Double treatment session this week, so I saw my dietician J first, then had therapy with R. I think they had pow-wowed about me since last week because J went right to work upping my meal plan.
She prescribed that yummy liquid goop - BOOST. Which I despise. It's expensive. It tastes bad. It makes me feel sick. It's humiliating to buy. I don't want to leave it sitting in the fridge for my roommates to see. So I haven't bought any yet, but may do so this weekend. Haven't decided.
One thing J focused on was me creating a treatment setting for myself. Like, having meal support, meeting people for dinner, showing my roommate my meal plan, etc. The point, I guess, is to keep me more accountable by telling other people what I need to be eating - but that is just SO not my style. I barely talk about my eating disorder at all with anyone. So it would be weird and uncomfortable to suddenly ask friends to babysit me during meals.
J was also big on separating "Kaylee" from the "eating disorder" this week. When I said that restaurants are stressful for me, she jumped in with, "Restaurants are stressful for your eating disorder." Well, okay. But it's not exactly as if I can excise the eating disorder from my "real" self at the moment. It's too intertwined. So for now, we're stuck with each other.
Then R. He was twenty minutes late coming out to get me from the waiting room, and I was super irritated until I realized that he had been meeting with J (who I had just seen) about me.
Something I felt better about this week was that it seemed like they both listened to me when I said things like I don't think I can do that. I told J that I honestly wasn't sure if I could drink as many supplements as she wanted, so she told me to at least get them at the store so that I would have the option, and then just do what I could. Then I told R that I didn't think I could gain as much weight as he wants - that I wouldn't ever be able to fully commit to it because it just feels too unnecessarily high. So he agreed to let me aim for a range - the lower limit is where I last got my period and the upper limit is the ultimate weight he and J originally wanted.
For the first time, I felt like they were being realistic about what I would and would not do. I didn't want to feel bullied into agreeing to something just to make them happy, knowing that I wouldn't follow through. I hope it doesn't sound like they're letting me off easy - the meal plan was substantially increased and weight gain is still absolutely nonnegotiable. But now, I no longer feel like the weekly goals are so far out of reach that I don't even want to try.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
The Ritual
Exercise hasn't always been tainted by anorexia-fueled motivations for me. I was always an active kid; I played a ton of sports, primarily soccer and lacrosse. In high school, I got hooked on cross country and track, and now long-distance running is still my exercise of choice. I get really antsy after sitting still for too long on any given day, regardless of what my eating habits were like on said day. I genuinely believe that I need a daily (or almost daily) sweat-sesh to maintain a happy, productive, sane state of mind.
THAT BEING SAID... I'm having a bit of a problem. Lately, my workouts aren't excessive, per se, but they aren't exactly healthy either. I don't spend insane amounts of time at the gym, but I go every. single. day. At the exact same time, too. The gym employees could set their clocks by me. I rearrange my schedule to accomodate my exercise time. I freak out if something gets changed, and I immediately go into damage-control mode to make up for the moved/shortened/altered workout.
I have gone through periods of working out much, much, much more than I do now. Over the summer, it was bordering on the extreme (although I was eating much more then, too). But that's not really the problem anymore. Recently, it's just been all about the ritual. Wake up. Drink coffee. Work out. Shower. Start day.
I feel like I can't miss a workout or everything would collapse. Actually, I don't think much about what would happen, because I wouldn't even consider skipping a workout. It isn't a decision anymore. It just happens. It's just what I do.
I'm not sure what my rationale is, either, because I don't pay attention to the calories I burn or adjust my intake based on expenditure. (Still wary of the BMR issue.) It just doesn't connect in my head. There's a vague sense of Maybe I should eat a little less since my run was a little shorter today, but I don't do any calculations or anything. My thinking is more like: I will feel so gross and lazy and awful if I don't work out today, so why skip it? What is so special about today that should merit a day off?
I feel like I wouldn't be able to function after skipping the gym because I'd be so preoccupied by guilt and disgust with myself. Even knowing that one day off wouldn't affect my weight, and that it would in fact probably be beneficial to give my muscles a break, I just can't justify it. So I guess I'm more scared of feeling fat than actually getting fat?
Yet again, my brain's lack of logic astounds me.
