived and the therapist - let's call him R - was super nice. I was uncomfortable at the beginning, but I really think it had more to do with me being uncomfortable about therapy in general than it did with R being male. He was really easy to talk to, even though he made a me squirm a couple of times. But the squirming was because he was challenging me and trying to make me articulate my recovery goals and some disordered patterns I still have. So I think it was good for me.
Basically I felt like he understood me without too much trouble, and was able to recognize pretty quickly where I am in recovery. I signed a release for him to talk to W, my therapist from home, which will hopefully save us some rehashing of stuff I've already gone over in therapy before.
He did weigh me. At first he wanted to do it backwards, which caught me off-guard because B never did blind weights. After hearing that I'd known my weight all along, R left it up to me. So I said that I would rather see my weight, and that I probably already knew what it would be anyway. Then he asked what I thought my weight was, and my guess was correct within a pound (i.e. I weighed one pound less on his scale than I had predicted).
I was pretty (irrationally) self-conscious about my weight, and nervous that R would say I was too fat for therapy and he wouldn't want to waste his time on me. Obviously this did not happen. He started off by saying, "I don't think you need to lose weight." Okay, well, duh. I guess I didn't really expect him to tell the anorexic to lose weight. But then he said he would like me to regain some of the weight I'd lost over the summer, and asked whether I would be willing to do that. This was one of the points at which I squirmed. But never fear - I did agree to gain the weight. Still squirming though.
As for seeing a dietician - R said it probably wouldn't be completely necessary every single week, which is fine with me. Been there, done that. And I'm already kind of an expert on calories. However, R and I both agreed it would be helpful to at least check in with the RD there at least every few weeks. I tend to lose perspective on what "normal" eating and "normal" calorie amounts are, so hopefully an RD will be able to keep me on track.
So I think this was a positive development. I'm not thrilled about being back in therapy and I wish it weren't necessary, but I'm open to it. And at least the guy's nice.
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
What I Needed to Hear
My ED doctor, M, has pissed me off on more than one occasion - mostly because she is really blunt and sees right through my bullshit ("It's not my fault I lost weight I couldn't eat because.... blah blah blah"). Appointments with her are No Fun. There was the appointment in December when she told me I had to quit working out because I wasn't "heart safe," thus launching my ongoing fear of having a heart attack. There was the appointment in January with my parents when she told them I needed to take a medical leave from school because of my low weight and heart rate and bone density lalalala. Then the time two weeks ago when she made me cry.
I always dread seeing M because she usually makes me feel cornered and mad. Since she is The Boss of my treatment team, her perception of me really really matters. I try so hard to be clear-headed and articulate and composed with her, but feeling trapped like that makes me clam up.
My appointment today was different. M listened, instead of interrupting me for sounding "too anorexic." Or something. When I told her for the millionth time that I don't want to take medication, she just nodded and dropped it. When I talked about how I want to proceed with therapy at school (start seeing a new therapist vs. phone sessions with W), she smiled and said, "I just love it when you speak up for yourself!"
Then, as I was leaving, M stopped me and said simply, "You can do this."
And that, when all was said and done, was what I most needed to hear. Sometimes it seems like everyone has been so eager to set up "relapse prevention" strategies that no one - not even me - has stopped to think about what would happen if I didn't relapse. What if I turn out fine?
I needed to hear that relapse isn't necessarily expected of me. That it's not even an option. I don't want to go back to college planning to fail. Yes, I want to be prepared, but not all doom and gloom about it. I want to go back to be in school, not just to be not anorexic, if that makes sense. Hearing M say "You can do this" made me realize that someday, recovery will be over and it will all be worth it. It reminded me that recovery isn't supposed to be the power struggle that it has felt like lately, with everyone drawing lines in the sand and refusing to budge.
You MUST take meds.
You MUST gain to X pounds.
No, I will NOT.
Recovery isn't punishment, even though it can feel that way. Everyone is in it to help me, as hard as that sometimes is to believe. Dear Kaylee: Open your eyes. Don't ever for a second forget how good you have it. That's all.
Until I see M next week for one last appointment, my job is (according to her): "Calories."
I always dread seeing M because she usually makes me feel cornered and mad. Since she is The Boss of my treatment team, her perception of me really really matters. I try so hard to be clear-headed and articulate and composed with her, but feeling trapped like that makes me clam up.
My appointment today was different. M listened, instead of interrupting me for sounding "too anorexic." Or something. When I told her for the millionth time that I don't want to take medication, she just nodded and dropped it. When I talked about how I want to proceed with therapy at school (start seeing a new therapist vs. phone sessions with W), she smiled and said, "I just love it when you speak up for yourself!"
