**************TRIGGER WARNING**************
This article discusses weight, pounds, calories, dieting, etc. etc. etc. but is really fascinating from a biological standpoint.
After the "Biggest Loser"
Monday, May 2, 2016
Hello, Set Point Theory
This article discusses weight, pounds, calories, dieting, etc. etc. etc. but is really fascinating from a biological standpoint.
After the "Biggest Loser"
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Med Updates
I know that I barely post at all these days, and when I do it tends to be ANXIETYANXIETYANXIETY and not much else. Sorry. I have truly never been hit so hard by anxiety as I have in the past year. It's really hard to describe feeling so unsafe in your own head. It has waxed and waned a bit, but since about July or so, I have pretty much been consumed by anxiety. It's not that it always so terrible, but sometimes it is and I am constantly calibrating how my brain feels...is it going to be a good day? A terrible day? Do I need to call Mama Bear? Do I need to call Dr. P? Do I need to call Dr. New Psychiatrist? Do I need to suck it up and get a grip? Do I need to pop a Klonopin?
I'm doing better lately, mostly because the meds have been a game changer. I started on Celexa back in November and things improved dramatically with a few weeks, but that also coincided with me going on winter break and my stress level dropping to approximately zero. The spring semester has definitely been better than the fall, but over the past couple months my anxiety started rising again to pretty intolerable levels again. I doubled my dose of Celexa, but was still relying pretty heavily on the Klonopin. I have the Klonopin to take "as needed," but "as needed" was pretty much daily. So, my psychiatrist (I started seeing her last fall and I ADORE HER) just switched me to Prozac. For a week, I was tapering down the Celexa, then tapering up the Prozac, and I am supposed to take Klonopin daily to keep things under control in the transition - particularly since she warned me that Prozac can be "activating" in the beginning. Anyway, I've been on the Prozac for about a week or so with no real news to report, other than a little nausea and general tummy unhappiness. I was taking 1mg Klonopin daily last week, then decided to try going without and so far so good. So, cautious fist pump.
Anyway, I have about one week left of this insane semester and then things should settle down for a bit. Much love to all, hope this BRIEF update is enough to sustain you for a little.
Love,
Your Favorite Worst Blogger
I'm doing better lately, mostly because the meds have been a game changer. I started on Celexa back in November and things improved dramatically with a few weeks, but that also coincided with me going on winter break and my stress level dropping to approximately zero. The spring semester has definitely been better than the fall, but over the past couple months my anxiety started rising again to pretty intolerable levels again. I doubled my dose of Celexa, but was still relying pretty heavily on the Klonopin. I have the Klonopin to take "as needed," but "as needed" was pretty much daily. So, my psychiatrist (I started seeing her last fall and I ADORE HER) just switched me to Prozac. For a week, I was tapering down the Celexa, then tapering up the Prozac, and I am supposed to take Klonopin daily to keep things under control in the transition - particularly since she warned me that Prozac can be "activating" in the beginning. Anyway, I've been on the Prozac for about a week or so with no real news to report, other than a little nausea and general tummy unhappiness. I was taking 1mg Klonopin daily last week, then decided to try going without and so far so good. So, cautious fist pump.
Anyway, I have about one week left of this insane semester and then things should settle down for a bit. Much love to all, hope this BRIEF update is enough to sustain you for a little.
Love,
Your Favorite Worst Blogger
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Updates in Bullets
I don't know why it feels so hard to blog these days, but I want to write something. So, the bulleted version:
— Almost done with my first year of the PhD. They all say the first year is the hardest, just with adjusting to the program and being in classes and encountering an enormous learning curve with almost everything you are expected to do. So far that feels about right. I'm doing fine in my classes, but yikes I am snowed under with work all.the.time. Also, MEETINGS. It feels like I am constantly running to meetings, sitting in meetings, scheduling meetings, trying to decipher my notes from meetings, scratching my head on how it feels like I spend more time in meetings than actually doing work.
— Anxiety is kicking my ass. Again. It scares me because I've been on Celexa now for about 4-5 months, and actually recently doubled my dose (I'm at 40 mg). But the last couple of weeks, my anxiety has felt almost as bad as it was back in the fall before I started medication at all. How is that even possible?? I've taken Klonopin several times during the day over the past couple weeks, which I previously had almost NEVER done, and it helps a little but obviously is not a sustainable solution. Maybe I am more stressed about school than I realized.