THAT BEING SAID... I'm having a bit of a problem. Lately, my workouts aren't excessive, per se, but they aren't exactly healthy either. I don't spend insane amounts of time at the gym, but I go every. single. day. At the exact same time, too. The gym employees could set their clocks by me. I rearrange my schedule to accomodate my exercise time. I freak out if something gets changed, and I immediately go into damage-control mode to make up for the moved/shortened/altered workout.
I have gone through periods of working out much, much, much more than I do now. Over the summer, it was bordering on the extreme (although I was eating much more then, too). But that's not really the problem anymore. Recently, it's just been all about the ritual. Wake up. Drink coffee. Work out. Shower. Start day.
I feel like I can't miss a workout or everything would collapse. Actually, I don't think much about what would happen, because I wouldn't even consider skipping a workout. It isn't a decision anymore. It just happens. It's just what I do.
I'm not sure what my rationale is, either, because I don't pay attention to the calories I burn or adjust my intake based on expenditure. (Still wary of the BMR issue.) It just doesn't connect in my head. There's a vague sense of Maybe I should eat a little less since my run was a little shorter today, but I don't do any calculations or anything. My thinking is more like: I will feel so gross and lazy and awful if I don't work out today, so why skip it? What is so special about today that should merit a day off?
I feel like I wouldn't be able to function after skipping the gym because I'd be so preoccupied by guilt and disgust with myself. Even knowing that one day off wouldn't affect my weight, and that it would in fact probably be beneficial to give my muscles a break, I just can't justify it. So I guess I'm more scared of feeling fat than actually getting fat?
Yet again, my brain's lack of logic astounds me.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Fifty Facts
In honor of my 50th post, here are fifty facts about me:
1. My favorite meal is a peanut butter and banana sandwich - breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
2. I have chronic dry eye.
3. As a kid, I played soccer, lacrosse, softball, tennis, basketball, and field hockey - but running cross country in high school was the one sport that stuck.
4. When I was four, my older brother punched a kid for being mean to me.
5. I hate wearing makeup, but love painting my nails.
6. In elementary school, I had several pet frogs. Never got that puppy I always wanted, though.
7. My favorite colors are purple, green, and orange.
8. I hate grape-flavored anything.
9. Currently, my favorite TV show is Mad Men.
10. I also love Weeds.
11. And Modern family.
12. And 30 Rock.
13. Sometime during my freshman year of college, I went on a mission to watch all six seasons of Lost. I made it through the beginning of season four (maybe five?) and then it got too weird so I never finished. Still don't know how it ends.
14. I watch too much TV.
15. If there were no such thing as humidity, I wish it could be 95 degrees and sunny every day of the year.
16. Although I do like fall foliage and nighttime thunderstorms.
17. Violin was my biggest passion for a long time.
18. I started playing when I was five.
19. Public speaking terrifies me, but for some reason I never got nervous performing.
20. I tried to keep practicing violin my first few semesters of college, but I was just burnt out.
21. I know that I'm cheating on this list by splitting up facts over multiple numbers.
22. Whatever.
23. Fifty is a lot.
24. I have both ears pierced twice.
25. My bedspread is reversible - one side is pink and the other is brown. I flip it at random intervals based on my mood.
26. I spend too much money on books and coffee.
27. I really want to stop counting calories. I don't know how.
28. When I was a little kid, I used to fantasize about living on a farm. Now, I can't imagine not living in a city.
29. I met my best friend when we were two years old.
30. I met my other best friend two years ago.
31. My ex-boyfriend was arrested last year for something horrible and I can't imagine that he actually did it. But people change, I guess. I don't know what to believe. We broke up my junior year of high school and I haven't spoken to him since graduation.
32. One of my cousins has been in college for seven years. He keeps switching majors.
33. I don't know how the hell he's paying for that.
34. There's no way I could pick just one favorite book, but some of the contenders are: Beloved by Toni Morrison, Half the Sky by Nicholas Kristof, Madness by Marya Hornbacher (who also wrote Wasted), The Road by Cormac McCarthy, and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy by Stieg Larsson.
35. One of my non-food-related rituals is watching an episode of a TV show followed by reading a chapter of a book in bed before going to sleep.
36. My mom speaks fluent Spanish. She was very sad when I stopped studying it after high school.
37. I am an incredibly light sleeper. Anything and everything wakes me up.
38. When I'm not going through a bout of insomnia, I sleep six hours a night like clockwork.
39. I have never broken a bone, but I've dislocated my toe three times.
40. I've also had a million various overuse injuries from running - hip flexor strain, tendonitis, shin splits, etc.
41. All four of my grandparents are dead.
42. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving.