Then, as I was leaving, M stopped me and said simply, "You can do this."
And that, when all was said and done, was what I most needed to hear. Sometimes it seems like everyone has been so eager to set up "relapse prevention" strategies that no one - not even me - has stopped to think about what would happen if I didn't relapse. What if I turn out fine?
I needed to hear that relapse isn't necessarily expected of me. That it's not even an option. I don't want to go back to college planning to fail. Yes, I want to be prepared, but not all doom and gloom about it. I want to go back to be in school, not just to be not anorexic, if that makes sense. Hearing M say "You can do this" made me realize that someday, recovery will be over and it will all be worth it. It reminded me that recovery isn't supposed to be the power struggle that it has felt like lately, with everyone drawing lines in the sand and refusing to budge.
You MUST take meds.
You MUST gain to X pounds.
No, I will NOT.
Recovery isn't punishment, even though it can feel that way. Everyone is in it to help me, as hard as that sometimes is to believe. Dear Kaylee: Open your eyes. Don't ever for a second forget how good you have it. That's all.
Until I see M next week for one last appointment, my job is (according to her): "Calories."
Saturday, July 23, 2011
The Team
I have mentioned some random appointments, but I don't think I've really talked much about my treatment team on here yet. I see a therapist and a dietician every week, am pretty happy with both, I guess, though I don't really have any basis for comparison.
I had mixed feelings about my therapist, W, at first. I had never been in therapy before this past January, so I didn't really know what to expect. I discovered early on that the whole therapy thing made me really uncomfortable. It is definitely NOT in my nature to vent (or talk at all) to strangers, and it sort of eluded me that the whole point of this therapy thing was to be honest and forthcoming so that she could understand my mindset and therefore actually help me. So I spent the first several sessions being polite and shy and not exactly seeing the point of it all.
It took me a while to realize that the question "How are you?" is different coming from a therapist than it is from someone in the grocery store. Your therapist doesn't want to hear: "Good! Great! Weather sucks, doesn't it? How are you?" Your therapist is asking how you really are. She is looking for the answer you can't give anyone else because it would be weird and awkward to say to a neighbor in passing that you actually feel shitty because you think might have measured your cereal wrong that morning.
Once I realized that therapy doesn't exactly work if you aren't honest, my sessions with W became much more productive. I'm still not totally comfortable baring my soul in therapy, but I'm coming around. One big issue I still have is that W usually has to bring things up before I will talk about them - meaning that if something is bothering me, I won't mention it explicitly and W has to be a detective and figure it out. Yes, I realize this is completely inefficient and wastes time and my parents' money. I KNOW.
I am also bad about mentioning anything that was bothering me earlier in the week but no longer seems relevant. For example, if I spent Monday-Thursday intensely hating life/my body/the world and bursting into tears every ten minutes and skipping snacks because I felt fat, I probably wouldn't mention it at my appointment the following Saturday because now it all seems stupid and I don't want W to think I'm a nutcase. Yes, I really do worry about this.
I warmed up to my dietician, B, a lot quicker. Personality-wise, she's a little more easy-going and friendly than W. I also just found it much easier to talk about food and calories than about feelings. At first, I thought regular appointments with a dietician would be pointless because weight gain is, after all, not exactly rocket science. I can add up calories like it's my job, so I didn't really get why I had to see B weekly.
Actually, B is awesome and does much much more than hand me a meal plan and send me on my way. She definitely takes the time to talk through my thought processes about food and exercise, and sets me up with a plan that is both healthy and comfortable for me. When I freak out about my weight, she is good at talking me down and helping me keep things in perspective a bit. The downside to seeing B is that she weighs me, and I get extremely anxious for a few of days leading up to it. Not going to lie, my eating the day before an appointment is always less than optimal. Not horrendous, but definitely not what it should be.
W and B don't really communicate about me (as far as I know), but they often have overlapping ideas - eating in restaurants, eating more variety, cutting exercise, to name a few. In general, B offers a lot of practical ideas and assignments whereas W tends to be more vague and cerebral. I used to think B was much more helpful to me on a day-to-day basis - mostly because I HAD to eat every day but I didn't necessarily have to mull over the inner workings of my brain. Lately, though, I am finding my sessions with W to be really useful and her advice has been sticking with me all week after I see her. I don't know if this is a result of my brain being better-nourished and more receptive to therapy or if I am just learning how to be a better therapy patient (probably a combination of the two),
Anyway...I've been thinking about this a lot lately because when I go back to school in about a month (!!!) I will probably have phone sessions with W but not with B. I'm not sure how I feel about this...I really like W, but she doesn't challenge me in the same concrete ways (e.g. bring a different kind of sandwich for lunch every day or try a new restaurant). And even though I hate it, getting weighed by B and going over my food/exercise plan in person every week has been really important in terms of keeping me accountable, and I don't entirely trust myself to keep it up on my own. I will probably still get weighed periodically somewhere, but I really like and trust B and I hate the idea of starting over with someone else.
