 |
| source |
More in 2015. Lots of love and Happy New Year's!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Goodbye, 2014
Well it sure has been a ride, hasn't it? This year I had some of my highest highs and lowest lows, and just about everything in between. Entered my first (mostly) pain-free year since 2011, finished my first year of graduate school, dated for the first time since college, came off my medication, made some new friends, kicked some ass, got my ass kicked a little, and whatdyaknow, I'm still here.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Depression Thoughts
Love this:
What I Wish People Knew About Depression.
I think it gives a really interesting, knowledgable, sensitive, nuanced perspective.
Depression has been on my mind more lately. I don't just mean I feel depressed, although that may be the case. I mean it's been on my mind in that I've been mulling over the nature of depression. Like, how much of it can I really control? How much is triggered by life happening around me, and how much is "just in my head"? How much of my constant ruminating about random shiz can be explained by wonky brain chemicals? How much of me is irrevocably fucked up at a chemical level? How much has this dark monster changed my actual personality? My ability to think clearly and form relationships and experience joy?
Oopsie daisies, didn't mean for this get quite so philosophical. Just been thinking a lot. I'll try to do a happier post soon. Much love, all.
What I Wish People Knew About Depression.
I think it gives a really interesting, knowledgable, sensitive, nuanced perspective.
Depression has been on my mind more lately. I don't just mean I feel depressed, although that may be the case. I mean it's been on my mind in that I've been mulling over the nature of depression. Like, how much of it can I really control? How much is triggered by life happening around me, and how much is "just in my head"? How much of my constant ruminating about random shiz can be explained by wonky brain chemicals? How much of me is irrevocably fucked up at a chemical level? How much has this dark monster changed my actual personality? My ability to think clearly and form relationships and experience joy?
Oopsie daisies, didn't mean for this get quite so philosophical. Just been thinking a lot. I'll try to do a happier post soon. Much love, all.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
FAQ Part II
Second installment:
What's your real name?
Not this again.
Please? So I can stalk you on Facebook?
My Facebook page is private. Nice try. You may call me Kaylee, Kay, K, K-Lee, Oh-Kay-Doe-Kay, or K-doodle-bops. Take your pick.
How old are you now?
I am 24 and feeling insecure about getting old so leave me alone. The first thing my mom said when she called me up on my birthday last month was, "So, does this mean you're in your mid-twenties now?" EW BOO SHRIEK NO SHUT UP YOU ARE THE WORST MOTHER EVER I HATE YOU AND I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN.
Are your feet really that weirdly big?
I mean, sort of. I'm 5'3" and I wear a size 8, which is just one size down from my mom, who is 5'5". Is that weird? Now you guys are making me insecure again.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Oh, you mean when I finish my never-ending education? When I have accumulated so many letters after my name that they won't fit on business cards and people start to assume I'm overcompensating for something? I probably want to either go into academia or do research for a think-tank.
Pet peeve?
Oh my God, so many. Bad breath, bad grammar, bad spelling, bad manners, bad drivers, stupidity, know-it-alls, hipsters, girls who wear leggings all the time instead of real pants, dudes who don't know how to tuck in a shirt, people who don't know how to recycle, people who pop their gum......should I go on? I realize these are not so much pet peeves as just me being judgmental, but sorry. This is what you get.
Bad habits?
Biting my nails, weighing myself, being a freak.
Piercings?
Two in each earlobe and one in my left cartilage.
Tattoos?
Nope.
Proudest accomplishments?
The obvious ones are school-related: my senior thesis, my college GPA, my current research.
But honestly? I'm more proud of this stuff: Ditching the scale. Gaining XX pounds and dealing. Surviving the last five years. It hasn't been easy.
Where do you want to be in 10 years?
Employed doing something I love, married with one or two kiddos,skinny at a healthy weight, no therapy, no medication, happy. A girl can dream, right?
What's your real name?
Not this again.
Please? So I can stalk you on Facebook?
My Facebook page is private. Nice try. You may call me Kaylee, Kay, K, K-Lee, Oh-Kay-Doe-Kay, or K-doodle-bops. Take your pick.
How old are you now?
I am 24 and feeling insecure about getting old so leave me alone. The first thing my mom said when she called me up on my birthday last month was, "So, does this mean you're in your mid-twenties now?" EW BOO SHRIEK NO SHUT UP YOU ARE THE WORST MOTHER EVER I HATE YOU AND I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN.