43. According to my dietician, I drink too much water. I swear it's not an ED thing - I'm just always really thirsty.
44. My mom and dad both work extremely hard. I am so thankful for everything we have, and that they have good insurance and can pay for my treatment. My parents have never deprived me of anything (I mean, within reason) that I really wanted or needed. (Although I never did get that puppy.)
45. This is a really long list.
46. I can't decide whether to go with a Blackberry or an iPhone when I get an upgrade. Thoughts?
47. I was supposed to study abroad this semester but the damn anorexia screwed that up.
48. Both of my parents are lapsed Catholics. I wasn't raised under any religion, but I am fascinated by all of them. I used to tag along to church with one friend, and regularly went to another friend's house for Shabbat dinner on Friday nights. Last year, I wrote a paper on Scientology for a class. This semester, I'm doing a project about prayer in Islam.
49. My vision is terrible. I cringe to think about how bad my eyes will be when I'm, like, eighty.
50. DONE.
1. My favorite meal is a peanut butter and banana sandwich - breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
2. I have chronic dry eye.
3. As a kid, I played soccer, lacrosse, softball, tennis, basketball, and field hockey - but running cross country in high school was the one sport that stuck.
4. When I was four, my older brother punched a kid for being mean to me.
5. I hate wearing makeup, but love painting my nails.
6. In elementary school, I had several pet frogs. Never got that puppy I always wanted, though.
7. My favorite colors are purple, green, and orange.
8. I hate grape-flavored anything.
9. Currently, my favorite TV show is Mad Men.
10. I also love Weeds.
11. And Modern family.
12. And 30 Rock.
13. Sometime during my freshman year of college, I went on a mission to watch all six seasons of Lost. I made it through the beginning of season four (maybe five?) and then it got too weird so I never finished. Still don't know how it ends.
14. I watch too much TV.
15. If there were no such thing as humidity, I wish it could be 95 degrees and sunny every day of the year.
16. Although I do like fall foliage and nighttime thunderstorms.
17. Violin was my biggest passion for a long time.
18. I started playing when I was five.
19. Public speaking terrifies me, but for some reason I never got nervous performing.
20. I tried to keep practicing violin my first few semesters of college, but I was just burnt out.
21. I know that I'm cheating on this list by splitting up facts over multiple numbers.
22. Whatever.
23. Fifty is a lot.
24. I have both ears pierced twice.
25. My bedspread is reversible - one side is pink and the other is brown. I flip it at random intervals based on my mood.
26. I spend too much money on books and coffee.
27. I really want to stop counting calories. I don't know how.
28. When I was a little kid, I used to fantasize about living on a farm. Now, I can't imagine not living in a city.
29. I met my best friend when we were two years old.
30. I met my other best friend two years ago.
31. My ex-boyfriend was arrested last year for something horrible and I can't imagine that he actually did it. But people change, I guess. I don't know what to believe. We broke up my junior year of high school and I haven't spoken to him since graduation.
32. One of my cousins has been in college for seven years. He keeps switching majors.
33. I don't know how the hell he's paying for that.
34. There's no way I could pick just one favorite book, but some of the contenders are: Beloved by Toni Morrison, Half the Sky by Nicholas Kristof, Madness by Marya Hornbacher (who also wrote Wasted), The Road by Cormac McCarthy, and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy by Stieg Larsson.
35. One of my non-food-related rituals is watching an episode of a TV show followed by reading a chapter of a book in bed before going to sleep.
36. My mom speaks fluent Spanish. She was very sad when I stopped studying it after high school.
37. I am an incredibly light sleeper. Anything and everything wakes me up.
38. When I'm not going through a bout of insomnia, I sleep six hours a night like clockwork.
39. I have never broken a bone, but I've dislocated my toe three times.
40. I've also had a million various overuse injuries from running - hip flexor strain, tendonitis, shin splits, etc.
41. All four of my grandparents are dead.
42. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving.
43. According to my dietician, I drink too much water. I swear it's not an ED thing - I'm just always really thirsty.
44. My mom and dad both work extremely hard. I am so thankful for everything we have, and that they have good insurance and can pay for my treatment. My parents have never deprived me of anything (I mean, within reason) that I really wanted or needed. (Although I never did get that puppy.)