So, therapy tomorrow. Goals are to tell W about: 1) losing weight a few weeks in a row; 2) not sleeping well; and 3) my worries about school.
I had mixed feelings about my therapist, W, at first. I had never been in therapy before this past January, so I didn't really know what to expect. I discovered early on that the whole therapy thing made me really uncomfortable. It is definitely NOT in my nature to vent (or talk at all) to strangers, and it sort of eluded me that the whole point of this therapy thing was to be honest and forthcoming so that she could understand my mindset and therefore actually help me. So I spent the first several sessions being polite and shy and not exactly seeing the point of it all.
It took me a while to realize that the question "How are you?" is different coming from a therapist than it is from someone in the grocery store. Your therapist doesn't want to hear: "Good! Great! Weather sucks, doesn't it? How are you?" Your therapist is asking how you really are. She is looking for the answer you can't give anyone else because it would be weird and awkward to say to a neighbor in passing that you actually feel shitty because you think might have measured your cereal wrong that morning.
Once I realized that therapy doesn't exactly work if you aren't honest, my sessions with W became much more productive. I'm still not totally comfortable baring my soul in therapy, but I'm coming around. One big issue I still have is that W usually has to bring things up before I will talk about them - meaning that if something is bothering me, I won't mention it explicitly and W has to be a detective and figure it out. Yes, I realize this is completely inefficient and wastes time and my parents' money. I KNOW.
I am also bad about mentioning anything that was bothering me earlier in the week but no longer seems relevant. For example, if I spent Monday-Thursday intensely hating life/my body/the world and bursting into tears every ten minutes and skipping snacks because I felt fat, I probably wouldn't mention it at my appointment the following Saturday because now it all seems stupid and I don't want W to think I'm a nutcase. Yes, I really do worry about this.
I warmed up to my dietician, B, a lot quicker. Personality-wise, she's a little more easy-going and friendly than W. I also just found it much easier to talk about food and calories than about feelings. At first, I thought regular appointments with a dietician would be pointless because weight gain is, after all, not exactly rocket science. I can add up calories like it's my job, so I didn't really get why I had to see B weekly.
Actually, B is awesome and does much much more than hand me a meal plan and send me on my way. She definitely takes the time to talk through my thought processes about food and exercise, and sets me up with a plan that is both healthy and comfortable for me. When I freak out about my weight, she is good at talking me down and helping me keep things in perspective a bit. The downside to seeing B is that she weighs me, and I get extremely anxious for a few of days leading up to it. Not going to lie, my eating the day before an appointment is always less than optimal. Not horrendous, but definitely not what it should be.
W and B don't really communicate about me (as far as I know), but they often have overlapping ideas - eating in restaurants, eating more variety, cutting exercise, to name a few. In general, B offers a lot of practical ideas and assignments whereas W tends to be more vague and cerebral. I used to think B was much more helpful to me on a day-to-day basis - mostly because I HAD to eat every day but I didn't necessarily have to mull over the inner workings of my brain. Lately, though, I am finding my sessions with W to be really useful and her advice has been sticking with me all week after I see her. I don't know if this is a result of my brain being better-nourished and more receptive to therapy or if I am just learning how to be a better therapy patient (probably a combination of the two),
Anyway...I've been thinking about this a lot lately because when I go back to school in about a month (!!!) I will probably have phone sessions with W but not with B. I'm not sure how I feel about this...I really like W, but she doesn't challenge me in the same concrete ways (e.g. bring a different kind of sandwich for lunch every day or try a new restaurant). And even though I hate it, getting weighed by B and going over my food/exercise plan in person every week has been really important in terms of keeping me accountable, and I don't entirely trust myself to keep it up on my own. I will probably still get weighed periodically somewhere, but I really like and trust B and I hate the idea of starting over with someone else.
So, therapy tomorrow. Goals are to tell W about: 1) losing weight a few weeks in a row; 2) not sleeping well; and 3) my worries about school.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
What I Want
First of all, thank you so much for the sweet comments on my last post. It really means a lot to me that people read all the way through my sloppy ramblings, and even take time to reach out and be supportive. Just from that alone, my outlook is hugely improved. I tend to get so wrapped up in my own crummy moods that I forget there are a ton of awesome, smart, caring people out there and I am not totally alone in this.
