Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Feeling Sorry for Myself

Sorry for the dumb post yesterday that said absolutely nothing. Writing about what is actually going on feels too overwhelming and depressing and real. I've been having pain for about a week now, and it it freaking me the fuck out. Yesterday was just about the worst day I've had in a long time; not even painwise, but emotionally. I was literally crying nonstop - in the shower, brushing my teeth, at my desk at work, in the car, everywhere.

I've been much, much worse. The pain is maybe a 3 or 4 where it used to be an 8. So, it's not the end of the world. And I think things felt a tad better today as I was walking to work, so that's definitely a good sign. I haven't exercised in several days, which has been insanely hard and frustrating, but I'm doing it because I know that I don't have a choice. Looks like there's not going to be much working out for the foreseeable future, which pisses me off because it's finally beautiful outside and I'm finally back in shape after a tough winter, but this is the way it has to be right now.

I am a different person when I am in pain. I am grouchy and lonely and mad at the world. I don't want to be around people; I don't even want to think about other people. I didn't realize how well things were going until they started to get bad again. I consider myself a pretty tough person, but I know this: I know that I can't go through this again. There is only so much I can take, and I've already taken it. I've used up all the reserves I have, you know? I'm spent.

It scares me how easily this tipped me back over the edge. I was an absolute wreck yesterday. My eyes were swollen and my skin burning from all the crying. After about 6 months of being really really happy, it took about 6 days to plunge me right back into that old, dark place. If I was going to be in pain, I didn't want to be alive.

Things are better today. I'm remembering that I had 6 really good months, and that there are some logical explanations for the recent uptick. That if I'm really honest with myself, I can see that it wasn't completely out of nowhere. That the exercise was getting out of control, that I saw the warning signs and ignored them, and that my body is still extremely fragile after so many years of starving.

I am not good at being patient with myself, or with anything. I'm feeling really pissed off at the world, wallowing in self-pity over the fact that I have to put up with this shit after everything I've already been through. It's not fair and it sucks and why does everything have to be so hard? I am sick of having to constantly reevaluate things: my weight, my exercise routine, by intake, what is okay and what isn't, what is healthy and what is sick. I am so fucking tired of having to restructure my understanding of myself and the world around me, and what is fair and what isn't.

Sorry to dump this on you. I'll get through it, I have before and things were much worse then, but I'm tired and pissed and needed to get this out.

1 comment:

  1. I hope the pain is continuing to improve. Even pain at a 3 or 4 sounds rough. I'm really glad you're taking time off of working out to let your body heal. It's understandable how much this affects your mood, and that must be incredibly difficult. I hope you're able to be kind to yourself and treat yourself well as you go through this. Hang in there!