— My summer will be nice in the sense that I'll get a break from coursework, but insane in the sense that I'll be doubling down on research, plus traveling a ton (well, a ton for me. It won't really approach Cammy-level traveling). Visiting my best friend for a long weekend next month, my parents' house for 2ish weeks in late May (Papa Bear is turning the big 6-0!!!), conference in early June, wedding in late June, another conference in August, and another wedding in September. I may also TA another class, but it should be much easier than my current gig because (A) summer classes are shorter (8-10 weeks instead of 15), and (B) the class won't have a lab, so basically my only responsibilities will be to give a couple of lectures and probably do some grading. Easy peasy.
— The presidential race is scaring me. That is all.
— I'm reading Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon. I don't love it, especially not the way I loved his last book (The Noonday Demon). He is a beautiful writer, but the structure feels very repetitive. And, I don't know, it just isn't moving me the same way Demon did.
— My apartment is a huge mess, my garbage needs to go out, I haven't washed dishes in two days, and there are three loads of unfolded laundry waiting for me. HELP.
— Almost done with my first year of the PhD. They all say the first year is the hardest, just with adjusting to the program and being in classes and encountering an enormous learning curve with almost everything you are expected to do. So far that feels about right. I'm doing fine in my classes, but yikes I am snowed under with work all.the.time. Also, MEETINGS. It feels like I am constantly running to meetings, sitting in meetings, scheduling meetings, trying to decipher my notes from meetings, scratching my head on how it feels like I spend more time in meetings than actually doing work.
— Anxiety is kicking my ass. Again. It scares me because I've been on Celexa now for about 4-5 months, and actually recently doubled my dose (I'm at 40 mg). But the last couple of weeks, my anxiety has felt almost as bad as it was back in the fall before I started medication at all. How is that even possible?? I've taken Klonopin several times during the day over the past couple weeks, which I previously had almost NEVER done, and it helps a little but obviously is not a sustainable solution. Maybe I am more stressed about school than I realized.
— My summer will be nice in the sense that I'll get a break from coursework, but insane in the sense that I'll be doubling down on research, plus traveling a ton (well, a ton for me. It won't really approach Cammy-level traveling). Visiting my best friend for a long weekend next month, my parents' house for 2ish weeks in late May (Papa Bear is turning the big 6-0!!!), conference in early June, wedding in late June, another conference in August, and another wedding in September. I may also TA another class, but it should be much easier than my current gig because (A) summer classes are shorter (8-10 weeks instead of 15), and (B) the class won't have a lab, so basically my only responsibilities will be to give a couple of lectures and probably do some grading. Easy peasy.
— The presidential race is scaring me. That is all.
— I'm reading Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon. I don't love it, especially not the way I loved his last book (The Noonday Demon). He is a beautiful writer, but the structure feels very repetitive. And, I don't know, it just isn't moving me the same way Demon did.
— My apartment is a huge mess, my garbage needs to go out, I haven't washed dishes in two days, and there are three loads of unfolded laundry waiting for me. HELP.
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Breakups, Boundaries, and Biopsy Results
I didn't mean to do a sad post then pull a disappearing act, sorry. I'm here, yes I'm single again, no I'm not happy about it, but yes I will be okay.
And yes, he really did break up with me two days before Valentine's Day, and YES it really was as shitty as it sounds. But I'm better now. I needed about 24-48 hours to just cry and be devastated, and then, I don't know, I was still sad but life goes on.
I've never been broken up with before this. I always do the breaking up, and I usually procrastinate and drag it out because I feel guilty—not just about hurting someone, but about how I can't seem to fall for anyone who actually likes me back and would make a great partner. But this time, boy oh boy I had it bad. I was head over heels. I have never been so sure that I really liked someone and wanted to be with him. And thus I probably blocked out some of the red flags that might've indicated it was not as mutual as I wanted to believe. Lesson learned, I suppose. At least I now know that I'm not actually incapable of having feelings for someone. And at least now I understand what the fuss around heartbreak is all about.