Are your feet really that weirdly big?
I mean, sort of. I'm 5'3" and I wear a size 8, which is just one size down from my mom, who is 5'5". Is that weird? Now you guys are making me insecure again.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Oh, you mean when I finish my never-ending education? When I have accumulated so many letters after my name that they won't fit on business cards and people start to assume I'm overcompensating for something? I probably want to either go into academia or do research for a think-tank.
Pet peeve?
Oh my God, so many. Bad breath, bad grammar, bad spelling, bad manners, bad drivers, stupidity, know-it-alls, hipsters, girls who wear leggings all the time instead of real pants, dudes who don't know how to tuck in a shirt, people who don't know how to recycle, people who pop their gum......should I go on? I realize these are not so much pet peeves as just me being judgmental, but sorry. This is what you get.
Bad habits?
Biting my nails, weighing myself, being a freak.
Piercings?
Two in each earlobe and one in my left cartilage.
Tattoos?
Nope.
Proudest accomplishments?
The obvious ones are school-related: my senior thesis, my college GPA, my current research.
But honestly? I'm more proud of this stuff: Ditching the scale. Gaining XX pounds and dealing. Surviving the last five years. It hasn't been easy.
Where do you want to be in 10 years?
Employed doing something I love, married with one or two kiddos,
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Rationalizing and Normalizing (Encouragement Welcome)
I keep finding myself writing that things are "weird" or I feel "off" or "not right." I'm not doing great, but I can't decide if it's depression or anxiety or a combination or just a strange stress response that needs some time to work itself out. Right now it's mostly manifested as worrying about my weight; I'm so stressed out and frustrated and confused about it, I don't know what to do. Dr. P has been begging me to make at appointment at my campus health center for months to get bloodwork done, which I finally did the other day. Results came back yesterday morning: normal, normal, normal. The only exceptions were: elevated AST (liver enzyme), which for some reason is ALWAYS high, no idea why and no one'e ever been concerned about it, and a slightly low free T4 (e.g. right on the bottom number of the reference range). The doctor's only suggestion for my tiredness and constant hungriness was to do a sleep study. Um, no. Dr. P wanted me to push for a referral to an endocrinologist, but I chickened out.
Sometimes I dip into a deep valley of depression—like two nights ago, when the fear and anxiety and despair over my weight left me sobbing so hard I couldn't fall asleep for hours. And sometimes I settle into a place of okay-ness, like "this is what my body needs, things will normalize," etc etc etc; at those moments, my earlier meltdowns seem ridiculous. But most of the time, I'm stuck in this weird limbo phase that's hard to describe. I'm not full-on panicking or falling apart, but I'm not great either. If I let myself think about my weight too much I'll start to cry.
The only explanation I can think of is that my body is still, after over two years of eating a more normal amount of calories (though never a "weight gain" amount), regulating itself. My weight had started to settle in the summer/fall of 2013, but then the period of excessive running that winter/spring seemed to trigger another few pounds. I don't really know if that's the case, but it's the only explanation that really makes sense in my head. I've been driving myself nuts trying to figure out how to unify all the conflicting things I've heard and read and experienced. Sometimes I freak out that exercise will make me gain weight, and other times I freak out that I'm not exercising enough. Sometimes I think I'm eating too much, or too littler, or too many carbs, or not enough protein, or too few vegetables, or too much salt, or not enough water....and on and on and on.
Clearly there's nothing glaringly wrong, since my bloodwork is consistently normal. We've ruled out all the big scary stuff, which is good. That means there's nothing incurable. Right? I don't have an autoimmune disease, I don't have a thyroid disorder, and I don't have cancer. In the moments when I'm being rational and mature and thoughtful about this, I remember that I was underweight for a long long time and my body didn't know which way is up. That my body has survived anorexia, hormone deficiencies, chronic pain, and the eye saga. My body is traumatized. I am only 24. In the grand scheme of things, this has been a blip. A major, life-altering, incredibly difficult blip, but a blip all the same.
So the best things I can do are:
1) Eat healthfully
2) Exercise moderately
3) Don't obsess.
All easier said than done, right? Not promising it will happen. But I'm going to try. And this is all I have to go on.
Sometimes I dip into a deep valley of depression—like two nights ago, when the fear and anxiety and despair over my weight left me sobbing so hard I couldn't fall asleep for hours. And sometimes I settle into a place of okay-ness, like "this is what my body needs, things will normalize," etc etc etc; at those moments, my earlier meltdowns seem ridiculous. But most of the time, I'm stuck in this weird limbo phase that's hard to describe. I'm not full-on panicking or falling apart, but I'm not great either. If I let myself think about my weight too much I'll start to cry.
