Relief and Running

Crazy busy last week/weekend. I just handed in the last of three BIG papers that I've been working on for the past two weeks or so, and feeling a slight sense of relief about finally getting those finished. For some reason this semester, school stuff just isn't coming as easily as in the past, and it feels like I'm struggling so much more to accomplish the same amount of work.

My job, however, is going really well. Without getting too specific: I get to do lots of issue-related research and interviews with various academics and professionals. For the first time in a while, I find myself getting totally engrossed in projects and forgetting about the millions of other things that are usually weighing on my mind. Like weight.

I've recently started running again after taking time off for a hip injury this summer. It hurt a little at the beginning, but has settled down since then. Maybe this isn't a good thing from a recovery standpoint, but getting back into running feels beyond wonderful. I'm being really careful to take it slow, not do too much all at once, and mix it up with intervals of walking, but still, wow. It feels so good.

Admittedly, my caution has more to do with a fear of re-injuring my hip than it does with a fear of falling back into anorexia, but the ends justify the means, right? And running just makes me feel so much stronger, so much more exhilarated, than any other kind of exercise. So I am satisfied with doing less of it than I would be with, say, biking.

In semi-related news, my metabolism has been freaking out lately. Eating makes me hungrier. Is this possible? I swear, within thirty minutes of finishing a meal, my stomach starts growling. You'd think extreme hunger would make meal plan compliance easier, but mostly it's just irritating.

Although, it is making me wonder about intuitive eating a bit - like, what would happen if I just ate when my body said FEED ME? The idea intrigues me, but I honestly don't think it's possible at the moment. I am way too aware of calories to ditch the counting habit, and as long as the tally is going in my head, I wouldn't be able to choose foods without calories being the main consideration. So, maybe something to think about in the future.

....and my neighbors just brought out the bass and amps. I'm off to go pound on the wall.

New Dietician

I had my first appointment with the dietician in R's office this week. The verdict: I like her, I think. She, J, is younger than my old dietician and has a much different personality, but is friendly and nonjudgmental and nice and didn't make me feel too awkward. So that's all good.

J spent the first half of the appointment asking questions about my history, current intake, habits, etc. Then she gave me a mini Nutrition 101 lesson, which was semi-interesting but not really necessary. I'm pretty much a nutrition expert - in theory if not practice. She looked over my food records from last week and said - I quote - "Oh good, I can work with this." Her official opinion is that I'm good about eating regularly and not skipping meals or snacks, but that my portions are just too small and my choices are too limited. Which I sort of already knew, but it's helpful to hear it from a professional.

So that was the good part. The bad: she wants to reset my ultimate goal weight to a significantly higher number. Like, SIGNIFICANTLY higher. I think she could tell how freaked out I got because she immediately added that this was a "longterm goal." Which confused me even more - longterm meaning in six months? A year? Five years? Ten? What if I get pregnant? It just seemed like the number J came up with was super high - definitely higher than anything I've ever weighed before. If I gained XX pounds over the next few months to get back to my original goal, why should I have to gain ANOTHER X pounds just to get into the new range?

It all seemed kind of moot at the time anyway, since I was feeling somewhat ambivalent about gaining any weight, much less the XX pounds J wants "longterm."

Anyway, we spent some time going over my food records and beefing up my meal plan. I was reluctant about it for obvious reasons, so J launched into an explanation of BMR and how I'd need a certain number of calories just to stay alive - a concept that I know is true, but that my brain still can't quite grasp. Metabolism scares me because I don't know enough of the science behind it, plus I don't think anyone's metabolism behaves exactly according to a scientific formula. So I don't understand how it works and that freaks me out.

Anyway, my go-to method of increasing calories is usually just adding protein bars. I asked J if she minded me eating multiple bars a day, despite my new commitment to variety. She said something interesting:

"When a patient is underweight, I tell her she can eat McDonald's every day to gain the weight back. The health risks associated with eating fast food all the time are less dangerous than the risks associated with staying underweight."

So...a fast food binge wasn't exactly the recommendation I was expecting from a dietician. Not sure I totally believe her, but she made her point. When you're underweight, it doesn't matter how careful you are to get in your fruits and veggies and whole grains - anything less than a weight-gain diet is not healthy for you.

Dear Stomach: SHHHH

My appetite is, honestly, scaring the heck out of me.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I am starving ALL THE TIME.  My usual meals and snacks just aren't satisfying me.  My stomach literally starts growling within an hour of eating.  (And I'm eating enough!)

I don't know why this is happening now, after I've been maintaining a basically healthy weight for over a month.  I remember how a few weeks into re-feeding, my hunger was ridiculous - like, I would finish a meal and be starving ten minutes later, but my dietician had told me to expect that.  I was at a lower weight and the idea of more food = metabolism speeding up = increased hunger made total sense to me.

But now?  I guess I have been running a lot, so maybe it's accumulating fatigue or something.  My best friend from high school and I starting taking a Pilates class that makes me pretty sore, so maybe I'm building new muscle.  Plus, last weekend was a change of routine so maybe my body is recalibrating or something.  (I'm totally making up these theories on the spot.)

I've been eating pretty much the same number of calories since coming down from weight gain amounts over the past couple of months.  My lower days definitely outnumber my higher days, but I don't think I've ever dipped below a healthy, dietician-approved amount.

So why now am I suddenly SO. HUNGRY. all the time?  I eat my usual breakfast at 8 and am dying by 10.  I usually hold out until lunch at 11:45-12 or so.  At the beginning of the summer, I was having my snack at 3:30 - this week, I've been lucky to make it until 2:15.  So, naturally, the thought of waiting for dinner at our typically 6 or 7 is unbearable.  My mom and I have been eating around 5-5:30, just because I get home from work absolutely famished and literally can't make it any longer.  Then I have another snack around 8 or 9 and try to get to bed before my stomach starts growling again.

Secretly, (of course) I was hoping this meant I'd lost some weight - but no.  My weight has maybe slid down a teeny tiny bit in the past month or so, but definitely not enough to warrant the massive increase in food that my body has abruptly decided to ask for.

This isn't normal-person "I-haven't-eaten-since-breakfast-so-of-course-I'm-hungry" hunger, either.  This is dizzy/shaky/sick hunger.  Dear-Kaylee-give-me-food-any-food-NOW-love-your-body hunger.

Something that I have noticed since starting re-feeding is that eating regularly, meaning every 3-4 hours, is just as important as eating enough calories for me.  Even if I eat a massive breakfast, I would still need to eat again by lunchtime.  I'm not sure what the biological mechanisms going on here are, but I seem to get low blood sugar or something very easily.  So maybe my body has had enough of that dance and would like to just get a heftier stream of calories to work with?  Build up some reserves?

Another thing - periods still aren't regular.  I had one totally normal period in April, one very light one in May, and nothing since.  But even with the light/no period months, I still definitely got PMS symptoms around the weeks when my period should have come.  So maybe my body is telling me I need a bit more food to get the hormones running?  Or something?

But why now, body?  And why can't you just be happy where you are?  Or a little thinner?  Just kidding.

So, I am confused.  And irritated. And HUNGRY.