Relief and Running

Crazy busy last week/weekend. I just handed in the last of three BIG papers that I've been working on for the past two weeks or so, and feeling a slight sense of relief about finally getting those finished. For some reason this semester, school stuff just isn't coming as easily as in the past, and it feels like I'm struggling so much more to accomplish the same amount of work.

My job, however, is going really well. Without getting too specific: I get to do lots of issue-related research and interviews with various academics and professionals. For the first time in a while, I find myself getting totally engrossed in projects and forgetting about the millions of other things that are usually weighing on my mind. Like weight.

I've recently started running again after taking time off for a hip injury this summer. It hurt a little at the beginning, but has settled down since then. Maybe this isn't a good thing from a recovery standpoint, but getting back into running feels beyond wonderful. I'm being really careful to take it slow, not do too much all at once, and mix it up with intervals of walking, but still, wow. It feels so good.

Admittedly, my caution has more to do with a fear of re-injuring my hip than it does with a fear of falling back into anorexia, but the ends justify the means, right? And running just makes me feel so much stronger, so much more exhilarated, than any other kind of exercise. So I am satisfied with doing less of it than I would be with, say, biking.

In semi-related news, my metabolism has been freaking out lately. Eating makes me hungrier. Is this possible? I swear, within thirty minutes of finishing a meal, my stomach starts growling. You'd think extreme hunger would make meal plan compliance easier, but mostly it's just irritating.

Although, it is making me wonder about intuitive eating a bit - like, what would happen if I just ate when my body said FEED ME? The idea intrigues me, but I honestly don't think it's possible at the moment. I am way too aware of calories to ditch the counting habit, and as long as the tally is going in my head, I wouldn't be able to choose foods without calories being the main consideration. So, maybe something to think about in the future.

....and my neighbors just brought out the bass and amps. I'm off to go pound on the wall.

The Ritual

Exercise hasn't always been tainted by anorexia-fueled motivations for me. I was always an active kid; I played a ton of sports, primarily soccer and lacrosse. In high school, I got hooked on cross country and track, and now long-distance running is still my exercise of choice. I get really antsy after sitting still for too long on any given day, regardless of what my eating habits were like on said day. I genuinely believe that I need a daily (or almost daily) sweat-sesh to maintain a happy, productive, sane state of mind.

THAT BEING SAID... I'm having a bit of a problem. Lately, my workouts aren't excessive, per se, but they aren't exactly healthy either. I don't spend insane amounts of time at the gym, but I go every. single. day. At the exact same time, too. The gym employees could set their clocks by me. I rearrange my schedule to accomodate my exercise time. I freak out if something gets changed, and I immediately go into damage-control mode to make up for the moved/shortened/altered workout.

I have gone through periods of working out much, much, much more than I do now. Over the summer, it was bordering on the extreme (although I was eating much more then, too). But that's not really the problem anymore. Recently, it's just been all about the ritual. Wake up. Drink coffee. Work out. Shower. Start day.

I feel like I can't miss a workout or everything would collapse. Actually, I don't think much about what would happen, because I wouldn't even consider skipping a workout. It isn't a decision anymore. It just happens. It's just what I do.

I'm not sure what my rationale is, either, because I don't pay attention to the calories I burn or adjust my intake based on expenditure. (Still wary of the BMR issue.) It just doesn't connect in my head. There's a vague sense of Maybe I should eat a little less since my run was a little shorter today, but I don't do any calculations or anything. My thinking is more like: I will feel so gross and lazy and awful if I don't work out today, so why skip it? What is so special about today that should merit a day off?

I feel like I wouldn't be able to function after skipping the gym because I'd be so preoccupied by guilt and disgust with myself. Even knowing that one day off wouldn't affect my weight, and that it would in fact probably be beneficial to give my muscles a break, I just can't justify it. So I guess I'm more scared of feeling fat than actually getting fat?

Yet again, my brain's lack of logic astounds me.