The only explanation I can think of is that my body is still, after over two years of eating a more normal amount of calories (though never a "weight gain" amount), regulating itself. My weight had started to settle in the summer/fall of 2013, but then the period of excessive running that winter/spring seemed to trigger another few pounds. I don't really know if that's the case, but it's the only explanation that really makes sense in my head. I've been driving myself nuts trying to figure out how to unify all the conflicting things I've heard and read and experienced. Sometimes I freak out that exercise will make me gain weight, and other times I freak out that I'm not exercising enough. Sometimes I think I'm eating too much, or too littler, or too many carbs, or not enough protein, or too few vegetables, or too much salt, or not enough water....and on and on and on.
Clearly there's nothing glaringly wrong, since my bloodwork is consistently normal. We've ruled out all the big scary stuff, which is good. That means there's nothing incurable. Right? I don't have an autoimmune disease, I don't have a thyroid disorder, and I don't have cancer. In the moments when I'm being rational and mature and thoughtful about this, I remember that I was underweight for a long long time and my body didn't know which way is up. That my body has survived anorexia, hormone deficiencies, chronic pain, and the eye saga. My body is traumatized. I am only 24. In the grand scheme of things, this has been a blip. A major, life-altering, incredibly difficult blip, but a blip all the same.
So the best things I can do are:
1) Eat healthfully
2) Exercise moderately
3) Don't obsess.
All easier said than done, right? Not promising it will happen. But I'm going to try. And this is all I have to go on.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Packing Frenzy
Getting ready to head home to my parents' house for two weeks. I'm furiously folding laundry and shoving stuff into my suitcase tonight, plus calculating out how little sleep I'm actually going to get by setting my alarm for—wait for it—3:45 IN THE MORNING. My flight is at six, but the cab's coming at 4:30. I am counting on no lines at security that early.....because normal people fly during the daylight hours, right?
Ugh, I SO hate packing. Probably why I'm blogging right now instead of, you know, actually packing. Can I also add how much harder is it to pack in the winter? Like, how am I supposed to fit all my layers and sweaters and scarves and wool socks and boots and gloves into a carry-on? Because after six years of making this trip home, I refuse to check a bag at the airport.
Anyways. This post is blatant procrastination/complaining. Sorry to be boring. I had a weird/frustrating/interesting day today, but no energy or time to get into it now. Let's just say it involved: therapy, my weight, me being a freak, a doctor's appointment, me driving in circles for hours, getting lost in downtown College City, me being a freak again, and a lot of pouring rain. Hope to update more tomorrow!
All the best—K
Ugh, I SO hate packing. Probably why I'm blogging right now instead of, you know, actually packing. Can I also add how much harder is it to pack in the winter? Like, how am I supposed to fit all my layers and sweaters and scarves and wool socks and boots and gloves into a carry-on? Because after six years of making this trip home, I refuse to check a bag at the airport.
 |
| Apparently I'm back to my clipartting ways |
Anyways. This post is blatant procrastination/complaining. Sorry to be boring. I had a weird/frustrating/interesting day today, but no energy or time to get into it now. Let's just say it involved: therapy, my weight, me being a freak, a doctor's appointment, me driving in circles for hours, getting lost in downtown College City, me being a freak again, and a lot of pouring rain. Hope to update more tomorrow!
All the best—K
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Six S Saturday
Sandwiches are totally bumming me out lately. I have probably eaten a sandwich for lunch every day for the past five years, and I'm over it. I had some time yesterday and decided to be a little creative (and anyone who knows me knows this is monumental....I hate cooking, food stresses me out, and I am the least creative cooker/eater in the world). Anyway, what I did was roast a bunch of veggies (brussels sprouts, onions, red peppers) and mixed them with chickpeas and some spices into a salad-type concoction. Verdict: not bad! I really do wish I could be a little more adventurous, and get my shit together enough to plan actual meals for lunch instead of the same ole same old all the time. So, maybe a positive first step.
