Saturday, May 24, 2014

Pitch Black

I have been trying to post but really have nothing to say other than that I am seriously and profoundly depressed. This isn't even anxiety, which is more commonly an issue for me; this is pure depression. Like sitting in a pitch-black room with no way out. I don't know what happened, exactly, although it seems like there are a lot of potential triggers that have converged to plunge me headfirst in dark and horrible place. Most of the time I have no appetite, feel sick to my stomach, and am totally exhausted. I pretty much hold back tears all day long, and then once I get home I cry and cry. I am crying right now, in fact, and couldn't even exactly tell you why.

The nerve pain is definitely a factor, to a certain extent. I think it may have been the trigger that shifted my mindset from I am comfortable and safe and okay to Nothing is okay, something is seriously wrong with me, and I can never get away from it. And that morphed into fears of being alone forever, because I am a terrible cranky mean person when I am in pain, and who wants to be around someone like that? Plus I cannot exercise, so I feel fat and antsy and irritable. PLUS my schedule has changed dramatically so that I have much less contact with friends and much more time alone in an office. So I am lonely and frustrated and bored and terribly terribly sad.

Something else to consider is that I tapered down my Celexa dose from 20mg to 10mg about a month ago, which I didn't think would have such a huge effect but maybe that is contributing. I was really looking forward to not needing meds, and really thought I could do it, but maybe I just can't. It scares me how fast I've fallen, and how hard it is to remember what happiness felt like. Haven't decided yet, but I may bump my dose back up soon. This spell has come on so quickly and so overwhelmingly that it almost feels chemical, like something in my brain has shifted causing changes above and beyond the effects of any external factors.

I made an appointment with my College City gyn last week, but cancelled because I had my period. Now I have to wait another three weeks to see him. He isn't a pain expert, but he is a good doctor and I want to discuss what's happening to me hormonally and what the fuck I can do about it. I truly believe that my hormones are still out of whack and are causing many of the problems I'm having, from the uptick in pain to the acne to the depression and exhaustion. I am trying so hard to make myself understand this, and to believe it, and to convince myself that this will take TIME and patience and cannot be fixed overnight, but can be fixed. I so desperately need to believe this, because things cannot stay the way they are.

So I am not doing well, but I am here and trying and still have enough insight to know that things have been bad before and gotten better, so maybe they will again.


  1. Careful with the meds changes-- I'm also surprised how much that shit can affect me. Arrogance be damned, I think I'm finally getting to a point where I realize I function far better on meds than off, and staying put with them is stronger than tapering independently. Whether dropping down precipitated this or not, it can't hurt to give yourself any extra help you can now, right?

    Hang in there, lady.

  2. Meds changes can really effect us
    I am also coming off one of my meds at the moment
    I know you would love to be med free but listen to your body
    Maybe you could taper it down more slowly?
    I know it's hard to see now but you will come through this
    Keep hanging in there
    Thinking of you today x

  3. I'm with JS and Ruby--going back up to the higher dose could certainly be helpful right now and maybe taper when the pain is back down. I really hope things get better!