Hips, Hunger, and Half the Sky

I finally saw the orthopedist for my hip, which was a huge relief.  No stress fracture (which I was secretly afraid of, thanks to my old lady bones).  Apparently I have a hip flexor strain at the anterior iliac crest - basically just another plain old overuse injury.  My doctor told me it "should be" healed by now, considering I'm so young, but all I can really do is take more time off running, plus do extra icing and stretching.  Nothing I didn't already know.  I guess I could have saved the $25 co-pay, but whatever.  Peace of mind is worth it.  The doctor also gave me a referral for physical therapy, which I may or may not use.  It's not really worth it to start here since I'm leaving town in a week, but I'll be much more crunched for time once I start school.  Maybe I'll just go to one or two sessions and get a few tips.

Onto something else: I keep finding myself in the same bothersome situation, which should probably be a sign to CHANGE SOMETHING but that would be too logical.  See, I hate restaurants for all the typical anorexic reasons - no control over how the food is prepared, eating in public, no nutrition info, etc.  Plus, I'm very particular about when I eat, and with restaurants that obviously depends on when you can get a reservation, how fast/slow the service is, how many courses there are, when other people want to go...in other words, way too many uncontrollable factors for me to handle.  In general, I try to avoid restaurants because I tend to freak out in anticipation of a huge meal, then end up overcompensating and eating way less than I had ever planned and leaving hungry.

Yesterday my family and I went out to a really nice restaurant for a special occasion. This had been planned for about a week so, naturally, I spent the whole week worrying about it.  I had visions of inhaling massive amounts of greasy, fatty, rich food and gaining ten pounds in one sitting.  (No idea where this fear comes from.  I'm a pro at picking the lightest dish on the menu and then overestimating the calories.  But I still worry about accidentally stuffing my face.)  Our reservation was at 8pm, which freaked me out in itself because that is much later than I normally eat dinner.  I don't have a problem with eating late - I eat a snack around 9 or 10 most nights - but the fact that this big, unpredictable meal was so late meant that I had all day to worry about it, and made me feel the need to eat less during the day "just in case."  So I tried to listen to my hunger and eat normally without obsessing about the dinner, but I definitely cut back more than I should have in preparation.  Plus, I spent the day shopping and touring a museum in a Big City with my mom, meaning we were on our feet walking, climbing stairs, etc. in the heat and humidity for several hours.  Hunger, crankiness, sore feet.

By dinnertime, I was BEYOND hungry.  It was that weak, drained, shaky hunger when your stomach has given up growling because what's the point, Kaylee?  I growled all day and you wouldn't give me what I wanted.  In a moment of bravery, I did not order the obviously lowest-calorie item on the menu, but maybe the second- or third- lowest.  It was a dish that I knew I would feel okay about eating, especially since I was starving, but also something decently substantial - and I ate all of it.  The verdict?  Still hungry.  I'm not sure how many calories were in my meal, but I'm almost positive that it was less than a normal dinner I would have eaten at home.

This always happens - in an effort not to eat too much, I eat much too little.  Yet somehow, I still find myself leaving restaurants with a sense of guilt, as if I really did eat too much.  So I'm left feeling guilty AND hungry, and swearing never to eat in another restaurant again.  And I completely lack the ability to adjust for error after such an outing - meaning, I can't be calm and rational and have an extra snack to break even.  It's more like, "Oh, oops!  I didn't overeat?  What a tragedy.  But maybe I did overeat.  Why does my stomach feel like it's trying to digest itself?  Huh.  I should probably work out for X extra minutes tomorrow and cut X calories because....well, just because."  Why hello, Rational Side.  No, I don't believe we've met.

I tried explaining this to W once - that I eat better at home, and restaurants cause me so much anxiety that it just doesn't seem worth the energy.  She replied that it is, and I quote, "absolutely worth it" because eating out reminds me that life goes on even when I break my stupid rigid rules.  Calories can be made up, but sticking to my own routine day in and day out only reinforces it, and makes it harder and harder to change.

And finally, I am reading a fantastic book called Half the Sky.  Parts of it are rough to read, but it is entertaining, inspiring, and uplifting.  I've been called a bleeding heart before, but this book is hard to argue with.  Basically, Nicholas Kristof and his wife traveled to a bunch of different countries investigating injustices done to women and concluded that educating and empowering girls is the best way to - for lack of better words - change the world.  I agree.  Can you tell?  Nicholas Kristof rocks.

Dear Stomach: SHHHH

My appetite is, honestly, scaring the heck out of me.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I am starving ALL THE TIME.  My usual meals and snacks just aren't satisfying me.  My stomach literally starts growling within an hour of eating.  (And I'm eating enough!)

I don't know why this is happening now, after I've been maintaining a basically healthy weight for over a month.  I remember how a few weeks into re-feeding, my hunger was ridiculous - like, I would finish a meal and be starving ten minutes later, but my dietician had told me to expect that.  I was at a lower weight and the idea of more food = metabolism speeding up = increased hunger made total sense to me.

But now?  I guess I have been running a lot, so maybe it's accumulating fatigue or something.  My best friend from high school and I starting taking a Pilates class that makes me pretty sore, so maybe I'm building new muscle.  Plus, last weekend was a change of routine so maybe my body is recalibrating or something.  (I'm totally making up these theories on the spot.)

I've been eating pretty much the same number of calories since coming down from weight gain amounts over the past couple of months.  My lower days definitely outnumber my higher days, but I don't think I've ever dipped below a healthy, dietician-approved amount.

So why now am I suddenly SO. HUNGRY. all the time?  I eat my usual breakfast at 8 and am dying by 10.  I usually hold out until lunch at 11:45-12 or so.  At the beginning of the summer, I was having my snack at 3:30 - this week, I've been lucky to make it until 2:15.  So, naturally, the thought of waiting for dinner at our typically 6 or 7 is unbearable.  My mom and I have been eating around 5-5:30, just because I get home from work absolutely famished and literally can't make it any longer.  Then I have another snack around 8 or 9 and try to get to bed before my stomach starts growling again.

Secretly, (of course) I was hoping this meant I'd lost some weight - but no.  My weight has maybe slid down a teeny tiny bit in the past month or so, but definitely not enough to warrant the massive increase in food that my body has abruptly decided to ask for.

This isn't normal-person "I-haven't-eaten-since-breakfast-so-of-course-I'm-hungry" hunger, either.  This is dizzy/shaky/sick hunger.  Dear-Kaylee-give-me-food-any-food-NOW-love-your-body hunger.

Something that I have noticed since starting re-feeding is that eating regularly, meaning every 3-4 hours, is just as important as eating enough calories for me.  Even if I eat a massive breakfast, I would still need to eat again by lunchtime.  I'm not sure what the biological mechanisms going on here are, but I seem to get low blood sugar or something very easily.  So maybe my body has had enough of that dance and would like to just get a heftier stream of calories to work with?  Build up some reserves?

Another thing - periods still aren't regular.  I had one totally normal period in April, one very light one in May, and nothing since.  But even with the light/no period months, I still definitely got PMS symptoms around the weeks when my period should have come.  So maybe my body is telling me I need a bit more food to get the hormones running?  Or something?

But why now, body?  And why can't you just be happy where you are?  Or a little thinner?  Just kidding.

So, I am confused.  And irritated. And HUNGRY.