A Discovery

Since I am the queen of ignoring signs from my body and not taking care of myself until little problems become big problems, my hip injury still isn't any better.  I am finally being good and committing to NOT running or abusing it in any other way until I see the orthopedist on Wednesday.  I haven't run in about two or three weeks, and I haven't biked or elliptical-ed for the past five or six days.  Instead, I've been trying to get my exercise fix by swimming.

For the longest time, I was opposed to swimming for a variety of reasons.  First of all, I hate public pools.  I'm totally wimpy and squeamish - thinking about swimming in water (even chlorinated!) that has been contaminated by other people's bodily fluids makes me want to puke a little.  And puke makes me squeamish too.

Secondly, I suck at swimming.  I don't really know why, because I had swimming lessons as a kid and totally tore up that rec center pool.  Seriously, I started in the lowest level class with the toddlers that stayed on the steps, and by the end of the summer session I had been promoted all the way to the advanced group that rocked out in the deep end and got to use the diving board.  Go me.  Over the years, though, something happened and I started to believe that I couldn't swim.  Probably lack of practice just created this huge fear and insecurity about swimming.  Plus, there's my aforementioned fear of squids.  Whenever I tried some basic freestyle, I would end up sputtering and thrashing and swear I would never swim again.  At running camp with my cross country team in high school, we had to swim across a lake and the coach ended up throwing me a life-vest and following me in his canoe because he thought I would drown.

So I was a teeeeensy bit apprehensive about trying swimming again, but I've been really worried about this hip/back pain and I knew that continuing to run or bike would only make it worse.  I guess my compulsion to get ANY type of exercise overrode my aversion to swimming, because I finally decided to suck it up and go to the pool at my gym.

The verdict: I actually like it! Swimming feels different than any other kind of exercise because it really does use your whole body in a way that nothing else does.  I've always liked workouts that leave you drenched in sweat and wobbly on your feet because, duh - how else would I know if I'd done enough?  Swimming is different - no dripping sweat, no throbbing knees, no screaming quads.  The sensory deprivation is sort of calming - I can't listen to music or read or watch TV, so there's nothing but the sound of moving water and my own breathing.  It leaves my body feeling floaty and loose and generally fatigued, but not completely wiped the way that running does.

It has taken some practice, but I think I might be sold on this swimming thing.  Don't get me wrong - I'm no pro.  I don't know what I look like, but I assure you it is NOT graceful.  Zero technique.  Definitely still some thrashing tendencies.  Also, I can't ever get the breathing right, so I usually have to stop every couple of laps to gasp for air.  But swimming uses muscles in my arms, core, back, and neck that I've never used before.  Instead of the endless pounding on my legs from running, swimming makes me feel strong and powerful.  I feel like I'm doing something good for my body rather than breaking it down.

Also, I think shaking up my workouts has been a good way to address my rigidity about exercise, which is still a huge problem.  I like to do the same thing every day so I can be sure I'm doing "enough" or the "right" thing and any changes are scary because omg what if I get fat?  (Surprise! I haven't gained an ounce since I stopped running.)

But once a runner always a runner.  I definitely prefer running and I miss it and will be going back to that as soon as this stupid hip thing goes away.  For now, though, I'm pleasantly surprised that swimming has turned out to be so pleasant.

Week in Review

Entering the home stretch - of summer, that is.  Today is my last day of work and I'm hoping to peace out early, if all goes to plan.

We had a department outing on Wednesday that involved a catered lunch.  I did eat pretty well, even though I was stressed about the whole thing right up until I sat down at the table.  I definitely had to do some private cheerleading to feel okay.  It wasn't so much the actual food that bothered me - more the break in routine.  I couldn't relax beforehand because I didn't know what to expect, and afterwards I worried that maybe I'd eaten too much.  Logically, I'm sure it wasn't any bigger than my normal lunch, but that didn't stop the little voice in my head that wondered, how can you be sure?

But even though I was uncomfortable about it, I still managed to eat a decent meal and have a good time.  As much as I hate my job, I do work with some genuinely kind, warm, funny women and it was nice to spend some time with them outside of the office.