ANYWAY....I hope I didn't scare anyone away with my weepy whiny update. I have been taking steps to turn this around and be proactive instead of letting it turn into a full-blown relapse just because I am too tired to care. Already, things seem way less overwhelming and out of control
I feel like I'm sort of at a crossroads in terms of recovery. I have definitely been slipping back into my old anorexic way of thinking, but I've also had a glimpse of what health feels like over the past few months and I'm not so eager to give that up. My mind is majorly conflicted.
Part of the problem is that I have always viewed recovery as giving up parts of my life. Recovery is: Not starving. Not working out excessively. Not being Anorexic. The extra weight on my body feels like a loss instead of a gain; I have lost being sick, lost my ability to skip meals, and lost my identity as the thinnest person in the room.
Now, I am finding it helpful to focus on what I want out of recovery. My disordered thoughts have been around for so many years that it feels strange to imagine living without them, but I've been trying to reframe recovery in terms of what I want to have, not what I am giving up.
Here are some things I've come up with - things that I want from life as a recovered person, rather than things I can never have because my fear of letting the anorexia go trumps all of it:
1. Saying YES to invitations without worrying about whether food will be involved.
2. Saying NO to invitations because I have better plans (or just want alone time), not because I am trying to avoid dinner out.
3. Using alone time to kick back and chill out, NOT to fit in an extra gym session or skip dinner or mope over the suckfest that is my life.
4. Being able to drink more than one shot before falling over (I kid...sort of. Empty stomach + low body weight = extremely low alcohol tolerance).
5. Having a closet filled with clothes in one size that consistently fit from week to week. Not discovering that my favorite jeans are too tight because I bought them X pounds ago when I was bony and unhealthy and have since porked up from re-feeding but still refuse to throw the jeans out. Not discovering that a cute dress now looks baggy and stupid because I haven't been sticking to the meal plan and am fast approaching bony and unhealthy once again.
6. Running because it feels good and I can. Skipping the run when sleeping late sounds better.
7. Eating when I am hungry.
8. Eating lunch at 11:30 if I want, even though Lunch Time isn't until 1:00.
9. Eating a snack at 2:00 even though Snack Time isn't until 4:00 and it's been less than three hours since I last ate (can you tell that my food schedule is a little rigid?)
10. Not having a food schedule.
ANYWAY....I hope I didn't scare anyone away with my weepy whiny update. I have been taking steps to turn this around and be proactive instead of letting it turn into a full-blown relapse just because I am too tired to care. Already, things seem way less overwhelming and out of control
I feel like I'm sort of at a crossroads in terms of recovery. I have definitely been slipping back into my old anorexic way of thinking, but I've also had a glimpse of what health feels like over the past few months and I'm not so eager to give that up. My mind is majorly conflicted.
Part of the problem is that I have always viewed recovery as giving up parts of my life. Recovery is: Not starving. Not working out excessively. Not being Anorexic. The extra weight on my body feels like a loss instead of a gain; I have lost being sick, lost my ability to skip meals, and lost my identity as the thinnest person in the room.
Now, I am finding it helpful to focus on what I want out of recovery. My disordered thoughts have been around for so many years that it feels strange to imagine living without them, but I've been trying to reframe recovery in terms of what I want to have, not what I am giving up.
Here are some things I've come up with - things that I want from life as a recovered person, rather than things I can never have because my fear of letting the anorexia go trumps all of it:
1. Saying YES to invitations without worrying about whether food will be involved.
2. Saying NO to invitations because I have better plans (or just want alone time), not because I am trying to avoid dinner out.
3. Using alone time to kick back and chill out, NOT to fit in an extra gym session or skip dinner or mope over the suckfest that is my life.
4. Being able to drink more than one shot before falling over (I kid...sort of. Empty stomach + low body weight = extremely low alcohol tolerance).
5. Having a closet filled with clothes in one size that consistently fit from week to week. Not discovering that my favorite jeans are too tight because I bought them X pounds ago when I was bony and unhealthy and have since porked up from re-feeding but still refuse to throw the jeans out. Not discovering that a cute dress now looks baggy and stupid because I haven't been sticking to the meal plan and am fast approaching bony and unhealthy once again.
6. Running because it feels good and I can. Skipping the run when sleeping late sounds better.
7. Eating when I am hungry.
8. Eating lunch at 11:30 if I want, even though Lunch Time isn't until 1:00.
9. Eating a snack at 2:00 even though Snack Time isn't until 4:00 and it's been less than three hours since I last ate (can you tell that my food schedule is a little rigid?)
10. Not having a food schedule.
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