45. This is a really long list.
46. I can't decide whether to go with a Blackberry or an iPhone when I get an upgrade. Thoughts?
47. I was supposed to study abroad this semester but the damn anorexia screwed that up.
48. Both of my parents are lapsed Catholics. I wasn't raised under any religion, but I am fascinated by all of them. I used to tag along to church with one friend, and regularly went to another friend's house for Shabbat dinner on Friday nights. Last year, I wrote a paper on Scientology for a class. This semester, I'm doing a project about prayer in Islam.
49. My vision is terrible. I cringe to think about how bad my eyes will be when I'm, like, eighty.
50. DONE.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Failing at Therapy
R wants me to gain weight so that we can move forward and talk about things other than food.
I want R to fix my brain first so that I feel okay with gaining weight.
Obviously, he's right and I'm sick. But the bottom line is: I don't feel capable of adding calories and gaining to the weight he wants. I just don't. At this point, my mind won't let me. I'd hate myself too much.
To clarify: my weight is NOT in a danger zone. It is lower than optimal, but not deathly (I swear!). So yes, I should gain the weight that R wants - or at least regain the weight I've lost since May - but it isn't a matter of life of death at the moment.
So it's hard for me to agree with R when he goes all alarmist on me about it. It's not that I'm not taking it seriously, it just doesn't seem like something that needs to be fixed right this second or else you won't make it through the semester.
Right now, I just feel stuck. I'm not trying to intentionally antagonize R by being a stubborn little snot, but my brain is caught in a rut and the idea of changing up my meal plan with the goal of actually gaining weight is absolutely unfathomable. It's not that I don't think gaining weight is necessary - I do think it's necessary, to a certain extent. I want my period back. I don't want to be ruled by food rituals. I want to be able to eat in restaurants without freaking out before, during, and after. I want all of these things, but I just cannot see myself actually giving up what I have now. Which is, essentially, a pathological obsession with meaningless numbers. Yay.
There was a moment in my appointment this morning when I actually thought R was going to fire me. He didn't, but did start pushing "more intense treatment." The options he laid out: 1) stick with what I'm doing by seeing R and J each once a week but actually follow the meal plan, 2) see R and J each twice a week, and have my mom come out for "support," 3) start going to group therapy in addition to seeing R and J, 4) start attending IOP in the center where R and J work, or 5) go home.
Obviously, I picked the first option. I basically told him IOP was NOT an option. Not interested. Not necessary, in my opinion, and not exactly feasible with my schedule. I know that health is the priority over school, but still.
So. I guess that's where things stand. I'm really going to try following the meal plan. But if it were that easy, I would have done it already.
I want R to fix my brain first so that I feel okay with gaining weight.
Obviously, he's right and I'm sick. But the bottom line is: I don't feel capable of adding calories and gaining to the weight he wants. I just don't. At this point, my mind won't let me. I'd hate myself too much.
To clarify: my weight is NOT in a danger zone. It is lower than optimal, but not deathly (I swear!). So yes, I should gain the weight that R wants - or at least regain the weight I've lost since May - but it isn't a matter of life of death at the moment.
So it's hard for me to agree with R when he goes all alarmist on me about it. It's not that I'm not taking it seriously, it just doesn't seem like something that needs to be fixed right this second or else you won't make it through the semester.
Right now, I just feel stuck. I'm not trying to intentionally antagonize R by being a stubborn little snot, but my brain is caught in a rut and the idea of changing up my meal plan with the goal of actually gaining weight is absolutely unfathomable. It's not that I don't think gaining weight is necessary - I do think it's necessary, to a certain extent. I want my period back. I don't want to be ruled by food rituals. I want to be able to eat in restaurants without freaking out before, during, and after. I want all of these things, but I just cannot see myself actually giving up what I have now. Which is, essentially, a pathological obsession with meaningless numbers. Yay.
There was a moment in my appointment this morning when I actually thought R was going to fire me. He didn't, but did start pushing "more intense treatment." The options he laid out: 1) stick with what I'm doing by seeing R and J each once a week but actually follow the meal plan, 2) see R and J each twice a week, and have my mom come out for "support," 3) start going to group therapy in addition to seeing R and J, 4) start attending IOP in the center where R and J work, or 5) go home.
Obviously, I picked the first option. I basically told him IOP was NOT an option. Not interested. Not necessary, in my opinion, and not exactly feasible with my schedule. I know that health is the priority over school, but still.