Sleep. Or, more specifically, my magical hippie drug Somnapure. I've only ever been able to find it at CVS (I usually shop at Walgreens because it's closer, and that's where I fill all my prescriptions) but lately, they've been out of stock. I still think the Somnapure has helped with sleep, but lately I've been trying to ration it (it's expensive) by taking half a dose plus valerian root, which didn't seem to do much on its own but seems to work okay in this combination. Anyway, I recently ran out of Somnapure and haven't been able to find it at CVS so I switched to a different brand of "natural, drug-free" sleep aids - can't tell if it works yet. Hopefully yes, because it costs a little less!
Spring schedule. My schedule is going to be significantly different next semester. I'm only taking three classes instead of five (well, four classes plus two labs, which I rounded to five), but working more hours at my internship and doing more research. I think it should be a little less stressful, especially without the doctoral apps to worry about. Well, I suppose in the spring the rejections will start rolling in, so that will probably be pretty stressful...
Snapchat. I might be twelve years old. But I love Snapchat. I only really use it with a couple of my friends, and we literally can carry on these ridiculous snap conversations all day long. At the risk of trying to make Snapchat into something poetic, I feel like it makes me look at things differently. It's not just enough to send a little message, but I have to send a wacky face with it, or a shot of something to illustrate the point or be ironic or funny or whatever. And knowing the picture disappears makes me braver and more creative and less cautious (I mean not in a weird naked-pictures kind of way, get your minds out of the gutter. You guys are gross). Am I putting too much thought into this? Probably. But I do love Snapchat. Kids these days have all the fun.
Shoes. I love clothes and shopping, but 1) I have no money and 2) I have crap body image, so clothes shopping gets complicated. But shoes are another story. I LOVE SHOES. For my birthday back in November, I asked my brother for a pair of flats to replace the pair he'd gotten me a couple years ago. I sent him links for two options, and told him to pick whichever. Well, he forgot and I never got a birthday present from him—until last night, that is. To make up for being six weeks late, he bought me both.
.jpeg)
 |
| My sprouts |
Sleep. Or, more specifically, my magical hippie drug Somnapure. I've only ever been able to find it at CVS (I usually shop at Walgreens because it's closer, and that's where I fill all my prescriptions) but lately, they've been out of stock. I still think the Somnapure has helped with sleep, but lately I've been trying to ration it (it's expensive) by taking half a dose plus valerian root, which didn't seem to do much on its own but seems to work okay in this combination. Anyway, I recently ran out of Somnapure and haven't been able to find it at CVS so I switched to a different brand of "natural, drug-free" sleep aids - can't tell if it works yet. Hopefully yes, because it costs a little less!
Spring schedule. My schedule is going to be significantly different next semester. I'm only taking three classes instead of five (well, four classes plus two labs, which I rounded to five), but working more hours at my internship and doing more research. I think it should be a little less stressful, especially without the doctoral apps to worry about. Well, I suppose in the spring the rejections will start rolling in, so that will probably be pretty stressful...
Snapchat. I might be twelve years old. But I love Snapchat. I only really use it with a couple of my friends, and we literally can carry on these ridiculous snap conversations all day long. At the risk of trying to make Snapchat into something poetic, I feel like it makes me look at things differently. It's not just enough to send a little message, but I have to send a wacky face with it, or a shot of something to illustrate the point or be ironic or funny or whatever. And knowing the picture disappears makes me braver and more creative and less cautious (I mean not in a weird naked-pictures kind of way, get your minds out of the gutter. You guys are gross). Am I putting too much thought into this? Probably. But I do love Snapchat. Kids these days have all the fun.
Shoes. I love clothes and shopping, but 1) I have no money and 2) I have crap body image, so clothes shopping gets complicated. But shoes are another story. I LOVE SHOES. For my birthday back in November, I asked my brother for a pair of flats to replace the pair he'd gotten me a couple years ago. I sent him links for two options, and told him to pick whichever. Well, he forgot and I never got a birthday present from him—until last night, that is. To make up for being six weeks late, he bought me both.
You guys like?
SERIAL. I AM OBSESSED. I've never listened to podcasts before, and this was an amazing introduction. From the first minutes of the first episode, I was totally hooked. I am a total newbie to this podcast thing—are there other series like this out there? Must investigate. This could be life-changing.
You guys like my pics? It is a new thing I'm trying - Kaylee the Photographer instead of Kaylee the Clipart Finder. But if you are worried this will turn into a food blog, ha. That will not happen.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Try Part II
This song wasn't even on my radar when I wrote my last post, but I LOVE it. Made me cry in the car this morning. Not hard to do these days, but still.
You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)