On the exercise front: I haven't been running for the past few weeks because I started having awful hip pain.  Actually, the hip pain has been there for a while and I just ignored it. Recently, though, I've been experimenting with other kinds of exercise in hopes that the pain will go away without turning into a full-blown injury. Nothing feels quite as good as running to me, though, so I usually go a little overboard on the bike or the elliptical to make sure I get a "hard enough" workout, and end up hurting and frustrated.

Long story short, even without running, my hip hasn't really gotten any better.  Recently the pain started spreading to my lower back so that when I'm sitting at my desk or in my car, suddenly my back will seize up and I have to start twisting and performing contortions to stretch it out.  I'm seeing an orthopedist next week so fingers crossed it's nothing serious.  In the meantime, my goal is to stay off of it completely in terms of working out - maybe try swimming instead.  But NO RUNNING.

In other body-failure news, I have a horrible cold.  Every morning when I wake up sniffling and congested, I get confused all over again.  Who gets colds in the summer?  Me, apparently.  This is my second since June.  Not life-threatening, but annoying.

It is probably going to be a boring weekend since my two best friends are out of town.  It's a little early to start thinking about packing up my stuff for the semester, but cleaning and laundry are definitely in order.  Then therapy on Sunday and dietician on Monday.  Hopefully I'll find something semi-fun to keep me busy.

Off to my final day at the office.

My Life is This

My life is this: I wake up in my childhood bedroom after (not) sleeping all night.  Wait until I hear my mom leave for work, go downstairs, gulp a cup of coffee, and head out for a run.  Sweat a lot.  Shower, dress, breakfast, jump in the car and speed to work.  I'm still always late.  It was more important to fit the run in.  Not that anyone cares when I show up - I am interning at a nonprofit that clearly has no clue what to do with interns.  So, I sit in my windowless cubicle and stare at my computer screen and debate whether or not to eat my snack.  Then lunch.  Then snack.

I make approximately six trips to the bathroom - partly because I have a freakishly small bladder, partly because I also make six trips to the water fountain, and partly because I can't sit still in my chair for more than twenty minutes at a time.

By four p.m. I'm so bored I want to rip my hair out.  Thirty minutes to go.  At four-thirty on the dot, I bolt.  Speed home, change, head to the gym.  Pound the treadmill, bike, sweat, another quick shower at home, dinner, collapse.  Snap at my mother.  Debate snack.  Eat it.  Collapse.

No, I am not supposed to be working out twice a day, but it is one of the unexpected snags that has cropped up in my recovery.  I've always been active - I played pretty much every sport at some point growing up, and got really into cross country and track during high school.  Since then, I have been a self-proclaimed Runner with a capital R.  I had to stop in December because my doctor scared me about my heart and my bones.  I've only just recently taken it up again (with permission!) in the past couple of months and I'm already hooked.  Totally addicted. I am definitely seeing how it can become a trigger for me, as I think a lot of people with EDs find.

So, the solution would be to stop, right?  Or at least come clean to my parents or my treatment team about how much exercise I'm doing, before it starts eating away at my mind again?  Ha.  Even though I know that I should be easing into exercise, it has been hard to rationalize that when I feel the need to "make up" for the past few months.  (Note: I KNOW this is irrational and disordered and completely unhealthy.  I am not advocating this type of thinking or behavior.  I really wish that I had been able to follow my nutritionist's advice on exercise because I do feel trapped in my routines now and it is definitely a setback I did not anticipate.)

Also, it is hard to justify cutting back the exercise when I am eating plenty and basically maintaining an okay weight.  I am JUST weight-restored...sort of.  Technically, according to my nutritionist, I am still a few pounds below "healthy" BUT I am in my range (albeit scraping the bottom, apparently, and bouncing in and out from week to week) and for now, that's good enough for me.  So it is really hard to convince myself that if I suddenly cut out the running, my weight wouldn't shoot up.

So this is my summer - okay food and weight, sucky job, insane running that keeps me sane - but there's still a whole lot of summer left to go.