So. I guess that's where things stand. I'm really going to try following the meal plan. But if it were that easy, I would have done it already.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Settling In
I, for one, am glad that September is over. It's a month of too many changes. And while most of them were good this year (starting my junior year of college after taking a semester off, moving into a new apartment, being back on my own after living with my parents for eight months), the instability of the transitional period left me constantly anxious and on edge.
Now, I'm feeling much more settled. I'm used to my apartment, my roommates, my walking routes, and my classes. I have my daily routines. My anxiety levels have been toned down by orders of magnitude from where they were a couple of weeks ago. Now, my biggest anxieties are school-related, which oddly, I am much better equipped to handle than the little things like running out of yogurt or losing my umbrella on a rainy day or forgetting to do laundry on my one free afternoon. That stuff practically sends me into hysterics.
I am also getting used to R, my new therapist. At first, I was hesitant to see him because he is, you know, a dude, But I'm way more comfortable with him now after only three or four sessions. I really like R's personality and approach. We are still at a bit of a stalemate over the Weight Issue, but I'll get there. I think.
Lately I've been spending a ton of time with my roommate K (same one I visited back in June), and realizing how much better life is with such a good friend. Even though I am incredibly independent and need my alone time to function, I had forgotten how much easier life is with friends. I have been sloooowly opening up to K about the ED, which is big for me. For the longest time, I only ever discussed the anorexia with professionals - e.g. therapist, dietician, doctor. In some ways, that's easier because they are already familiar with the symptoms and don't need to be educated. Real people don't always get it. But when I talk to K about it, she seems genuinely interested in trying to understand my mindset and learn what is helpful/not helpful for me.
Food is more of the same. I really do want to do better because I've been noticing that my energy is definitely down. At times, I find myself slipping into that slightly manic must-eat-now state that only happens when I'm restricting. If I am consistently eating enough to sustain myself, I can hold out for longer and not dissolve into a shaky hypoglycemic panic if lunch gets delayed by an hour. Even though I haven't really lost any weight in the last couple of weeks, I think the recent loss combined with the lower intake (not scary low, just lower than R would like) is starting to take its toll. So I am motivated to turn things around NOW while my brain and heart and metabolism still have a fighting chance.
Okay, gotta get moving. I've got a 14-page paper and two 10-pagers due this week, plus a presentation and a big project for work. Peace!
Now, I'm feeling much more settled. I'm used to my apartment, my roommates, my walking routes, and my classes. I have my daily routines. My anxiety levels have been toned down by orders of magnitude from where they were a couple of weeks ago. Now, my biggest anxieties are school-related, which oddly, I am much better equipped to handle than the little things like running out of yogurt or losing my umbrella on a rainy day or forgetting to do laundry on my one free afternoon. That stuff practically sends me into hysterics.
I am also getting used to R, my new therapist. At first, I was hesitant to see him because he is, you know, a dude, But I'm way more comfortable with him now after only three or four sessions. I really like R's personality and approach. We are still at a bit of a stalemate over the Weight Issue, but I'll get there. I think.
Lately I've been spending a ton of time with my roommate K (same one I visited back in June), and realizing how much better life is with such a good friend. Even though I am incredibly independent and need my alone time to function, I had forgotten how much easier life is with friends. I have been sloooowly opening up to K about the ED, which is big for me. For the longest time, I only ever discussed the anorexia with professionals - e.g. therapist, dietician, doctor. In some ways, that's easier because they are already familiar with the symptoms and don't need to be educated. Real people don't always get it. But when I talk to K about it, she seems genuinely interested in trying to understand my mindset and learn what is helpful/not helpful for me.
Food is more of the same. I really do want to do better because I've been noticing that my energy is definitely down. At times, I find myself slipping into that slightly manic must-eat-now state that only happens when I'm restricting. If I am consistently eating enough to sustain myself, I can hold out for longer and not dissolve into a shaky hypoglycemic panic if lunch gets delayed by an hour. Even though I haven't really lost any weight in the last couple of weeks, I think the recent loss combined with the lower intake (not scary low, just lower than R would like) is starting to take its toll. So I am motivated to turn things around NOW while my brain and heart and metabolism still have a fighting chance.
Okay, gotta get moving. I've got a 14-page paper and two 10-pagers due this week, plus a presentation and a big project for work. Peace!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Doubts
Today in therapy, I was trying to articulate why I have so much trouble following the meal plan. I wanted to be able to say: "I don't know if I can make dinner that big because I'd hate myself afterwards" or "It's too hard to eat when I'm not hungry so the extra snack might not happen."