School is going okay. Getting a PhD is hard. Things are much tougher for me than they were in the fall, mostly because I'm now in two really tough classes that consume a ton of brainpower and time. It's been a while since I've had a really hard class. On the other hand, TA'ing has gotten much easier. I've gotten a lot more comfortable in front of the students (ahem all 28 OF THEM), and have learned to protect my time better. At the beginning of the semester I was giving a lot of extra help and meetings outside of class and office hours, and now I am better at setting boundaries, making them come with specific questions, and try the assignments on their own before automatically scheduling a meeting with me. Yay for assertiveness!
Things with the advisor are going swell. HE GOT TENURE!!! THREE CHEERS! When I got the e-mail from the dean, I ran upstairs to J's office and was literally freaking out I was so happy for him....and when I asked if he was so excited about the news, he said—and this is a direct quote—"It feels like getting negative biopsy results. A big relief but no real day-to-day changes." I was like ugh man YOU ARE KILLING MY HIGH.
Anxiety spiked like crazy maybe 2-3 weeks ago. I went three full consecutive nights with NO sleep (as in, literally zero hours of sleep. It was insane. I was insane) and all rational thought went out the window. I also developed a nasty cold that has yet to fully go away, although it's improving. Anyway, I went back to the new psychiatrist, adjusted my meds, took Tylenol PM for a few nights, took a lot of deep breaths and did a lot of furious pedaling on the exercise bike, and now things seem to be basically back to normal.
So I am chugging along with school and research, mostly keeping my head, mostly sleeping again, and taking my Celexa everyday like the #COMPLIANT patient that I am and always have been.
Much love to all. I will try to be a better blogger.
And yes, he really did break up with me two days before Valentine's Day, and YES it really was as shitty as it sounds. But I'm better now. I needed about 24-48 hours to just cry and be devastated, and then, I don't know, I was still sad but life goes on.
I've never been broken up with before this. I always do the breaking up, and I usually procrastinate and drag it out because I feel guilty—not just about hurting someone, but about how I can't seem to fall for anyone who actually likes me back and would make a great partner. But this time, boy oh boy I had it bad. I was head over heels. I have never been so sure that I really liked someone and wanted to be with him. And thus I probably blocked out some of the red flags that might've indicated it was not as mutual as I wanted to believe. Lesson learned, I suppose. At least I now know that I'm not actually incapable of having feelings for someone. And at least now I understand what the fuss around heartbreak is all about.
School is going okay. Getting a PhD is hard. Things are much tougher for me than they were in the fall, mostly because I'm now in two really tough classes that consume a ton of brainpower and time. It's been a while since I've had a really hard class. On the other hand, TA'ing has gotten much easier. I've gotten a lot more comfortable in front of the students (ahem all 28 OF THEM), and have learned to protect my time better. At the beginning of the semester I was giving a lot of extra help and meetings outside of class and office hours, and now I am better at setting boundaries, making them come with specific questions, and try the assignments on their own before automatically scheduling a meeting with me. Yay for assertiveness!
Things with the advisor are going swell. HE GOT TENURE!!! THREE CHEERS! When I got the e-mail from the dean, I ran upstairs to J's office and was literally freaking out I was so happy for him....and when I asked if he was so excited about the news, he said—and this is a direct quote—"It feels like getting negative biopsy results. A big relief but no real day-to-day changes." I was like ugh man YOU ARE KILLING MY HIGH.
Anxiety spiked like crazy maybe 2-3 weeks ago. I went three full consecutive nights with NO sleep (as in, literally zero hours of sleep. It was insane. I was insane) and all rational thought went out the window. I also developed a nasty cold that has yet to fully go away, although it's improving. Anyway, I went back to the new psychiatrist, adjusted my meds, took Tylenol PM for a few nights, took a lot of deep breaths and did a lot of furious pedaling on the exercise bike, and now things seem to be basically back to normal.
So I am chugging along with school and research, mostly keeping my head, mostly sleeping again, and taking my Celexa everyday like the #COMPLIANT patient that I am and always have been.
Much love to all. I will try to be a better blogger.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Friday, January 22, 2016
One Down
Highlights of the first week of the semester:
- Taught my first class and it was a BIT of a disaster. Technical difficulties + 28 students + 1 very flustered TA (me). Luckily they were nice about it, and the professor and I figured out the issues after class so things should be good to go by next week.
- This dumb project I've been working on forever for my advisor is almost done. THANKS BE TO GOD.
