Clawing Back, Planning Ahead

Still keeping on keeping on. I hesitate to type this and jinx it, but I think I may have a slightly better handle on things than I did a week ago. Actually, I'm positive I have a better handle on things because I am no longer crying every other minute, but the real question is whether it will last. At least my period's over (and it was relatively normal, despite being over a week late) so maybe any hormonally-induced mood swings will subside for a bit.

And I need to stop thinking like that. I need to stop thinking that the thoughts and feelings are entirely out of my control, because they aren't. Somewhat, but not entirely.

So here's what I'm doing:

(1) Thanks to those smart wonderful ladies who commented on my last post, I am definitely upping my Celexa dose again. The tapering just occurred to me as an afterthought as I was typing that post, but your responses made me rethink how critical a factor it may have been. So I'm back up to 20mg (just three days so far) and will e-mail my psychiatrist sometime soon.

(2) This week I am starting a mindfulness class. I know, you're all like EWW LAME SHUT UP YOU HIPPIE but seriously! It is not something I would normally ever do, but a) it's being offered for free to the staff at the clinic where I work, b) my supervisor is letting me count the hours as "work," and c) seriously, what else do I have to do on Thursdays 4-6pm? We had to buy a workbook and read the first few chapters before the first class this week, and I'm already kind of intrigued by the approach. I know "mindfulness" is kind of a buzzword these days, so I suppose it can't hurt to see what all the fuss is about.

(3) I am still abstaining from any formal exercise, but I am finding small non-strenuous ways to fit some activity into my days so that I at least don't feel like a complete loser. Because regimented, intense daily exercise doesn't seem to be in the cards for me anytime soon, I am working to make exercise a more natural and fluid part of my routines. Like instead of driving to campus, I'll bike or walk. And instead of sitting around after dinner feeling sorry for myself, I'll take a stroll around the block. So this way I'm not sitting on my butt all day, and there's not this black-and-white divide between "exercise days" and "non-exercise days."

(4) I haven't called Dr. A yet about the nerve pain, but I will if it doesn't get better in the next couple weeks. Maybe by the time I see my College City doc on June 13. I don't want to cry wolf if this is just a flare that needs time to settle, but I also refuse to sit around in misery if there is a solution out there.

I just feel like I need to have a plan. I cannot sit back and let myself sink down to where I was at my lowest. I am still in a better place than I was back then, both physically and emotionally, and I need to leverage that before things get truly out of my hands.