I wanted to be honest about what's hard for me and what I see myself realistically accomplishing on a daily basis. At the same time, though, I was afraid that my honesty would make R think I had no motivation to eat better and gain weight, and that we were all just wasting our time.
Then he said:
"Kaylee, I have no doubts about your willingness to put effort into this."
So now my own doubts are lessened considerably.
I wanted to be honest about what's hard for me and what I see myself realistically accomplishing on a daily basis. At the same time, though, I was afraid that my honesty would make R think I had no motivation to eat better and gain weight, and that we were all just wasting our time.
Then he said:
"Kaylee, I have no doubts about your willingness to put effort into this."
So now my own doubts are lessened considerably.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Body Image Crisis
Why is it that increasing my meal plan not only makes me feel worse about my weight - but it also makes me feel worse about my hair, my skin, my nails, my feet, my eyebrows, and my teeth? Why does everything suddenly feel so wrong?
I've really been making an effort to do better with eating this week, and as a reward my mind has decided to mutiny by throwing every terrible thought about myself front and center. Now I'm not just fat, but ugly in every way. I never had a problem with my teeth before, but now they're crooked and yellow and nasty. My hair is too frizzy and refuses to lie right. My eyes are a gross color.
This makes me sound like I'm appearance obsessed, which I'm not. I hate that these new anxieties about my body make me want to hide from the world. For the most part I couldn't care less about fashion, but it still takes me forever to get dressed in the morning because everything I put on looks wrong. I worry that everyone will be disgusted by the zit on my cheek, and I would rather walk around wearing a ski mask than subject the world to that ickiness.
I wouldn't judge someone else for having flaws, but with myself everything seems so much worse.
Tomorrow I'm seeing R and J again. I'm super nervous about getting weighed, even though I weigh myself every day anyway. What is it about these Official Weigh-Ins that freaks me out so much? I usually have a general idea about what the scale will say before I even step on. I know weight fluctuates, but I still get hung up on minute changes. So I don't want to gain weight tomorrow because it will confirm that all the yucky pudginess I feel in my body is real.
But if I lose weight, I'll be disappointed in myself. R will be disappointed. He will probably give me a Very Serious Talk about motivation and goals and follow-through. The eating disordered part of me, though, will be ecstatic. And that's still a big part of me.
I don't want to end on that terrible note. Some good things:
- My exam today was easy. Whew!
- The weather was perfect - sunny, breezy, perfect temperature.
- My dad sent me a sweet e-mail last night that nearly made me cry (in a good way!).
- I have all my limbs, my eyesight, my hearing, and my mind.
I've really been making an effort to do better with eating this week, and as a reward my mind has decided to mutiny by throwing every terrible thought about myself front and center. Now I'm not just fat, but ugly in every way. I never had a problem with my teeth before, but now they're crooked and yellow and nasty. My hair is too frizzy and refuses to lie right. My eyes are a gross color.
This makes me sound like I'm appearance obsessed, which I'm not. I hate that these new anxieties about my body make me want to hide from the world. For the most part I couldn't care less about fashion, but it still takes me forever to get dressed in the morning because everything I put on looks wrong. I worry that everyone will be disgusted by the zit on my cheek, and I would rather walk around wearing a ski mask than subject the world to that ickiness.
I wouldn't judge someone else for having flaws, but with myself everything seems so much worse.
Tomorrow I'm seeing R and J again. I'm super nervous about getting weighed, even though I weigh myself every day anyway. What is it about these Official Weigh-Ins that freaks me out so much? I usually have a general idea about what the scale will say before I even step on. I know weight fluctuates, but I still get hung up on minute changes. So I don't want to gain weight tomorrow because it will confirm that all the yucky pudginess I feel in my body is real.
But if I lose weight, I'll be disappointed in myself. R will be disappointed. He will probably give me a Very Serious Talk about motivation and goals and follow-through. The eating disordered part of me, though, will be ecstatic. And that's still a big part of me.
I don't want to end on that terrible note. Some good things:
- My exam today was easy. Whew!
- The weather was perfect - sunny, breezy, perfect temperature.
- My dad sent me a sweet e-mail last night that nearly made me cry (in a good way!).
- I have all my limbs, my eyesight, my hearing, and my mind.
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