- I've felt a slight uptick in anxiety this week, probably just early-semester jitters (which seems to happen every semester) but I'm still doing better than I did for most of last fall.
- Still on Celexa, still amazed by its effect on my anxiety. Still no weight gain or other scary side effects—just constant, grinding headaches. Some days I pop Tylenol around the clock. I'm going to bring it up at my next appointment with the psychiatrist in a few weeks; can't remember if this was an issue last time, but I'm assuming it'll improve with time.
- I might be getting BRACES. Well, invisible ones (either invisalign or generic type). I've always been pretty self-conscious about my teeth, and they shifted slightly more in the two years since I got my wisdom teeth out (not uncommon, apparently). Anyway, I had a consult with an orthodontist last week who said she could probably fix them right up in about a year-ish....which would be perfect, considering I'll lose my dental insurance in November.
And in television related news:
- I'm going to start watching Making a Murderer.
- HALLELUJAH THE BACHELOR IS HERE.
- Taught my first class and it was a BIT of a disaster. Technical difficulties + 28 students + 1 very flustered TA (me). Luckily they were nice about it, and the professor and I figured out the issues after class so things should be good to go by next week.
- This dumb project I've been working on forever for my advisor is almost done. THANKS BE TO GOD.
- I've felt a slight uptick in anxiety this week, probably just early-semester jitters (which seems to happen every semester) but I'm still doing better than I did for most of last fall.
- Still on Celexa, still amazed by its effect on my anxiety. Still no weight gain or other scary side effects—just constant, grinding headaches. Some days I pop Tylenol around the clock. I'm going to bring it up at my next appointment with the psychiatrist in a few weeks; can't remember if this was an issue last time, but I'm assuming it'll improve with time.
- I might be getting BRACES. Well, invisible ones (either invisalign or generic type). I've always been pretty self-conscious about my teeth, and they shifted slightly more in the two years since I got my wisdom teeth out (not uncommon, apparently). Anyway, I had a consult with an orthodontist last week who said she could probably fix them right up in about a year-ish....which would be perfect, considering I'll lose my dental insurance in November.
And in television related news:
- I'm going to start watching Making a Murderer.
- HALLELUJAH THE BACHELOR IS HERE.
Happy Friday, everyone!
Monday, January 18, 2016
Conference Successes and Pre-Semester Thoughts
I got back from the conference last night. This trip has been on my calendar for several months, but as it approached I was getting more and more freaked out about the whole thing. I hate traveling—especially in winter (you guys remember my overnight airport fiasco last year?)—and I was nervous about my presentation, nervous about schmoozing with professors and having to be "on" all weekend, etc. etc. etc. But overall the weekend was a SUCCESS and I had way more fun than I expected.
Rocky start, though: my flight left at 5:20 a.m. on Thursday so my cab came at 4:00 (IT WAS AWFUL). I had tried to go to bed early the night before but couldn't sleep...probably got about 2 hours of shut-eye total, and was a complete wreck the whole day. My anxiety spiked to the worst it's been since I started taking Celexa a couple months ago. I was just freaking the fuck out about random stuff that had nothing to do with anything. Hard to say if it was the tiredness or just conference- and travel-related nerves, but I am becoming more and more aware that inadequate sleep is totally killer for my anxiety and overall mood stability.
I had a long layover in Big Southern City, and arrived at Conference City in early afternoon. After the initial freaking out the first day, I was basically okay. I jumped right in, going to a keynote speech and a couple other sessions that evening, then dinner out with a few people from my cohort. One of my best friends from my masters program was in from India, where she moved after graduation in May, so I got to spend lots of warm, fuzzy, friend time with her. We played hooky from the conference on Friday afternoon to explore the city and do some sightseeing, but totally wiped ourselves out and came back to my hotel to veg out and watch Dr. Phil. Lol. But I'm serious. That night there was a fancy schmancy reception where I drank a tad too much, ate a tad too little, and consequently felt a tad unsteady on my feet by the end. Luckily I rounded up some fellas who needed Fourth Meal to accompany me to get a burger at midnight. My presentation was Sunday morning, and it went well! I think. Felt very supported as several classmates from my cohort, as well as a few more senior students and even two professors came to hear me. Went straight from the conference venue to the airport where it promptly began to snow, sat on the runway for nearly an hour while they de-iced the plane, nearly missed my connection and had to SPRINT through Big Northern City Airport with all my bags in tow (and still wearing my fancy conference outfit), but luckily made it and was back in my apartment by dinnertime.
Today was spent unpacking, cleaning, organizing all my receipts from the weekend to submit for reimbursement (I LOVE WHEN THE SCHOOL PAYS FOR SHIT), and in the afternoon I went to see 13 Hours with The Guy <3. Now I'm home, fussing about what to eat for dinner, scratching my head over why I didn't start any of the reading due for my 9 a.m. class tomorrow, and slightly freaking out about my first TA position tomorrow afternoon. It's hard to believe the spring semester is starting up again already, and it might be somewhat of a doozy for me. Four classes, two seminars, two research assistantships, and one teaching assistantship. And I think I might be underestimating the time demands of the TA-ship. The students (and there are 25 of them....) will have lab homeworks every week that I have to grade, as well as final projects and a final exam. At least I don't actually have to take the class, I suppose.
So, the goal for this semester is to stay on top of school stuff and not lose my mind like I did last fall. Obviously I am in a better position than I was in August, what with being acclimated to the program and being on medication, but I still worry that the sleep and the anxiety will become problems again. I'll see how the first few weeks go, and check back in with the psychiatrist next month.
Happy MLK Day everyone, much love to you all.
Rocky start, though: my flight left at 5:20 a.m. on Thursday so my cab came at 4:00 (IT WAS AWFUL). I had tried to go to bed early the night before but couldn't sleep...probably got about 2 hours of shut-eye total, and was a complete wreck the whole day. My anxiety spiked to the worst it's been since I started taking Celexa a couple months ago. I was just freaking the fuck out about random stuff that had nothing to do with anything. Hard to say if it was the tiredness or just conference- and travel-related nerves, but I am becoming more and more aware that inadequate sleep is totally killer for my anxiety and overall mood stability.
I had a long layover in Big Southern City, and arrived at Conference City in early afternoon. After the initial freaking out the first day, I was basically okay. I jumped right in, going to a keynote speech and a couple other sessions that evening, then dinner out with a few people from my cohort. One of my best friends from my masters program was in from India, where she moved after graduation in May, so I got to spend lots of warm, fuzzy, friend time with her. We played hooky from the conference on Friday afternoon to explore the city and do some sightseeing, but totally wiped ourselves out and came back to my hotel to veg out and watch Dr. Phil. Lol. But I'm serious. That night there was a fancy schmancy reception where I drank a tad too much, ate a tad too little, and consequently felt a tad unsteady on my feet by the end. Luckily I rounded up some fellas who needed Fourth Meal to accompany me to get a burger at midnight. My presentation was Sunday morning, and it went well! I think. Felt very supported as several classmates from my cohort, as well as a few more senior students and even two professors came to hear me. Went straight from the conference venue to the airport where it promptly began to snow, sat on the runway for nearly an hour while they de-iced the plane, nearly missed my connection and had to SPRINT through Big Northern City Airport with all my bags in tow (and still wearing my fancy conference outfit), but luckily made it and was back in my apartment by dinnertime.
Today was spent unpacking, cleaning, organizing all my receipts from the weekend to submit for reimbursement (I LOVE WHEN THE SCHOOL PAYS FOR SHIT), and in the afternoon I went to see 13 Hours with The Guy <3. Now I'm home, fussing about what to eat for dinner, scratching my head over why I didn't start any of the reading due for my 9 a.m. class tomorrow, and slightly freaking out about my first TA position tomorrow afternoon. It's hard to believe the spring semester is starting up again already, and it might be somewhat of a doozy for me. Four classes, two seminars, two research assistantships, and one teaching assistantship. And I think I might be underestimating the time demands of the TA-ship. The students (and there are 25 of them....) will have lab homeworks every week that I have to grade, as well as final projects and a final exam. At least I don't actually have to take the class, I suppose.
So, the goal for this semester is to stay on top of school stuff and not lose my mind like I did last fall. Obviously I am in a better position than I was in August, what with being acclimated to the program and being on medication, but I still worry that the sleep and the anxiety will become problems again. I'll see how the first few weeks go, and check back in with the psychiatrist next month.
Happy MLK Day everyone, much love to you all.
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